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Comment by dream moon JO B on April 30, 2012 at 9:45am

i still keep on trying to find my dad i no his gone itl will take a long time to sink in its only bean about 7 weeks and i no itl take longer i put a foto of his favert chocklate bar on my page i no the hurt will take along time to go away my cusin who lost her dad 20 years ago still has the hurt they were close 2 lie i woz

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 28, 2012 at 10:15pm

Cassandra, I always spent my birthday with my mom.  The last few years she was alive, we went to Red Lobster for her birthday and mine.  I drove by a Red Lobster around the time she died, and I started crying so hard I almost threw up.  It does get a little better each year.  I can drive by a Red Lobster now.  But, I doubt I will ever eat in one again.  I doubt I will ever walk in the door again.

Comment by Casandra Porter on April 28, 2012 at 9:39pm

JB - I feel the same way. I am really dreading my birthday. Every year since I can remember we spent my birthday together. It happens to be before Father's Day so I get to deal with the dread twice in such a short span. But I will figure out a way to honor him. I just don't know how. I know he wouldn't want me to stay home upset. But I know that this first year without him is going to be a huge process.

Comment by Andrea Clark on April 28, 2012 at 9:26pm

jb, I am dreading father's day, too. And his birthday. We got through Christmas, thankfully. That was horrible. My dad was not much into stuff, so it was always hard to find something to give to him, but I will so miss picking out a card for him. I know what you mean with people avoiding you. I have had that happen to me. I am sorry to say that I used to be one of those people that would avoid a mourning person, because I did not know what to say. So, I understand that it's not that they don't care, but they just feel helpless. A few years back a very close friend lost her son, and I felt so useless. I knew that there was nothing I could do to take her pain away - I have never felt so helpless in my life. Well, that experience helped me understand why people try to avoid me now - they just don't know how to help. It takes guts to walk up to someone and share their pain for a moment. Especially when you are someone that likes to fix things or make them better. Well, this can't be fixed, and nothing in the world will make that pain go away. Time will lessen it, but that is all I can promise you. 

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 28, 2012 at 8:59pm

JB - I was the same way.  Every holiday - birthday, Christmas, father's day - I'd give him a bunch of sweets (he loved Kit Kats) and gifts.  He loved ceramic dog figurines, because he loved dogs so much.  I can't even eat a Kit Kat and probably never will be able to again.  I sometimes take them and put them on his grave.  I still walk through stores and think, "Daddy would like that" . . . oh, I can't give it to him.  It is so hard.  I took Kit Kats to my dad's grave one day and left them for him.  I hope no dogs ate them cuz the have chocolate in them, but there is a fence all the way around the grave yard, so I doubt many dogs would get in there as the gate is only open from 9-5 each day.

Comment by dream moon JO B on April 28, 2012 at 3:12pm

im dreading fathers day this year itl be the 1st 1 with out him  this year i used to love to spoil him rotten by him his sweets and crossword boooks or dvds like the old boxing or id pay for his bets if i coudnt fint nothing to buy

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 28, 2012 at 7:45am

JB - I'm sorry you have crappy friends in your life too.  I can't understand why someone would walk away from you when you are going through this.  If you don't know what to say, just walk up and give someone a hug.  What's so hard about that?  I'm so sorry.  I hope you have some good friends who are supporting you.  I agree with you - if I was given two choices:  to be the richest person in the world or to have my parents and others I've loved back on this side of the veil, I'd take having the people I loved back.  But, maybe that is selfish of me.  If they really are in a better place like so many people say, maybe they wouldn't want to be back here.  But, I'd still rather have them than all the money in the world.  But, then, I've never been one who needed to be rich.  The fact that I have a car that starts every morning, a house that is safe and keeps out the elements and three meals a day to eat and a little left over for something I enjoy from time to time - I'm happy.  I've never made my choices in any situation based on the money aspect, so maybe I'm the odd man out.  Maybe most people would want the money.  I don't know.  I just know that if I had it all to do over now, I would have worked even fewer hours, lived on less and spent more time with these people I love who are no longer here.

Comment by dream moon JO B on April 26, 2012 at 5:02am

id rather hav my dad back and people iv lost in the past than all the money in the world your soon to be x freind storyas dont seam a nice person you soon rellize who your freind are at a time like this a lot of mine walk away wen they sea me

Comment by Storyas Fawnfeather on April 25, 2012 at 9:10pm

Tina P - I'm glad you had a Dad Dream.  Those are like finding an oasis in the middle of the dessert.  JB - There is no timetable on getting over it.  I agree with Andrea - we need to come here and talk it out, because most people don't understand or are in denial.  We are the lucky ones, because we can talk about it.  I have a friend who lost his brother about a year ago, and he's all like - oh, it's okay, i'm strong, life goes on, etc. - until he went on a date with a girlfriend of mine and told her on the date that he didn't think he had much reason to live any more and then shut her out for having made the confession to her.  At least we can talk about it instead of holding it in and harming ourselves with that holding it in.  And, some people are so callous.  I have a friend who is soon to be my ex-friend, because I'm learning as I go through a hard time that she's a master manipulator.  She can get anyone to do anything for her, and once you hit a hard enough spot that you have to muster the courage to say no, she gets really ugly then.  Well, her mom died a while back and left her a house, a $30,000 car and hundreds of thousands of dollars that she just blew threw.  When my dad's nursing home got closed down for abuse and neglect, I tried to tell her how happy I was that justice had been done, and she cut me off to tell me how we've all lost someone and how she lost her mom - and then went on to brag about all the material crap her mom was able to leave her even though she's already blown through most of it.  We're the lucky ones.  We can feel!  We can feel, because we loved - truly loved.  It hurts like heck, but I'm learning that we are the lucky ones.  The old saying it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all applies to grief as well, in my opinion. 

Comment by Andrea Clark on April 25, 2012 at 5:59pm

JB - it takes a lot longer than that! My dad died in August, and it still feels like it happened a week ago. Try to surround yourself with people that understand - sadly, the only ones that usually understand, are the ones that suffered a loss themselves. No one can imagine what it feels like until it happens to them. Give yourself time - it's going to hurt really bad for a while yet. I usually come here when I feel really bad, cause my family expects me to move on. My daughter is constantly telling me to get over it. She will understand one day - I hope that day is far away for her. People here understand cause we are all going through the same thing. No one will judge you here.

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