He's been in the nursing home because of mobility issues and one minute he was talking to nurse and cutting up with her and then the next time they came by to check on him 3 hrs later, he was blue and unresponsive.. we did the whole thing with intubation, ventilator, blah blah.. he lasted from Wednesday until late friday night and passed at 2:20 AM on Saturday morning... 

I went to walmart and I just found myself going in circles.. aimlessly... not even knowing what i'm there for.. or what i need.. or wanted from the store... i just feel so numb.. and still in shock.. and heart broken and lost.. all at the same time

I hate it for people to come up to me and say "Oh i know exactly how you feel.." when their parents didnt die until they (the children) were in their 50s or 60s and their parents died from old age or something terminal.. when they had months if not years to know it was coming and to prepare for it.. i know you never prepare for it.. and just because you know its coming doesnt make it hurt any less... but those people who were blessed with having their parents for 50 years... i only had my daddy for 27.. and he was too young to die... God gave us two days to know it was coming... which is not much notice at all.. but im thankful for it still.. that he didnt have to suffer...

Im at the point in my grief where if one more person asks "are you okay?" i'll scream, but then i'd be hurt if they didnt check on me... and i've blamed God already and i've forgiven him.. and forgiven myself for my guilt i carry.. for all the phonecalls from my father i ignored or couldn't talk because i was busy or.. something.. all the times i wasnt as nice as i could've been.. and my tone wasnt as melodic and cheerful as it should've been.. 

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Replies to This Discussion

(((((Jennifer))))),,,,I'm sending you love and hugs and light,,, I lost my Dad last October to brain cancer and felt he was too young,,,and that there wasn't enough time,,,Please be gentle with yourself right now. Walking around in Walmart in circles is totally normal right now. You are in shock, to deal with the terrible pain all at once is too much; it comes in waves, I think,,,the sadness, the anger, the grief, the sadness, the guilt, and suffering,,,I know we haven't met, but please know I'm thinking of you,,,and,,,also, I've learned that when someone asks if you are okay that it's perfectly fine to say 'No, I'm not okay right now',,,because, you know, as I do, that losing your Dad (especially at such a young age) is incredibly heart-breaking. I'm so sorry for your loss, for your pain,,,please email me if you need to vent,,,I'm here for you,,,angie_in_balance@hotmail.com,,,until then, one day at a time. Your wounds are so fresh, my dear. Love to you.
i am sorry for ur lost. i rember finding myself geting off the worng stop when i lost my dad i lost my May 8 2010 and i went back to school 2 days after finding out he died. and then june 14 2010 i found out that is murder

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