He's been in the nursing home because of mobility issues and one minute he was talking to nurse and cutting up with her and then the next time they came by to check on him 3 hrs later, he was blue and unresponsive.. we did the whole thing with intubation, ventilator, blah blah.. he lasted from Wednesday until late friday night and passed at 2:20 AM on Saturday morning...
I went to walmart and I just found myself going in circles.. aimlessly... not even knowing what i'm there for.. or what i need.. or wanted from the store... i just feel so numb.. and still in shock.. and heart broken and lost.. all at the same time
I hate it for people to come up to me and say "Oh i know exactly how you feel.." when their parents didnt die until they (the children) were in their 50s or 60s and their parents died from old age or something terminal.. when they had months if not years to know it was coming and to prepare for it.. i know you never prepare for it.. and just because you know its coming doesnt make it hurt any less... but those people who were blessed with having their parents for 50 years... i only had my daddy for 27.. and he was too young to die... God gave us two days to know it was coming... which is not much notice at all.. but im thankful for it still.. that he didnt have to suffer...
Im at the point in my grief where if one more person asks "are you okay?" i'll scream, but then i'd be hurt if they didnt check on me... and i've blamed God already and i've forgiven him.. and forgiven myself for my guilt i carry.. for all the phonecalls from my father i ignored or couldn't talk because i was busy or.. something.. all the times i wasnt as nice as i could've been.. and my tone wasnt as melodic and cheerful as it should've been..
