Yesterday was 1 and a half years ago that my father died and I found myself the past 4 days in a terrible funk.  Christmas was hard... I guess we are still getting to our "new norm."  The same year my father passed, my brother and his wife split up and she moved to Arizona with their 2 kids.  Our family went from 13 to 8 and this year my brother went to Arizona for Xmas, so there were only 7 of us.  It felt... well, like a lot of people were missing because they are.  We met at my mom's new townhouse, which she bought over the summer and just moved into in November.  That felt weird and everything seemed off.  You know, how certain people always seems to sit in the same room in the same chair... or the kids always play in the family room or basement.  Well, everyone seemed a little lost and all of us being within a room of each other was really noisy.  We even ended up skipping dinner because we filled up on appetizers.  I guess we are still cooking for 13 and we had so many appetizers they were a meal and a half all by themselves.  We decided to send everyone home with Xmas dinner doggie bags.  It was nice to be with everyone and I know I have a ton to be thankful for.  Yet, still...

So, I found myself in some kind of funk and depression since Sunday.  I hadn't showered or dressed and had spent most of my time in bed or sleeping on the couch in front of the TV.  Its starting to lift today, but gosh... I haven't felt that horrible since right after my dad passed.  And, I hate that its been a whole year and a half since I've gotten to talk to him.  I miss his smell, his voice and even his crabbing--he was getting grumpier in his old age.  Its funny how I could never figure out what to get him for Xmas when he was alive, but now I can think of dozens of things, lol.  Anyway, my heart goes out to everyone here and I just thought I'd share my recent story for anyone who is a bit out from the death but still struggling.  You're not alone.  And...

Merry Christmas, Dad.  I miss and love you.

Connie