My father was a jerk to put it nicely. He abused my brother and I, my brother got the brunt of the pain. I suffered from one abusive relationship after the next until I met my now ex-fiance. Though he never physically abused me I found out he had cheated on me as soon as my mother died in October 2013. I think that hurt worse than anything. With the other men I knew what to expect with him..he made me feel special and loved only to find out it was all an illusion. This compounded with PTSD,chronic depression and with the very sudden and unexpected death of my mother, It was all to much. I have been trying to receive help since January 2014 but so far I haven't been able to see anyone. I'm not dangerous others. I do not physically hurt myself. I binge on food and then don't eat for a day or so I exercise to the point of exhaustion just for the cycle to start again. I abuse myself in my mind saying horrible things that I know are not true. So much pain has built and built. My mother was the only person I had who I could tell my pain to. She kept me from spiraling out of control. Now she is gone and I'm trying so hard to survive on my own but without my mother It's becoming so much more difficult. I will never harm another person, no one else deserves to suffer as I am. I am hoping though, that by sharing some of what I feel others will not fear themselves and seek help. I don't want others to let things build up as I have. It's not healthy and definitely not safe. I want others to seek that happiness that I myself am trying to attain. Feel free to discuss what kinds of self pain you have inflicted upon yourself and know that we are all survivors and with each other we can learn to live.