May 10,2010, Monday, I went to my gram's home, she was coming home from her 2nd stay at rehab in senior nursing home since Fall. I was helping with things, my dad had left me a message on a box I had opened it several times, could not figure out what he wanted. Knew he hadn't been feeling good past few weeks prior, bad back suddenly and leg problems so had been "grumpy and not so talkative as usual" Went to leave a note under his door didn't want to disturb,the door opened slightly, room dark.(he had covered windows long time ago cause was more of a night owl) i decided to go over to him gently touch and wake him and ask about the note and box. Suddenly the t.v. which had been on brightened the whole room. For a brief second I could not understand what i was seeing,next thing i knew i was in hall way and out the front door into the front yard making a call to my husband..... I did not know what to do. I had just found my father, he had shot himself in the head. I relive that day EVERY day and night. I cry alot. am so MAd AT HIM, I HAVE YELLED AT HIM AND STILL TELL HIM I LOVE HIM whether just here by myself , in my car or at the grave. WHAT CAN A PERSON DO TO HELP LESSEN THIS IMAGE?????? does it get better? i have been to counseling but having trouble getting there as often as would like. (car issues and counselor booked) have found no local grief places. I am not able to drive that far too much as i have m.s. that has been progressing. Not able to talk to mom parents had bad divorce 20 odd years ago. have siblings but can't really talk to the one.

i am the only one in the family that saw this.....unexpected.... other than I believe my daughter, whom is a nurse and firefighter but was informed off what happened help gather dads remains for the coroner.

some one please help. am on meds, feel like cracking up, will not do what he did am afraid of death. but is hard to go on day to day as i feel now and do not have support from spouse on this nor m.s..

thank you

lori

nutsylori@hotmail.com