Why am I still here?

It's almost 1 year since my beloved darling Husband died. It's been the hardest most heartbreaking time.

I miss him, I love him, I pray that he's at peace. But I have no peace and I can't honestly understand why or how I'm still here. There is no meaning, no purpose to life now my darling has passed. I used to be joyful, stressed! But always full of hope and above all, I cherished life...and our life together. It's so lonely without my darling who was EVERYTHING - we were best friends, as well as lovers. He was my all, my everything. I don't enrich life - not a jot. I'm taking up valuable space on this planet.

I've prayed to God to show some mercy & to let me die. I can't live any longer without my darling. Family & loved ones say the right things, but it doesn't change the grief. I can't see a way out & feel completely alone and trapped in this life. why wont our merciful God help me to go? iI don't want or need anything from life - in fact its not life - just an existence with a pulse. I'm just asking to be with my darling for eternity.

I don't fear death & if it comes this moment, that's all I ask

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 13, 2014 at 2:20pm

My husband died nearly two years ago, and I feel EXACTLY as you do (except that I don't really believe there's a god).  The merciful thing, if there is a god, would be for it to let us die and be with our soulmates (if there is an afterlife) or at least cease to be altogether, and therefore be done with this agony of existing without our soulmates (if there is no afterlife).

Permalink Reply by Pam on August 13, 2014 at 2:26pm
Dear Bluebird - I've read your previous posts....it's just so awful isn't it? Like you, if there is no afterlife, then I'd rather fade into oblivion, just for this existence to end. Not any people seem to understand that - nor did I until my darling died. Now it's all I ask for - every day, every minute.
Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 13, 2014 at 3:59pm
I do understand; it's the same for me. I was not at all like this before my husband died, and probably wouldn't have understood anyone who was. Now i am, and i do.
Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on August 18, 2014 at 10:30pm

I can say I know how you feel I too am just existing....

The only thing I can say is if God had wanted me or me and my soulmate then he would have taken us both since he did not I guess there is something here I need to do. I will just have to believe that when it is my time I will go.

But now I have to learn to find peace in every day people, things, if we try I think we can find something to do that would make our mates proud of us. At least I will try, it is better than sitting around thinking about my self all the time, I am not that interesting........

I hope you find peace, and joy in life untill you met your soulmate again

 

Permalink Reply by bluebird on August 18, 2014 at 11:06pm

Ah, see -- I view it differently. I don't give a damn what god, if there is a god, wanted or wants me to do.  If s/he exists, then s/he saw fit to separate (even if only temporarily, possibly -- I truly don't know) my husband and I, so what would I care what s/he wants, or wants me to do?

If you feel that there is a purpose to your life, then good (I mean that seriously, not sarcastically) -- but for me, my life ended the moment my husband died, and that's that, period.

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