There isnt a single day since you died that I havent been thinking about you. You’re on my mind every single day, from the moment I wake up to when I close my eyes. Its been 3 months going onto 4. Its still so surreal to me. I cant comprehend the fact that if I call you, you wont respond to me this time. I remember I would call you at odd hours and youd always answer me. I still pay your phone bill, but I avoid looking at our messages. Its just another reminder of the time thats passed since we’ve last spoke to each other. Ive also shut off your phone, and I admit that I have been trying to get you out of my mind whenever you pop up. Just because I know that when I start thinking about it all over again, I just cant help it but break into tears. Im still trying to forgive myself for your death. I know that you would’ve never blamed me and I can imagine the exact words youd tell me. But I just cant help it. I feel like I failed you. I hate myself for it and I dont know if that will ever go away. Im sorry. I know you wouldnt have wanted that. You were always so wise and I learned so much from you. I just miss you so much. I miss how on sundays it was our day out of the week that wed get lunch together. I miss our conversations. I miss how you would talk for so long. I miss the messages telling me you loved me. And its been over 100 days since you been gone. How the last time I saw you was during the summer. I remember how the sun was overwhelming the day I found you. I remember the intense heat coming from the sun. June, and now its september. And just about 2 days ago, was when the fall weather really kicked in. And it just made me sad. The change in temperature, how there was warmth and now a cold breeze at night. Everything is moving on around me but I am still stuck on that day. I am not ready to move on, im not ready to say goodbye to you. Im going to hold on as long as I can. I cant accept it. The only thing that keeps me going from this nightmare is the promise I made to you, that id finish school. The Id keep going just how you always told me. To keep going, even if it meant leaving you behind. But no. Your permanently engraved in my heart. I carry you with me every day. Give me strength please. I am trying but I am the weakest ive ever been. I miss you and I love you so much.