Suicide

    I had thought that I was a professional when it came to the grieving process.  I had lost my young son at the hands of another person through a malicious and intentional act.  I spent three years of my life learning to forgive myself and forgive the man who ended my childs life.  I worked hard with my other children to help them learn to trust and love again.  I did the same for myself.  It took a lot of hard work... a lot of dirty work, digging into myself to embrace this "newness" that was to become a part of my life.  I had finally adjusted to the concept that I was forever changed in some way, that I would always feel different than everyone else, that through all my joys there would always be a small thread of longing or sorrow.  I was feeling very confident that I could handle just about anything life threw my way.

 

    Then on June 24th of this year, I received a call from my 15 year old brother telling me that my dad had killed himself.  Not something that I ever would have expected in a million years.  My initial reaction was shock, disbelief, anger, and lots of hurt.  And there is still this disbelief.  My father had felt so terrible on some level that he wanted to end his life... he left behind a wonderful wife. 5 children, and 3 grandchildren.  It makes me wonder what kind of pain was he feeling?  what sort of desolation makes a person think that death is a better option.  It breaks my heart that he felt that way.... however it was.  And then sometimes I get angry at him for it.  How dare he leave us?

 

     I suppose I am looking for someone who has lost a loved one to suicide.  How do you come to terms with something like that?

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Permalink Reply by Janice Anne on July 26, 2011 at 8:41am

My husband killed himself when he was 43.  If you would like someone to talk to please feel free to email me anytime

on the forum to chat.  It's hard - it's been almost 4 years now and it still makes me confused and angry that he did this to me and to our daughter.

 

J

Permalink Reply by Laura on July 26, 2011 at 10:38pm
I've lost 2 people to suicide my sister 4 years ago & then my dad just over a month ago.  Your feelings are normal I feel the same way most day's.  Some day's I wonder how I can go on living without them how they could just leave us behind like this.  I'm still in shock but to me his death was real becasue I was the one who found my father. I struggle with this everyday I can see the image in my head on a regular basis.   I want you to know that your feelings are compleatly normal but you must look after yourslef.  There are so many question's we all want to ask our loved ones one being WHY.......
Permalink Reply by Janice Anne on August 21, 2011 at 4:36pm

I really appreciate you getting back to me because I feel so suicidal myself right now and so scared.

But I have my little cat who I adore and I am holding on.  I am so thankful for people like you who are willing to reach out to people like me and we can understand how much this hurts.  Thank you.

 

Janice

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