Started back to work this week and it is hard

When we found out Tom was sick I closed down my daycare.  We thought Tom would be having treatments and I didnt want the house full of little germ factories, ie children when his immune system would be compromised.  But then he went and died on me and I was in no shape to reopen at the beginning of the new school year in September.  I wondered if I ever would feel like working again.  This spring I began to feel very unsettled with too much time on my hands.  I started to think long and hard about what would be a good job for me and I realized I loved my job with kids.  So here I go again working with little guys who are sooo innocent and adorable.  But....  Holey Moley I am having to push myself to make it from 7am to 5 pm in an upbeat mood.  At the end of the day I just collapse in my chair in utter exhaustion.  It is physically demanding with 2 one year olds, a three year old and 2 four year olds but it is the mental push that is wearing me out I think.  I have had a couple crying episodes where Ive just not been able to hide it from the kidlets but I just say Im feeling a little sad right now.  I'll be ok in a minute.  Thank goodness none of the episodes have turned into full blown panic attacks.  Walking this road of grief is hard but 2 and a half years after Karl, and a year after Tom I'm on my way to being the me I have to be now.  Peace to all who are walking it with me.

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Permalink Reply by Karen K on September 9, 2012 at 8:24am

oh please tell me how to do it. too How to make it thru a workday. My mom... who was my best friend... who I talked to almost every day... and spent so much of my life with... died just 10 days ago. I've been off work 3 weeks - two while she was in hospice and one week at home after dealing with business. I was off 2 weeks in July wheyn she first got sick. All my vacation time. So I know I have to go back. But I dont feel ready. I just got able to do a meal with a friend for a couple hours - and I cant even get thru that without crying.
My grief is exacerbated a the thought I have to actually be "normal" every day starting tomorrow.

I am so not ready to be normal. I sooooo miss my mom. I live alone, my sony  just left for college. I do have a couple friends but I cant call them every day to just say... i'm so sad. I so miss mom.

People keep saying "it may not get better but it will get easier." I feel like this will never ever get easier.  How will I make it thru a full day of work tomorrow when I still find it hard to get out of the house before noon, or clean house, or feel like a person more than a couple hours at a time?.

Permalink Reply by anna l. on September 9, 2012 at 11:29am

Karen I understand all that you say and am very very sorry for your loss.  Im sure others can offer some advice on how to handle getting through your work days.  I sincerely hope your co-workers and your supervisor are understanding.  10 days is such a short time you will really need to remember to take gentle care of yourself.

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