I lost my beloved mom Ingrid to endometrial cancer 10 months ago tomorrow. She left behind my dad and my younger brother with special needs. While he was autistic and had a colostomy bag due to his past bouts with PICA, he was high functioning in so many ways and has been my rock (along with dad) while we dealt with loss of mom. i moved them in with me so we can all take care of each other.

Now my poor little baby brother Harry passed away yesterday, 4/20/16, at the age of 30 and am finding it too difficult. While 30 years old, he could pass for 14 easily. He was child-like and so innocent in so many ways. Yet still a man--beautiful inside and out. I was a caregiver for him so it feels like I lost my son, brother, and best friend all in one. We already lost my sister 12 years ago in christmas day (also my brother's 18th birthday). This was hard for mom. I'm relieved mom doesn't have to witness it.

I feel so guilty, as if I let my mom down with his caregiving. He was hospitalized for over 2 weeks because he was constipated and has a colostomy bag. We took him to the closest hospital and they looked like they were on the right track, doing tests and ruling things out. His vital signs were perfect and just was not passing stool normally. The hospital couldn't resolve it completely and attempted to transfer him to our home hospital (the hospital declined). Eventually we got him to a bigger affiliated hospital to the one he was in.

He was ok for a couple of days but began to decline and sent to ICU. They did emergency surgery and found perforated colon and removed. They were to go back 48 hrs later and hopefully complete surgery if he could withstand it. His numbers became worse and they did emergency surgrry 20 hrs later. They couldn't save him with the damage to small bowel. I am so sad. So sudden and unexpected.

I have to start planning things and it is just too painful. I have to explain to family members and rehash it. We thought it would be fairly routine hospital stay and didn't even want to bother many with it at the time. We were given all indications initislly that his life was not in imminent danger. So everything happened so precipitously.

I write for some release and catharsis, though the pain is just too surreal. I feel numb at times and have lost my appetite. I'm hoping for light at the end of the tunnel, but this affects is so much. I also have to move and his death makes it so that me and my father have to re figure everything in our lives. I might even leave work because of the experience of the multiple loss and resistance to understand in the past from those in supervisory positions.

Thank you for reading and allowing me to express this grief. Might anyone have advice or a can share a similar situation?

I usually attend bereavement group once a month for young adults who lost someone to cancer, but have a couple of weeks until that meets again. I appreciate this space very much as I know we're all dealing with very difficult things. I am thinking of everyone else in their grief journey and find strength in the fact that I am not alone in all this.

Take care,
Chris