Please, please read this, I need help so bad...

My heart hurts... It hurts so bad... I can't stop it, no matter what I do, it just hurts... I can't even explain it in words, it's so painful... 

I want to scream, I want to cry, I want someone to hold me, I want someone to listen... I want him back. I want to hear his raspy voice and his lisp. I want to see his tender, brown green eyes. I want to see his sweet, toothy smile and I want to hear him say my name, the special way he always did. I want to hug him and tell him how much I love him. 

I was there when he died. I tried to close his eyes but his eyelids wouldn't close all the way. They were out of focus... Dead... I couldn't look at them that way. Not his. I tried to close them but they wouldn't. I got blood on my hoodie but I don't even remember seeing blood. I just remember his eyes. Everyone was screaming. I couldn't let go.

He's my twin. We were 12 then. I'm 17 now. And I still hold my breath so I dont feel it as bad, even if just for a moment. I still feel like I could weep into oblivion, I still feel like if I start crying I might never stop. I can't even say his name anymore and I feel horrible for that but I just can't. I don't know what to do, I'm so lost.

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Permalink Reply by Geraldine Pieterse on August 14, 2013 at 6:29am

Dear Mel  I don't know how to comfort you but just wanted to say I will say a prayer for you tonight and hold you in my thoughts.  I lost my son 9 months ago and am totally lost without him. My daughter lost her brother and I know it is very hard for her.  So remember hang in there and if you need to talk - I will be her for you

Geraldine

 

Permalink Reply by Mel Pope on August 14, 2013 at 12:48pm

Thank you Geraldine, you'll be in my thoughts as well.

Permalink Reply by Geraldine Pieterse on August 15, 2013 at 5:45am

how are you feeling today - other than the deep hartsore and pain - are you ok

Permalink Reply by Angela on August 17, 2013 at 12:11am

Hi Mel

Very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with us tonight on the chat screen. Sorry my computer had problems. And didn't get to finish the conversation with you. Hope you will come back to chat again sometime. We are here for you always.  I lost my older brother few months ago and it's been hard for me too. Take care and hope to talk with you again soon. Hang in there.

Angela

Permalink Reply by Martha on August 20, 2013 at 4:27pm

Dear Mel:

We are thinking of you. 

Remember, we are on Chat for you.

God Bless you.

Permalink Reply by Cindy on August 26, 2013 at 2:12am
Dear Mel,
I too lost my twin of 52 years.and today marks the 2 year anniversary..i do understand...all i can tell you is hold on..thats what im trying to do..the pain hasnt left but im trying to live thru it. If i can do anything let me know. Godspeed my friend.
Permalink Reply by Mel Pope on August 26, 2013 at 10:33am

I'm so sorry Cindy, I hope you find some semblance of peace through your suffering. Thank you for reaching out, you'll be in my thoughts.

Permalink Reply by Genia on August 27, 2013 at 5:57pm
I understand because I lost my brother. I miss him so much. I
have never felt so empty in my life. Some days I don't think I
can make it through the day and its hard to talk to someone who
hasn't gone through the pain of loosing someone.

You need to be strong and try not to give up. I will be
Praying for you and me!!!
Permalink Reply by Cyn Rios on September 3, 2013 at 10:15pm
Feel your pain Genia Im here for you whenever you want to talk I miss my brother too
Permalink Reply by Cyn Rios on August 27, 2013 at 8:43pm
Your post brought tears to my eyes im so sorry for your loss i miss my brother so much too... Do you ever feel his presence at all?
Permalink Reply by Mel Pope on August 30, 2013 at 8:35am

This is another thing I really, really struggle with... I feel his presence in the sense that I remember almost every little thing about him, but it doesn't feel like presence, it feels like a memory. I don't know where he is, I feel like I'm searching for him in every little thing that I do. Do you?

Permalink Reply by Cyn Rios on September 3, 2013 at 10:14pm
Yes n nothing yet.. I read in a book that my pain keeps him here so I'm working on accepting it which I'm still not ready but I want him and myself to be at peace..there's a reason we are still here..praying for you and all..

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