I lost my dad on 3/14/11.  He was in a car accident, where he t-boned a young man who ran a stop sign. The other driver had no license, no insurance and no remorse. He walked away with a ticket as my dad was flown to Lubbock in a life flight helicopter. I am angry, the sob should have gone to jail. My dad survived the accident and I made it to him before the sun went down ( I live 9 hrs away ) I could not breathe the entire flight. I was paralyzed with fear, I am daddy's little girl ya know. I swallowed hard and reminded myself to breathe when the pounding in my head signaled it needed air. I ran to his side in ICU, took his hand and cried. "I love u daddy, can u hear me, I love u!" it was the most difficult moment in my life. I wanted to scream it "daddy I love u" then he squeezed my hand and opened his eyes. Ah!!!! He can hear me! The next several weeks he improved, I stayed with him, he was improving. He was laughing, he never saw the guy, he said and he wanted to beat his butt. He was still my daddy and we dodged the bullet. Whew! After 3 weeks he was moved to the VA hospital to begin physical therapy. Once he settled in I decided to return home. He was going to make. 7 days later, sitting at my desk still trying to catch up the phone rang, caller I'd said it was my mom. I snatched it up and said hey how's he doin? There was silence, I heard sobs in the background...."momma!!!!!" what's wrong? Softly she said, " his heart" and then silence!!!! He was gone! " I held my breath, and began to cry. My world began to spin, faster and faster. I felt faint, I couldn't remember how to breathe in, then I began to throw up. I ran outside to the side of my office building and screamed as loud as I could NO!!!!!!!!!! I threw up again. This couldn't be happening, not to me, he was fine. He was recovering, he IS fine. They made a mistake! I can't, I don't, it couldn't be!!!! It is! I boarded the plane again, this time with my husband and crying alot. I don't know what I feel. Is this normal? I still feel very little. The hospital he was in failed to give him his blood thinner and he had a pulmonary embolism that hit his lungs and he died immediately. He died! How is it possible that he made it thru the accident to die like that? All alone! No one was there that day, the first time since the accident that he was alone and he died alone!!! I wake up every day, and lay there in that twinkle of moments between asleep and awake and I hold my breath and think, " it was just a bad dream" Then I sit up and look around realizing, it was real and I cry. Everyday I cry, everyday I want to curl up with his things and die. I cannot fathom my life without him. I don't want to. I want to cry out to everyone around me, I want to stomp and scream and cry and rage every day. Is that normal? Is what I think and feel now normal? I don't care if I lose my job, is that normal? I don't care If I live or die, is that normal? I don't know how to go on without him, is that normal? I am almost 40 years old with a husband and children and a job and I would throw it all way tomorrow if I could just be with him, is that normal? I don't know if it is or not but that is how I feel. I wake up sad every day that I wake up and he is not here. Gone too soon doesn't express it. They murdered him! Same as a gunshot to the face, and none of them will ever care or understand!!!!.....and I will cry some more! Is that normal?