after he first died I was in shock mode and had to take care of all arrangements and I functioned through it.  Then when things quieted down I was having flashbacks of the friend that told me at 1:30 AM and viewing him.  It is till difficult to this day.  I was a full time student in an alcohol and drug counseling program and everyone was pushing me to go back to school after only 3 months.  i couldn't even function.  I couldn't sleep, eat, and would cry all the time.  I tried to go back for two semesters and I just couldn't do it.  I have taken a year off school and I feel that in the fall I will be ready to "face the world"  Over the last few months I have been functioning ok but this month I can't stop crying or "seeing" the attack in my mind.  You see, I had to know everything so I read the investigative report and the autopsy report and it was so descriptive I could "see" my husband Randy fighting for his life.  He was only 40 years old and had 2 years left before we started fresh on the outside world.  We had so many plans and now I feel so empty.  I have this void within me that won't go away and i know I will never be the same.  Right now I just go through the motions of life and get through one day at a time.  Not a day goes by that i don' cry for him.  For the longest time all I wanted to do was to be with him.  I didn't care about anything and had lost my zest for life.  He was my best friend, lover, husband and soul mate.  We felt as if we had known each other since the beginning of time.  i waited all my life to have a love like this and it was cut short. It is a big cover up at the prison and no one will talk about it.  even his friends that tried to write to me were told to stop asking questions and to not contact me.  I'll get into my theory later.  i just need some support at this one year mark.  it still feels like yesterday.