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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on
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I have never thought of Benadryl as a sleep aid. Would that really work to help you fall asleep? I think I took it for allergies or something a while ago. I am going to ask my doctor about some sleeping pills, but I doubt she will give me anything as doctors rarely want to give you something like that on the first asking. They want you to try 30 natural ways to fall asleep first.
I was reading up on some over the counter sleep aids and was a little scared off of them as people say they can be addictive and side effects and all that, but at the same time I feel so desperate. I feel like I can't go on trying to stay up until 3am hoping I fall asleep and only sleeping in short bursts. I can't do that and try to have a job at the same time. If I was retired, fine, it wouldn't matter when I went to bed. But this is driving me insane.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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HollowHeart,
The website won't let me reply directly to your post; I don't know why, but that happens sometimes. Anyway, so I am responding to you under my own post.
Benadryl does work as a sleep aid; one of its main ingredients is the same one used in some sleep aids. I take the usual dose, 2 pills. It isn't anywhere near as strong as the Lunesta I sometimes take, but it does work pretty well. I would recommend trying that first, before trying a stronger sleeping pill.
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Permalink Reply by Lilia on
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Hi (((bluebird))). First I wanted to start off by saying how truly and terribly sorry I am for you. My heart really does go out to you. I actually just created this account because of reading your post and the following thread. I'm sad to hear that you're not doing any better years down the road. I was hoping to find you becoming more positive as the pages (and time) went by, but unfortunately you're still trapped. My fiance of 5 years died a little over 2 months ago, so I am still in the very early stages. I can relate completely to your original post. Every single word of it completely resonates with me. I feel the exact same way. I just want to die. Every day I pray for a massive heart attack. A stroke. Getting hit by a truck. The plane to crash. Whatever gets the job done. This major bereavement is beyond cruel and I don't deserve it. I, too, want to commit suicide but since I am an agnostic, I cannot be sure of what awaits us when we die and I fear that I will be sent to a place where I will not be reunited with my beloved again. He died of a sudden accident. Completely out of the blue and unexpected. One minute we were talking to each other and a few hours later he was gone forever. Only at the age of 34. It's so hard to wrap my mind around it. It just doesn't make any sense that he'll never be with me (in this life, at least) again.
I have gotten some strong ADC's from him, I think. Like you though, I am quite skeptical and try to rationalize them away as just bizarre events or grief-induced hallucinations. But I did see a spirit/ghost/entity or whatever the hell it was when I was a very young girl, and I know for certain what I saw actually happened. So I have had one genuine, without-a-doubt encounter with the spiritual dimension. Nothing ever happened to me in the paranormal sense since then until my fiance died. Really weird things. I don't know if I just so desperately want to believe that he is still "alive" in some form and still with me and still loving me and eagerly awaiting my return to him. I just don't know.
But anyways, I just wanted to let you know that you offered another suffering person some comfort with your post. Even if it has been several years since it was written. I know there is nothing that I can say or do to take your pain away except returning your beloved husband to you. But trust me, if I had the power to I gladly would.
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Hi, Lilia. Thank you for posting, and for your empathy. I'm glad that my post provided some comfort to you; I do sometimes worry that other people in this horrible situation might be hurt by my posts, since for me everything has remained horrible since my husband died, and will never be any different. It's possible that it might be different for you, with time -- it is, for some people. I am sorry for your loss, and I hope it gets better for you.
I don't actually "try" to rationalize away any possible signs from my husband, it's just that I so much need to know that he still exists, that he is still himself, that he is happy and well, and that we will be together again as soulmates, that I have a very difficult time accepting signs, because they might just be wishful thinking on my part. I need proof, and I don't think that's too much to ask for.
I saw some things when I was younger, as well -- ghosts, spirits, I'm not really sure. Somehow that still doesn't prove anything to me, I suppose because those things didn't matter to me and this does.
Anyway, thank you for posting. :)
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Dear Bluebird, I can relate so well to your huge loss, feelings of great bitterness, and to your agnostic views. I think an atheist or agnostic has a special type of grief all their own. I doubt there's an afterlife and so it feels as if my two lost loved ones (who meant everything to me) just fell off the face of this earth and disappeared. It has caused me to have panic attacks and a hatred for living. Why would nature instill such a deep love in us and then cruelly take away those whom we love most? That is why I'd like to be your friend, because I have no faith, and it's hard to get through this with no one around who feels as I do. (I sent you a friend request today.)
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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on
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im humnist coz of so mush loss i loss my faif in relgin coz of it
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Me, too, JO B. But I lost a lot of other fears along with it. It's just hurts so much, though, to imagine we will never see them again.
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Peggy,
I am agnostic, verging on atheist. I have to say, though, that even if there is no god, that doesn't necessarily mean that there is no afterlife. Lets assume, for the sake of argument, that there is no god of any kind. Well, we are still here, existing in this earthly life, without a god/creator. So why shouldn't we be able to do the same after this life?
I am agnostic regarding an afterlife, too, so I am not saying that this is the case, only that I don't think the possibility is not precluded by there being no god.
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Hi Peggy,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It does make it harder and somehow more surreal ... to know they no longer exist and have simply vanished. Very, very difficult. Please private message me whenever you feel like it!
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I'll look forward to that, Peggy, and to compare our experiences of grief with similar (un)beliefs!
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Hello, Paula Marie. I absolutely agree; for agnostics or atheists it is in some ways worse when a loved one dies than it is for a person who has faith in an afterlife and possible a god. As you said, we doubt if there is an afterlife, and we don't know, as we need to, whether our loved ones still exist and whether we will be reunited with them. I'm sorry you are in this horrible situation too.
Thank you for the friend request; I have just accepted it. Feel free to PM me, or to post on this thread.
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Hi Bluebird, thanks for answering, and I just sent you a long private message.
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