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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Val Harden on
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bluebird will be with her husband in the afterlife because the 'loving" God knows her terrible emotional pain when she lost her beloved. In God's promise he will unite us with our loved ones in heaven. The God I speak of loves all people and not particular religion as you believe. God understands why bluebird has rejected him and many do because they feel God has done them wrong. bluebird very deep love for her husband that shadows to realize God really loves her. She has closed her heart to God. If she could realize someday this was not God's fault and that death is part of life,hopefully she can have some peace and joy in her life until she meets her beloved. This is God greatest gift that we "all" of different faiths and no faith will be united with our loved ones in the afterlife. It about the "Love" thy neighbor and not yourself. Want you make here on earth is want you carry in the afterlife.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Thank you, Val. I tend not to believe that there's a loving god, but if there is then you are right, s/he would not prevent me from being with my beloved husband.
If there is a god, and if in the afterlife s/he proves to me that s/he is not at fault for my husband's death, or if I somehow just know it due to having died and gone to the afterlife, then I will apologize to that god. Unless/until then, if there is a god then I do believe that god is at fault (perhaps not directly -- I don't believe that some god actually wanted my husband to die, only that if s/he exists, s/he didn't prevent it).
Anyway, thank you for your comment and support.
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Yes,bluebird I was renting rooms. I had two rooms to rent and they are fully rented now. $500 per room plus utilities. Thank God! What so weird,the first renter I got is a woman that I went to the same school with and she also friends with my best friend who I spent Thanks Giving with. How lucky I am to know my best friends knows this woman,which in my eyes is not a total stranger. Is it luck? lol
Girl,I'm going encourage for you to found a least one nugget of joy or peace. Would you please try to look.. I don't want you to die. I've been reading all your comments since you started this discussion. Please take baby steps..Your beloved Husband wants you to be happy!
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That's good that you feel comfortable renting the rooms, and that you got good people renting. I'm sure that really helps with the bills.
I know my husband wants me to be happy; however, that simply isn't possible now. Hopefully after I'm dead....if there's an afterlife and we can be together again, then I will be happy. But this life is empty, as far as I'm concerned. I want nothing from it anymore, I only want it over.
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val,
I do believe this way too. God knows everyone's heart.. That is how we will be judged, I believe. I can certainly understand how some people that have suffered unspeakable loss and tragedy. Become bitter and angry at God. It would be so unjust to not allow these other wise good hearted people into heaven to reunite with their loved ones. This has bothered me for some time. That so many think you must just have faith. What you said about bluebird being able to unite with her husband even though she rejects him now, Is exactly right. Thank you.
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Thank you, Roger.
Just to be clear -- it's god I reject, if there is one, not my husband. I'm pretty sure you knew/know that, but I just wanted to clarify because of the wording of your penultimate sentence. :)
I very much doubt there is a god at all, but if there is, then s/he should absolutely not want to try to keep my and my husband apart. If it is a loving god at all, it won't. And quite honestly, if there is an afterlife and if there is a god that tries to keep me from my husband, I will tear the afterlife and/or my own soul apart before I will allow that to happen.
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Oh bluebird, I apologize for my bad writing. I should have proof read that again. I know you could no more reject your husband than I could reject my wife. I do believe you have a ticket to be with your husband in heaven. The cost of that ticket, paid in full by your broken heart. :)
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Roger..
God will not judge us,we will judge ourselves when we cross over to watch our life review. I believe in the afterlife. He is not dead! His Spirit is still alive! There is too much evidence to say the after life does not exist. I myself and my grand daughter have experience too many spirit communications from my Husband since his passing. Our real selves is in spirit and when our physical body dies our spirits goes to our real home.(Heaven) Various Mediumships has proven that,so has NDE,Death Bed Visions,After Death Communications and that list goes on.
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Val,
Thank you for this link. It is fascinating. I grew up in the south. Attended mostly Southern Baptist churches. In these churches. If you are not "saved" you can not enter heaven. Period! Even as teenager I would ponder why would a loving God, let so many poor pitiful people, suffer disease, tragedy, grief, loneliness you name it. Then not allow them into heaven. Just because they are misdirected. That simply wouldn't be fair. I have to believe in a after life. (heaven) Believing that I one day, will see my Karla and my mama again. Is how I make it through each day. Thanks again
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Of course there can be an afterlife even if there's no creator. As you said -- believing or not believing won't change the reality, but that goes both ways, and my view is as likely to be right as yours is.
If there is an afterlife and i can be with my husband in it, then i will not be disappointed. There can be a god there or not, that is irrelevant to me either way.
I am not "rejecting the king of heaven" -- i simply don't believe that such a being exists. And if i'm wrong, and it does, and it is such a petty despot as to punish me fir not belueving in its existence within the narrow confines of one specific religion among the hundreds or thousands existing on this planet, then i would never want to be anywhere near an evil bastard like that anyway.
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