I don't know how to talk about it. I try but I don't know how and I so badly wish I could. Last night I was at a party and this kid said, "Say his name. Say his full name." He wanted to drink to my dead twin's name. I froze. I love my twin to pieces but when I talk about him I freeze up. No one wants to deal with that, especially at a party, so I tried to evade it. But this kid was so insistent, and finally I said my brothers name just to shut him up. Hearing myself say his name stuck a wrench in my throat the rest of the night. I couldn't talk.

I write though, I write a lot. Especially music. And screenplays. That's how I live, I guess, that's what keeps me here. I'll get straight to the point. About 11 months ago, I attempted suicide. It was after spending the day being cross examined in court on account of my best friend's sexual abuse. The defense attorney tried to use my brother's death to delegitimatize me. Needless to say, I was not in a good place. All I remember from the attempt is being unable to swallow or open my eyes fully and then thinking, "What about my songs?" An avalanche went down my stomach alongside that thought. I had to finish my songs. And I know I'll never commit suicide because my songs and stories will never be finished. 

Nobody knows about that suicide attempt or how it's relevant to my songs/stories, but I think that's okay. It's not an easy thing to explain to people who have no idea how close I got. I mean, holy shit, if they only knew... If they knew what I looked like as soon as everyone left the room. It would've been so much harder on them. I feel horrible for getting so close.
So, music and stories, that's how I live. This is an original music video I made as a tribute to life, love and growing up. I have three brothers: my twin, and my two older brothers who are also twins. It's the four of us in this video, and all the people we grew up with. Music and stories are how I survive: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mXI7-RNYSM8