To all who lose a sister.
I guess it all started the day my mum turned up on my door step and told me that the hospital had said Jane would last between a month and 6 months. As I it was she hung on for another 2 weeks. But that evening after my mother had left my world fell apart and my walls collapsed.
That night I went home and cried with my mother and cried myself to sleep.
Why am I telling you this now? 30 years after the event. Because things have never been the same, and this week 30 years are no more than a week. Why so?...because I haven't been so hit by pain and grief for probably 28 years!
Why so ? again I hear you say ... A combination of Photos and Age... Photos that I hadn't seen before,Jane and myself, a mere year or so before her death from a time that feels so distant. With a body language that I had forgotten. I looked at the pictures again and again and the action was as if scratching a scab , delicious yet dangerous.
And age because?... I'm 50 now and my own mortality and mourning for my lost youth can play on a boys mind you know
Anyway . back to the point. 30 friggin years and the pain don't leave. I don't want it to... I'm gonna be indulgent .. F*** ya .. She was my childhood, my big sister, She was whose bed I went to early on weekend mornings , she looked after me and i knew she cared. In return I was her little brother , her Pigpen , probably an irritant but rarely shown.
To those with fresher hurt than mine, relish the closeness that the hurt brings. As the years go by the pain is the most real thing you have.
I never wish to lose the huge feeling of loss, I never want that void in my heart to be filled.
But we have to live. We must, at some point, put the hurt to one side and function. This can be done given time. But never relax! The pain can whack you hard when you are not watching, expect it... Prepare for it.. And indulge in it (when the time is right).
Above all, acknowledge, Never deny. Bore and embarrass your friends if necessary, but never deny..
We are damaged , of course! And hurt is always lurking, but that's OK. At least we are still here. So find fun, beauty and joy where you can and live life to the full and above all, love, love love..
