Just Another Christmas

I am now going on on my 3rd Christmas without my Husband, I cannot stand to listen to Christmas Music as it brings me no joy or happiness.I wish I could just sleep from now until the next year. I have a family but it hurts so much to watch all the spouses hugging and kissing. I am the first of the family to lose a spouse, so no one gets why I don't feel any happiness. As Scrooge said, screw Christmas.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on December 7, 2015 at 9:13am

Linda, I feel the same about wanting to die. I am tired of feeling miserable all the time and missing my sister to no end. I mean, I feel like I want to just scream and scream and not stop this is so unbearable. But I can't do that to my Ma.  I can tell that there is a sort of "all we have is each other now' type of feeling between us now.

I just want to become a recluse. I'm tired of trying to function in society. I don't want to laugh or joke with people. I don't want to be around people at all. Everyday is a struggle.

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 7, 2015 at 3:57pm

Hollowheart,

I feel the same way of becoming a recluse. Most people go on with life as usual but we are a certain breed of people. We love truly.

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 6, 2015 at 3:15pm

me 2

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 6, 2015 at 3:27pm

Thanks for your support Jo. God Bless You

Permalink Reply by bluebird on December 7, 2015 at 9:16am
Same here, HollowHeart. There is no joy, no peace, no equilibrium.
Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 7, 2015 at 4:01pm

Today I talked with my sister and she compares her grief of my Mother, who passed away 16 years ago to my grief of losing of a husband, my soulmate. I was able to overcome the death of my Mother and Father and I do miss them dearly, but losing the man I loved with all my heart is something  I have to live with day after day. I have prayed for God to take me so I can be with him, That would be my Christmas Wish.

Permalink Reply by morgan on December 7, 2015 at 7:23pm

The attempts made by some to compare our grief to theirs always becomes just one more internal assault we are supposed to somehow use to fix ourselves.  What they don't realize is it makes it worse.  

My parents have died and for awhile I was touched by grief but NOTHING compares to this.  This was the man who filled me with love.  He was my most intimate.  

Can the companionship of a loved one who is not a spouse be missed?  Of course, absolutely.  But if anyone married had an intimate bond the suffering is intense. This is not to say that there is not grief for those who have lost sons, daughters, sisters, brother, mothers, fathers, nana, papa, etc.  But deep intimacy separates that kind of loss from others. Along with talking and sharing time together and living under the same roof or just feeling so close to another persons inner spirit there is still one thing that death of a spouse adds to the loss.  The loss of intimacy and I don't know about others but for me it is the connection along with everything else that is more than I can stand.  

Please do not think I minimize the grief of anyone else.  We all have bonds that we never want broken.  All I know is I am still struggling daily with the death of my husband whereas when my parents died I was able to somehow incorporate their leaving me behind as a more understandable loss.  Something that I didn't necessarily want to have happen but felt better equipped to incorporate it into what my reality was and go forward.  I didn't give up.  I felt they would have wanted me to continue to go forward without them.

For some reason I have yet to figure out how I can tell myself my husband would want me to go forward. Unlike with my parents death I can find no tools that allow me to open that door.  I just want to go with him.  I don't want to go forward.  It's not what he would have wanted, it's what I feel.  I want to live in my past with him.  I am just biding time.  Passing through a place I don't want to live but being forced to because I am not allowed to change it.  I am not allowed.  Everyone wants me to get better.  To fix it.

All I want for Xmas is to pass through to wherever he went.

Permalink Reply by bluebird on December 7, 2015 at 9:23pm

AMEN.

I completely agree.

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on December 7, 2015 at 9:38pm

I second bluebird's amen.

It's just not right to be not together.

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 8, 2015 at 6:31am

Morgan,

Wonderfully said.

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 8, 2015 at 9:43am

That is my wish for Christmas too. 

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 6, 2015 at 12:23am

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