My life changed this year. Ive spent my whole life trying to figure out where I belonged. I lost my grandpa at an early age (and boy was I a grandpas girl) . I think lost my uncle , my great grandma, my grandma and my grandma. oh and another grandpa. (i had 3 sets of grandparents. I also lost my aunt and uncle. My neighbors who were like grandparents to me. Another 2 aunts and 3 uncles. A cousin I was close to. My ex's mother was viciously murdered. There are other losses but sometimes, I lose count. Then this last year I turned 27. I hadn't much family left, one grandmother who has alzheimers and another I never spoke to, and my mom and dad.

My mom was given the news she might only have a certain time, but she passed that time. We all thought she was too mean and tough to die. My dad went into end stage renal failure just a year before he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma. I was a single mom of 2 little girls. Luckily I finally met the man who is now my husband. After dating a year we moved into his house. I continued to take care of my parents. On new years day 2011 My mom suffered a heart attack. She got out of the hospital in under a week, the next morning she found my dad dead. I had called all that morning and got no answer, and it worried me. I was going to check on him, and I kept calling over and over again. Finally she answered and could barely breathe and told me what was going on. I got there as soon as I could. Somehow my mom and I , we made it through the funeral planning and emotions the best we could. I helped her with what I could. Then 11 days after my dad died, I tried to call my mom . No answer. I tried over and over , no answer. Finally I went over there to check on her... because she was known for retreating into her bedroom or going off to whereever without telling. But instead of finding an empty house or sleeping mom. I found her dead. She had been dead probably overnight. And I found her. I stood there screaming. What else could I do but scream?

Sometimes I still feel like I'm standing there....screaming. Screaming at the top of my lungs but no one is hearing me. I spent so long taking care of them so long living with them, all of my life loving them. They were my everything . And then they were both taken from me.

A month later my grandmother (who I had no relationship passed away)

I've tried to tell myself the positive things...at least they aren't sick, they don't hurt, they are with family. But none of that helps, none of that brings them back. I miss them so much that I can't even sleep anymore. I just can't handle life. I lost my smile, I lost my happiness. I just want to fade away into the background and just barely exist my way through life. But I can't do that. People depend on me.

So what do I do, when I'm alone....and the silence is screaming right in my ear? Because I have to find a light in this tunnel, I can't do this  anymore. I believe things will get better. but for now, i feel orphaned, alone, abandoned, angry, overwhelmed and in disrepair. Ive lost my identity, who i was... I'm not her anymore. I just want to find my way back. through this hurt.