I'm lost and need input

I haven't spent much time checking this site out yet so I'm just kind of winging it, looking for advice or support or something. I'm 24 and life has been a crazy roller coaster. I was born in Illinois and adopted at birth and brought to California, where I have lived since. My parents divorced when I was 7 and that was pretty unexpected. Fast forward about 11 years. My pops was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2011. This was hard but he was a trooper about it and continued to live life while also receiving treatment. My mom struggled with mental illness for most of her life, PTSD and depression from a rough upbringing. Since the divorce she had a really hard time with money because she was a social worker. She was trying to become a licensed therapist. So in 2013 her depression got really bad and in March she killed herself. This was so hard for me! She was like my best friend. We used to fight and bicker but had mended our relationship and were very close. Often times adoptees will have a feeling of worthlessness because they feel as though they weren't good enough for their biological parents to want to keep them. I struggled with that a bit before but when my adoptive mom committed suicide those feelings got more intense. Why would my mom leave me, especially when my dad has cancer? I still haven't read my mom's letter to me, it's too hard. I've tried countless times but can't get passed the first line (it's 3 pages). I had my dad read it right after she died to make sure there weren't any requests she made of me or something. So fast forward 3 years. My dads cancer has spread to his lungs by now and things suddenly got very bad. I'll spare you all the details but pretty much was in the ICU with my dad for two weeks and then the doctor said his cancer was too advanced and that his lungs were compromised and they were going to stop treatment and "put it in God's hands." So then palliative doctors and hospice and all that. He wanted to die at home with loved ones. So we got him home late night on November 4th. As soon as he got home things got very bad. He went from 6 liters of oxygen per minute to 20... Anyways, he died that next morning. I was holding his hand. Only time I've seen someone die and it's so scary. So now I'm all alone. I turn 25 in January. My mental health and my life seem so be all over the place. My mom and pops will always be my heroes. My parents were kind, smart, generous, cheerful, and both powerful warriors. Not sure what to do now.. Any advice ?

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Permalink Reply by Michael on December 1, 2016 at 8:44am
I am so sorry. Many of us on this site are in similar positions. It is not easy. I wish I had some advice. Maybe someone else who reads this can offer some. We are here.
Permalink Reply by Jan on December 1, 2016 at 9:37am

Dear Teyo,

As a mother, I wish I could find a way to comfort you.  For now, just sharing what you are going thru with people that are familiar with the grief you are experiencing may help you a bit.  I joined a Grief Share group in my area but at the time it didn't help much.  I was still very broken and was just looking for a place to take away my pain.  The group I was in wasn't the right one for me, but I plan on trying again some place else with maybe a larger group.  You don't need to be religious, although these classes are usually at a church.  Please check them out online.  I was considered the "crier" of the group.  It did help just being able to talk out loud about the way I was feeling with others that had similar grief in their life.  Anything that seems it might work is worth trying.  My heart is with you.

Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on December 3, 2016 at 6:28am

Teyo

I am so sorry for your loss.

I know this....that I use HOPE to help me get through my pain. Hope for a future reunion. Yes I look forward to seeing my loved ones again.

The basis for my hope is the Bible. This doesn't work for all. Some don't believe in the Bible. And there are so many different views. But my hope is very helpful to me. It doesn't take my pain away but it gives me a focal point to move toward.

Permalink Reply by Anna on December 3, 2016 at 7:14pm
I'm so sorry to hear of the tragic happenings in your life. You are so young. I lost my mother several months ago. She was fine one day and died suddenly the next. I find consolation in believing I will be with her again when I die. I look for signs from her and I pray to God a lot. I believe she is with God now. I think I smelled her perfume one day, but I'm not sure. That's all I have. I wish I could be of more help. I was hoping this site would help.

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