I lost my huband to Alzheimer's Jan. 27th, I am still so lost

After what we believe was a 10 year battle,my huband passed from the complications of dementia on January 27th. His Celebration of Life will be April 3, the day before Easter.

 

His last several weeks were spent under hospice care at home and his last six days were at our local hospice home. He went for respite and never came home. I was so mentally and physically exhausted when the ambulance came to get him that I could not go with him that night and I decided that maybe it would be better if I waited a day to see him. When I got to the hospice home he had already begun the process of passing. I was shocked to see the change. I believe that if I had not have had that day to rest I would not have been able to get through the days that followed, but I am still guilted by not going with him. He had been very aggressive with the cna's at home that day and they felt it would be dangerous for me to be alone with him. They felt as did his nurse that some medication changes needed to be made. I still have this heavy burden on my heart that had I been with him that maybe he wouldn't have left this world so soon. I was with him from the time they called me. I just feel like I abandoned him the first day.

 

I am lost right now, can anyone help me put these feelings at ease. I was with him till the moment he died, for several days, but I still am uncomfortable about his first day alone without me at hospice.

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Permalink Reply by kari vorbeck on March 7, 2010 at 9:38am
Dianne I am sorry for your loss. You can not beat yourself up over this. You have been the care taker of your husband for ten year, which is extraordinary. I think we all go through periods of regret. If only I would have done this or said that. I will always regret not telling my husband that I loved him while they there taking him off to surgery. I wanted to keep it lite so I told him I would see him in a few hours, he did not make it through surgery. You need to forgive yourself, thinkof all the times you were there for him. During stressful times, we as care takers, need to care of our own mind and bodies to be able to continue. That one day of rest for you made it possible to continue with what was to come. Love yourself, remember the good times of your life with your husband.
Permalink Reply by Dianne Mills on March 7, 2010 at 6:30pm
Thank you Kari. I am so sorry for your loss too. And I think making it lite for your husband was the right thing to do. I have had enough surgery to know how stressfull it is when its elective, can't imagine your loss. Its amazing how that one day we take can affect us so much. I will have wonderful memories of my life with my husband. He was always my rock. He had early onset AD. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You cherish your good memories too.
Permalink Reply by Suzanne Ballard on April 26, 2010 at 8:51am
Hi, Dianne
I too felt guilty about not being with my husband when he passed away because I had always promised him I would be there with him until the end. The night he died, I had gone home to sleep (he was at my mother in law's house right next door) because the spare bed at my mother in laws house gave me a backache and I needed some sleep. He passed away in the early hours of the morning and I was not there. I feel like I broke my promise to him and I was extremely upset about that for a while but then I realized that he loved me like loved him and he would have understood why I wasn't there. He didn't seem like he was that close to passing on and I just didn't realize that he was. I am only human, as are you, and we are not perfect creatures. If you did your best for your husband, that is really all you could have done. You have to let this go and take care of yourself. You are the one who is still here and you have enough to deal with, just being a widow.
Suzanne B.

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