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Permalink Reply by Liv on November 13, 2020 at 9:48pm

Hi KJ,

I wish I could help you, but I too am new to this. I lost someone very close to me about seven weeks ago. It sucks, and for that I'm sorry. The only thing I can recommend is to continue writing, or talking to others. Don't keep your feelings bottled up. You deserve to feel everything you feel, and no one should tell you otherwise.

Best of luck and I'm here if you ever need to talk.

-Liv

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Permalink Reply by KJ P Alta on November 20, 2020 at 6:49am

Thank you. Your reply made me feel a little bit happy that I could talk to someone about this. I am still holding up and we just passed the 40 days mark. I still can't believe that he's dead. I still have nights like this when I just imagine how I last saw him, lifeless. I can't get it out of my head. I wish I could just forget that part and only remember him smiling, laughing, singing... but whenever I think of him, that image of him dead for hours is just what I remember first.

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Permalink Reply by KJ P Alta on November 20, 2020 at 7:08am

Update:

In my country it's a tradition to do prayers on the 40th day that someone has died so they could go to heaven. It was my cousin's 40 days yesterday (Nov 19th). We prayed that he'll be able to get into heaven and that he would be happy wherever he might be. 

The morning of his 40th day, I had a dream where he was there. This is the first time that I had a dream where I saw him. I thought maybe he was saying goodbye to me because he'll be going soon to finally be at peace. In my dream he was at the back of the car with our family and friends and he was singing. I forgot what song he was singing but I felt that he was happy. But when I woke up, I still thought that he was alive. I was so happy when I woke up because I thought everything was just a joke and he was still there. 

The night of his 40th day, we continued praying and got his room, the room where he died blessed by our pastor. I was angry at my relatives for treating his room like a tourist spot or like a haunted house. They were all scaring each other and were giggling and asking if they could take a peek on where my cousin died. They don't know how traumatizing it was for us who saw him dead. They're just there for the "thrill" and not to pray for my cousin's soul. It was so disrespectful. I will probably never forgive them for treating my dead cousin like a ghost that's something to be afraid of. 

Fast forward to today, Nov 20th, I'm still thinking about him and if he really died peacefully. I went to the website where he sought for suicidal advice. I looked for his post last October and I saw that what he did may be a hit or miss. He might've died a very painful death or not. I am reading through all of his post on that website and thinking about how he felt when he was posting all of those things. Planning the way that he'll go, the day before he died. He may have wanted to fir but all I've been (still) thinking about is if he regretted doing that when it had been too late for him to ask for help.

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