I don't no what to do anymore

I give up so much , I lost my dad at the age of 9 to a car crash, it's been 9 years and I haven't opened up to anyone properly about it. I have a memory box my mum made with his watch and dad ring I got him that was was taken off his body when he died. I cry my eyes out every time looking at the stuff , I cry so much I struggle to breath , I lie in bed every night crying my eyes out cause I miss him so much and don't no what to do. I never get asked how I am or if I'm okay because I'm always smiling , always called the smiler in work and customers even say I'm always smiling.. I only smile to hide the pain of missing him so much, I feel useless , unwanted, fat , ugly and annoying... I can't do this , in the past I have self harmed a little and I'm scared incase I go back to doing it. I'm scared that because I'm so upset now at this age it's going to get worse and I end up doing something I regret. Every years getting harder , I still struggle to believe he's dead, it feels like he's alive but just not near me. I feel stupid and childish for always being so upset

Tags: I, give, up

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Permalink Reply by Pearl Irene on July 19, 2017 at 8:29pm
Jordan, there are some churches that have grief meetings. I have been considering it, but I thought I would wait a while. My grief is very new since my son died last month. This is something you have been carrying for years. The memory box from your mother sounds like a very thoughtful idea. I may do that for my other children. They are all adults, but would appreciate it. So sorry for your loss, I adore my father and would be lost without him. Even joining a church would at least provide you some companionship. Please don't self harm. Praying for healing.
Permalink Reply by Angela on July 30, 2017 at 10:28pm

Jordan,  I think you got it right when you said you have not yet opened up to anyone about your feelings of immense grief, your self-harm, and worthlessness.  You are a precious person who has covered your pain by hiding it to everyone.  But you harm yourself by keeping it inside and you see it.  You really need to seek out professional help from someone who you can be yourself 100% and tell them everything you are dealing with.  Friends and family can only help so much.  I can be very open to my therapist and he keeps me focused and gives me an awareness of my issues that I could not get from others.  

Please get help, and if the first therapist/counselor is not a good match then keep trying. You are so young and there is much of life to be enjoyed...even though you can't realize it with so much pain you carry.  

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