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Permalink Reply by bluebird on July 10, 2014 at 9:17pm

I am in a similar position, though you and your husband had more than twice as many years together as me and my husband did. I don't know how one lives after the death of a soulmate -- I know I definitely don't want to.  We didn't have any children (another of the horrible things about my husband's unexpected death at much too young an age), but I do have wonderful parents, a wonderful sister, and a wonderful brother-in-law, all of whom love me very much and all of whom I love very much, and still their love isn't enough to make me want to live -- being with my husband is more important. Like you, I can't justify or understand what purpose I serve by being here, and quite honestly I don't care about that anymore. I don't believe in god, but every day/night I beg my husband to let me die and be with him (even though I have no faith in an afterlife either, but I do hope there is one).

I know i'm not really helpful, and i'm sorry, but I don't know what else to say. At least know you aren't alone in the way you feel.

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Permalink Reply by Sandi on July 10, 2014 at 11:16pm

Thank you so much for your reply. 38 years wasn't enough & I can't begin to understand why this happened. The only family I have left are my 3 boys & grandchildren. I am blessed to have them, but they are in a whole different world then I am. I do believe in God but I am mad as he'll at him. I was able to fulfill my promise to my husband that I would always be beside him but it is no comfort to me now. My heart is broken in so many pieces I know it will never be whole again. I am so sorry for your loss & I can only imagine that the platitudes people offer mean nothing unless they've walked in your shoes. It is so easy for people to tell you that they are sorry, but you have to go on. That's a load of bullshit. Unless they have walked in your shoes they have no clue. I don't know if any of us can get over this kind of loss but I continue to pray that god is a loving & just god & takes me to my husband.

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on July 12, 2014 at 1:05pm

I don't understand any of this, either.  I do know how you feel, at least as well as another person can, and i'm sorry for your loss, too.  The idea of "going on", is bullshit, I agree.  I will never "get over" this loss, nor "move on" from it in any way.  This is where I am, until I die, which I hope will be soon.  I have no faith in a loving god, but I do have faith in my husband, and even though I don't know if he still exists I ask him to do whatever he can to make it so that I can die and be with him as soon as possible.  If there actually is a heaven sort of afterlife, and if it is better than here, then that would only be good for me.

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Permalink Reply by Sandi on July 11, 2014 at 11:16pm

Thank you for your heartfelt reply. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I know I am selfish when I scream about having only 38 years. I don't stop & think about all of the people that didn't have the luxury of those years, & for that I am sorry. I know you know all to well how grief just consumes you. The only thing keeping me here is the belief that suicide is the ultimate sin that forever will bar you from ever being with your loved ones on the other side. In the last 7 years I have lost my mom, my aunt her sister, my uncle her brother & the cousin I was raised with. All that sorrow does not begin to compare to the depth of my pain & sorrow of losing my husband. Tonight I am struggling with what I'm going to do tommorow. Not only is it another day without my sweetheart, it is the start of one of my triplet grandaughters soccer tournament that she wants me to be there for. I have never gone to any of their soccer matches, baseball games or taekwondo tournaments without my husband. All those things were very special to us & we did them together. It's extremely hard with the triplets because our houses are connected by a breezeway. I cannot break down in front of them. They are only 7 & are having a very difficult time without their grandpa. We have lived beside them since they came home from the hospital & grandpa has always been there to love & spoil them. I'm praying that I can pull this off tommorow.
I hope that you will make an effort to not lose anymore weight because you know that's not what your sweetheart would want for you. Even though they are gone they are still with us. I honestly believe my husband & god have heard my prayers & my husband has come to me 3 times when I needed him most. I sleep with his robe which has made it possible for me to sleep. Although I know this all sounds strange I can tell you I have felt him touch my cheek & kiss me.
No one can tell us how or when to grieve, we can only pray that god is as loving & just as we have come to believe. My prayers go out to you.

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Permalink Reply by Lost & Alone on August 22, 2014 at 8:22pm

I know how you feel I know he is with me I can feel him, I think that is why I can get up and go, and do things for myself, cause I want him to know I did not quit, I think that he he finds a way to let me know he still cares and want what is best for me.

I even has a gypsy tell me that she saw my husband looking out for me, Gotta believe now.

Good luck I hope you recieve many visits from Tim even when you are out and about doing the things you both did together, You know I happens if he was your soul mate he feels the same things you do.... Same Soul and all

Good Luck 

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Permalink Reply by Veronica Hoffman on July 15, 2014 at 2:22am

I don't know, Sandi. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know those words don't help. Believe me, I know.

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