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How do I get past this?

One thing I'm dealing with is how even though I've had this major disruptive event in my life, I'm somehow expected to keep up with everyone and everything. I'm really struggling with this. I'm realistic enough to know that the world won't stop for me and my problems, I know my responsibilities didn't disappear or get put on hold when she passed on, but it IS a real struggle to keep up. I just don't know what to do sometimes....

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Permalink Reply by Eliza on February 6, 2013 at 10:06pm

I relate to this feeling. My mom passed from cancer 2 months ago, and recently a coworker expressed surprise that I am still grieving! My grief counselor made a good point to me--we live in a society that values "moving forward" and "getting things done" (and one example would be the standard 3-5 days of bereavement time that most corporations give you when you lose a loved one; like we should be able to compartmentalize our feelings so neatly into that short timeframe?!). She gave me some good advice: expect that people won't get it unless they've been there. And also take time to take care of yourself. Moving through grief is exhausting, and we simply cannot function they way we could before. I find that what helps me is to be kind to myself and to rest when I can, and to not expect myself to jump back into keeping up with everyone and everything. I find myself saying "no" to people a lot more than I used to. I take naps when I can. Or I just take time out to think about my mom and look at photos, letters, etc. Work can be more difficult, I know; it is a struggle to balance expectations when you're grieving; I find that I go to work, get what I need to get done finished, and then go straight home to rest. Hope this helps.

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Permalink Reply by Bob Fredrick on February 7, 2013 at 6:32am

I've learned I need to treat this like an injury. You can't see it... it's not physical at all... but it is an injury none the less. It would be easier with everyone else if it was physical, but it still leaves a scar that no one knows is there except me.

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Permalink Reply by Lorin Cohen on February 10, 2013 at 8:30am

Hello Bob and Eliza - I lost my Dad in Jan of 2010 then my mom in June of 2011. The grief was overwhelming - I did have to get back to work right away - but the grief was with me. Although time has passed - I still get sad and miss them terribly. No one can put a time on your grief - or how long you will feel exhausted, sad, and whatever you may feel. Yes, it is ok to say no to people to take time for yourself to grieve, rest, etc. I to would go to work - then just come home exhausted. So do what makes YOU feel better! Remember the good times together - not the loss. Our loved ones remain in our hearts. When I lost my mom so soon after my dad, I thought I wouldn't go on - but I have! And we all will in time.