Heartbroken

I lost my beloved mum 22 july 2013. She was my mother, my best friend, companion and the greatest love of my life. She was the epitome of love, kindness, beauty, grace and dignity. She suffered from lupus and cardiomyopathy . I was her primary caregiver for the past 13 years. My sole purpose in life was to ensure she was healthy, happy and to keep her alive. The past year has been very hard for her and us her family. Her heart was failing and she was hospitalised 7 times in past one year. Everytime she pulled through . But this last time few days ago was very traumatic. She had become very weak thanks to the powerful diuretics and other drugs given to treat her heart failure. Plus she was in the critical care unit of this hospital. They treated us very badly .They have very strict rules and kept us her family away from her. She was suffering ,in pain and felt alone and abandoned. I am shattered, devastated by her passing. Apart from this there is a terrible guilt. We always protected her from all negativity , we were always very kind and loving towards her. But the harsh ,cruel behaviour of the hospital staff made mum feel isolated and alone. I feel very guilty. I cry, I want to beg her for forgiveness because she felt alone . We fought with the hospital authorities but they were heartless and cruel. I can remember only the last traumatic days/ weeks of her suffering. How do I beg for her forgiveness. I feel lost, heartbroken without her. There is no reason, purpose to go on. The most important, most beautiful person has gone. Somebody please help.

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Permalink Reply by Melisa C on August 8, 2013 at 9:14am

I'm so sorry Dia, I can understand you very well, my Mom was (and is) my reason and the joy of my life. I also feel lost and cannot see clearly how to go on.

In your case, it must be startling, after all these years taking care of her, that she's no longer here. You devoted your time and life  to her, so what happens now? I can only tell you that I'm sure that wherever your Mom is now, she's looking at you with pride, for everything you did for her.

The last days of my Mom haunt me too, but in my case I didn't know she was dying. I had no clue. I think it's inevitable to feel obsessed with all the sad moments that surround death and wishing that you could go back in time or change the way things were

Those first days were agony for me, probably you are going through the same, there's no other way to do it than taking it one day or one hour at a time, no choice to skip grief but to go through it. I don't understand why do these things happen, why life has to turn out so dark.

Dia, I'm sorry because I know this doesn't help much. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone, many are going through the same situation, I hope you can be strong and send you a hug.

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on August 8, 2013 at 3:43pm

i no how u feal me mum lft my dad on ths horbil ward lst words woz sea u tomro dad luv u dad

got a telagram eary on 3rd mrch to get thr strate away got thr 10 mins to lat we did

i no how u fealabot fogivnes i feal bad tht we lft him thr if we had new he woz gong to die we wud of stayed all day 

my dad woz evry thng to me mum we miss him evry day i no its beanover a yr but no 1 no s our pain unles it hapens to thm

wot md it mor wors mydads bst mat died on tht ward 2 he died abot nov lst yr as well his drtr shes abot in her 60s hats ths ward lk me

it least on hear we r saf to say how we feal

jo

Permalink Reply by Dia -Ayesha on August 11, 2013 at 2:31am
Hi Melisa. Thank you so much for responding. I cant seem to stop feeling guilty at how the hospital staff behaved . Due to their awful, inhuman behaviour we were kept away from my mum. She felt alone ,isolated. I cant seem to deal with that. Its gnawing away at my insides. If only i could meet her, see her, tell her I'm so very sorry that she felt alone and isolated. I'm grieving mum's loss but I'm also grieving at how unkind life was to her, the many injustices and sorrows she endured in her lifetime. I feel gutted. Yet friends and even family members except me to continue with life . Its just been 20 days since mum passed and people have made stupid suggestions like go to the spa, go for a long drive, take tranquilizers. I mean are they freakin serious? Nobody gets the enormity and tragedy of my loss. I feel so alone.
Permalink Reply by Melisa C on August 11, 2013 at 4:49pm

It seems that we are forced to make a new life without our mothers, after being so very close. I don't really know how I'm going to manage to make it, but it seems there's no choice but to try and take a step at a time and imagine what our mothers would want us to do now.

The people who give you those suggestions mean well I think, it's just that they can't understand what you are going through. It's been only a few days since your mom passed, so none of those things is going to help, evidently. I hope you can at least cope a bit better as the days pass with this great sadness and heartbreak, Dia.

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