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Permalink Reply by morgan on March 25, 2017 at 8:58pm

Took the very words out my head to express how I feel now Linda.  I am not sure whether it is because I have passed the four year mark or what but I have begun to REALLY hate life.  Everything I am doing (and it is a lot) does nothing to make a difference in how I thought I might be able to push myself to make my attitude/feelings about life better.  If anything i have begun to really dig in.

Just this morning as I started to get going, once again I wanted to cry and when I did I ran into the shower (water seems to be a comfort to me) and just screamed at the top of my lungs "I hate you for doing this to me".  No, I don't really hate my husband for doing this to me, it certainly wasn't something he did to hurt me personally,  but I need to get this anger out and I can think of no other way I can direct it other than to say how much I hate that he left me.  Not him. I just cant think any other words to scream.  

And yes,  I cannot seem to think of anything other than the 35 years I had with my husband.  It doesn't matter what I look at, hear, do, touch........it all reverts back and I remember something that I did with him that had to do with something I am doing currently.  I hate it.  I hate that this life means nothing without him. It's not that I want it to.  It's just perverse that I am still stuck here having to live it out.  I hate it too Linda.  

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Permalink Reply by Maxey on April 2, 2017 at 2:21pm

Hi, Alice,
I never thought of us as heroes, but it is true. I feel like I am in a battle each day and when I get to the end of it, I have won - one day closer to ending this life, and, hopefully, being reunited with my husband. The heroine part starts again the next morning when I force myself out of bed to face the enemy again - the new day to make it through.
I am becoming more and more alone since no one wants to talk about my husband, and they want and expect me to "suck it up" and get over the whole "sad sack" thing.
Well, it isn't going to happen! I admire you all that are in the 3-4 year mark, I feel like a coward being so in despair at only 16 months. Looking forward to 4 years of this is really frightening and gives me the chills. I ask God, "please don't let me have to stay here to endure this". Maxey

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on March 28, 2017 at 4:42pm

we all do 

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Permalink Reply by Dennis C. on March 31, 2017 at 6:37am

Linda,

I know that nothing I say will ease your pain or loneliness. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this.

I myself am absolutely certain that we have a wonderful HOPE for the future in that we will be reunited with our loved ones.

The following scriptures are each one an account of a resurrection. Proof that one day we will be with our loved ones again.

1Kings 17:17-24;
2Kings 4:32-37;
2Kings 13:20, 21
John 11:11, 14-44:
Mark 5:35-42:
Luke 7:11-17
Ac 9:39-42
Ac 20:7-12

If we believe the promises of the Bible, it at the very least gives us a positive hope for the future instead of so much uncertainty.

I guess I just want to comfort you about your future. That being with your husband again is CERTAIN.

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Permalink Reply by Jean on April 2, 2017 at 12:52am

Hi there, I have texted? you before about the huge void losing my mother has caused. I am married and concerned about my DH health right now. What I learned from everything that happened during my mothers illness was not all in my hands. If I could have kept her here with me forever I would have. Are we supposed to be here forever? I am at the 4 year mark and still having emotional issues with her not being here. I feel extremely lost. What should we do? I have massive amounts of stuff to go through and donate or give away but the problem is that I am having strong emotional attachment to the stuff. Her stuff. Grandparents stuff. It is an unreal situation I cannot seem to get out of. I am going to have to hire someone to get me past this.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on April 2, 2017 at 10:00am

Hi Jean,

I feel the same as you, it will be 4 years in May, if is wasn't for my Psychiatrist I wouldn't be able to face each day. My live will never change, I don't want a new life, I want my old one back but I know that will never happen. 

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Permalink Reply by Kevin Bailey on May 3, 2017 at 11:15pm

I don't know how long I can deal with this new hell I've been thrown into.

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on May 7, 2017 at 5:22pm

wish i cud stay in 2011 i do

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on May 8, 2017 at 9:01am

Wish I could say in 2006, my husband didn't have cancer then

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