Guilt

I am also feeling rebound guilt. Big Time...I cry when I think of all the things I didn't do or didn't do enough for Nancy and perhaps I had something to do with her death. Did I give her enough pills, did I do this did I do that! I remember when
I would tell her I was going to take a shower or bath and she would say OK and the minute I stepped into the water I would hear her call me. I would get mad and berate her, not remembering she couldn't help it and didn't recall me telling her I was going to take a shower just 5 minutes before. Now I'm sad and crying over yelling at her. God help me, I'm so sorry....I was tired from caregiving but it wasn't her fault...I want her back. I miss her so.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on November 25, 2015 at 10:56am

I know that it is my fault because I did nothing right that nothing. Not one thing. I waited to late, I didn't urge her to just go to the hospital, I ignored my instincts in calling 911 because we had decided to take her the next freaking morning, which was to late. I ignored my gut and your gut is ALWAYS right. I let her lay there looking sick and not talking and I knew there was no way she was going to recover on her own. There is no way I was not responsible for her death, yet this is crying over spilled milk. I knew she had a heart condition. People tell me not to do that to myself, that it might have already been to late, but I don't believe it. We didn't even give her a chance at the hospital. I believe she could have lived. I just know it.

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on November 25, 2015 at 4:32pm

i no guilt thng

why dnt i fone 4 hlp oon soonr 

bean tkd by 1 or 2 famly im 2 balmee 4 evry thnh it hapned 2 evry 1 tht i carzeed it all wish mals my gi guilt evry nre guilt u cud say

my porr a my poor anti on her death bed i cudt kiss her gyd by wen she wz hrf alve i froze i cudnt  muve i froze lk a cowed u cud say 

she died 2 days latr she did im a cowedd u cud saydnt hav it in me 2 kiss her gud by wen she wz hrlf alv e u cy cud say

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on November 25, 2015 at 8:27pm

i froze at my gramma's bedside in 2002. i didn't know her very well. my mother is hateful, hateful, evil, and kept us apart from our gramma.

gramma could not do anything except for move one of her eyes.

she moved it to look intently into my eyes and i felt her intensity and love and connection reaching into me. i was too scared to hold her hand. but i was a grandchild and she knew.

a few weeks after she died, i woke up in the night and with my very blurry vision, saw a blurry white shape of my gramma at my bedside, holding my hand.

jo, they understand us. they do. they do. we are just kids and death is harshly, harshly, cruelly growing us up. they love us.

Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on November 25, 2015 at 9:47pm

That is neat hilary, the part of your gramma after she passed

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on November 26, 2015 at 5:56pm

I wonder why I saw her. I have been trying to see D but I can't see him.

Maybe it was something she did.

I always thought it must be real, that she was really there, because, in dreams, my vision's not blurry.

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on November 26, 2015 at 4:01pm

thnx hillary

it wz lk my body wz so stiff i froze thng im gona loze her wish i did 

i kiss her gud by innher coffen bt webn wen she wz hrf alve i froze stiff it wz lk my bidy body wz so stiff 

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on November 26, 2015 at 5:54pm

D was here at home and they would not let me put my arms around him.

My arms still scream out of my skin to hold him. My heart is raging and railing, sometimes I picture myself picking things up and throwing and breaking them.

But I had held him in my arms that morning and said good bye when he dropped me off at work. Both of us suffer because we missed a final chance, for different reasons but it is the same, too. And more, the finality of it.

It just hurts.

Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on November 30, 2015 at 10:37am

Hilary, the finality and the fucking unchangeable outcome of these horrid situations are driving me mad. I just wish I could reverse time. I am just so lost and broken and sick of being sad and sick of everything right now. I also hate that I didn't do what I should have done, which was just call a damn ambulance. I know that would have saved her  life. She didn't even get a chance. We didn't even get her to a hospital to get a chance at life.

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on November 30, 2015 at 11:04am

I know, HollowHeart. I am letting it drive me insane. What the f does it matter anymore.

Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on November 30, 2015 at 11:21am

Hilary, I think what is driving me so mad is she is the one person I'd go to in feeling like this. If I was having a hard time with someone else's death, I'd be able to go to her. I just miss our conversations so much. I miss them and need them. I can't tell you how pointless life feels sometimes. Nothing brings me joy anymore, even stuff that I liked that she didnt' like, I can't enjoy.

I was so excited for the new Star Wars movie, coming out on my birthday of all days, and we'd go see it together. Now seeing the movie trailer brings me to tears. Just miserable.

Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on November 30, 2015 at 11:28am

I know, right? D was my person like that. One time when he was out of town we realized we'd been on the phone together for six hours. What do people even say to each other for six hours?

But it was like that, and I know you know how it is, there's just this other wonderful spirit with whom you're constantly in silent or out loud dialog.

I promise to think of your wonderful sister when I see the ads for the movie. When you see them and you are crying, just please know that I am also remembering her.

I do not believe that we end when this is over.

Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on December 1, 2015 at 9:20am

Oh Hilary, thank you. thank you so much for saying that. That brought tears to my eyes. You're so sweet for thinking of her. I'd like to go see the movie, but it being such a fan movie I know people will be in groups and pairs and dressing up and having fun and I'll be there alone probably crying through the whole thing. So I'll probably just skip it and wait for it online or DVD.

You mentioned your D (oh, also me and my sisters names start with D :)  But anyway, your six hour conversation, yep, I've done that. I also loved face timing my sister. I called her like that all the time, and we'd just sit there and keep doing what we were doing but talking and it was like we were in the room together.

Sometimes we'd say nothing for a long time, but it's like we were still connected, you know? It's just when I read about you being on the phone for 6 hours I liked that and it also made me sad because those are the things that we can only get from that person. Who else do you know that would chat with you for 6 hours? That's the loss that is hard to take.

Like I don't have anyone else in this world that would face time with me like that, and I could be comfy doing it and also looking like crap, hair uncombed, in pajamas and neither of us would care one bit nor would she even notice. All those little things add up to a mountain of things we miss.

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