Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Ashley on January 2, 2013 at 1:26am

I have definitely experienced this, even from my husband. I also lost my mother recently. I think people just feel uncomfortable and are not sure what to say. I would actually love it if people would talk more about my mom. I just try not to take it personally. It does make me feel lonely, like you mentioned. Don't let them make you feel like you should be over your grief. The truth of the matter is people cannot relate to your pain unless they have been there. They may think you should be over it but that just means they have never experienced such pain.  

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Eliza on January 26, 2013 at 12:02am

Thank you, Ashley. And I totally get that you've experienced this from your husband. I get that, too....like he's really not sure what to say. The other day I brought up my mom in conversation with coworkers--I shared a fond memory--and they looked stricken at first, but then relaxed and laughed with me. But it is so hard.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Connie J on January 2, 2013 at 2:59am

People aren't deliberately ignoring your loss, rather they are uncomfortable discussing the deceased, or fail to ask how you are fearing that it would be upsetting for you. K, I am so sorry for your loss.  Ashley is right  when she says that people cannot relate to your pain unless they have been there.  Ashley, I am so sorry for your loss.  Regrettably, we have to learn to become our own 'grief companion', become self-nurturing and adopt a compassionate way of life...compassionate toward yourself and then to others.  I don't have any answers, but can relate to what you and Ashley are experiencing.  It can be a rocky road at times!!

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Eliza on January 26, 2013 at 12:00am

Thank you, Connie. It is a rocky road....so difficult.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on January 2, 2013 at 3:57pm

sory for yore k loss iv had it dun to me frineds crosing the st wen thy saw me u wud of thort i had som kind of horbel deses the way people r treating me even some of the family 1 of thm told i shud of foget my dad ever exsiested gey over it its easy ??? how its easy i got told i shud of got over it the day he died if she had not of bean my nease i thnk i wud of hit her but i dont condon vilinse its just a person who has loose lips any thng coms out 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Eliza on January 26, 2013 at 12:03am

Thanks, Jb. It is so hard.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Greg on January 25, 2013 at 11:01pm

My Mom died on December 18th.  Earlier this week I had lunch with a "friend" (who happens to be an Episcopal priest).  He knows of my mom's illness and death.  This was the first time I have seen him since she died and in the 90 minutes we were together he totally ignored my Mother's death.  Not even a simple "I'm sorry for your loss".  He did, however, spend a long time telling me about the funeral he conducted earlier in the week and all about the parishioner that had passed away--what a wonderful man; how much he will be missed, etc..

I wanted to scream "WHAT ABOUT ME?", but instead I sat through lunch feeling like I was totally discounted.  It was very weird.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Eliza on January 25, 2013 at 11:54pm

Greg--

I'm so sorry for your loss. Having lost my mom in early December, I can imagine how hard the holidays must have been for you. And you nailed it--you feel like you want to stand up and scream "my mom died!" It is really weird and isolating. :(

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Eliza on January 25, 2013 at 11:59pm

Thank you everyone. Your comments help and they make a lot of sense. Having been back at work a few weeks now, things have seemingly returned to "normal," although it is a new normal and things will never be the same again. You learn to turn your grief on and off--put on a "work face" at work and then shed it the minute you're out the door, in the car, on the way home. That said, I think of my mom every minute of every day.

• ▶ Reply