Boyfriends Father Passed Away-How can I support him?

I've been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years. We are currently looking for a place to move in together and love each other very much. 2 weeks ago his father suddenly passed away from heart attack. It was completely unexpected and everyone has been in shock. He has always been close to his father, his family all lives within 20 minutes away and always had get togethers and dinners with his parents. It's truly heartbreaking and makes me just sick to think about. His father was a wonderful man.

He has been grieving in what seems to be a pretty "normal" way. He laughs from time to time and cries from time to time but isn't the same as he used to be (as anyone would expect.) Unfortunately, I also lost my father when I was 11 so I can relate in some ways to the pain he is feeling. I try not to say "I know how you feel" because I don't as I lost my father as a child and he is a 31 year old adult. I've been staying with him almost every night and stayed at his mothers house with him during the first week. I attended the funeral, viewing, and family gatherings even with a 103 temperature during the first week. I've run errands with him, been a shoulder for him to lean on, and  bought him some sweet little presents. No matter what I do, I feel like I am not doing enough and I do not know how to help him. I know that nothing I do will fix anything but I want to be there for him as much as possible and I really don't know what else I can do.

I really want to be there for him the best way that I can and I don't want us to drift apart or have any issues. It's challenging as we do not yet live together so driving 25 minutes everyday has really taken a toll on me as well as my own family, friends, and pets. I am not complaining by ANY means and am happy to be with him. There is no other place I would rather be.  Has anyone else been through this? Have any advice? I know I'm not the one who needs the support, he and his family does, but I feel the need to ask for a little help.

Thanks.

Tags: boyfriend, parent, support

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on May 1, 2014 at 9:22pm

It sounds to me as though you are doing everything right. You are there for him, but you aren't pushing him. You are showing him how much you love him, but allowing him to deal with this his own way and in his own time. Not saying "I know how you feel" is good -- at least, I hate it when people say that to me, and most other people I've met (in real life or online) who have had a close loved one die have also mentioned that they hate it when people say that.

Make sure you do take care of yourself as well, and your family and pets (your friends will understand, I'm sure).

Permalink Reply by Swallowtail on May 5, 2014 at 7:15pm

Hi Nicole,

You seem to be a very good support to him.  I can't imagine losing my own father because we are very close and it would be devastating.  My best advice, aside from what you are already doing, is to be patient.  Major losses like this take time to work through.  Grief is a personal thing, and there is little you or anyone can do aside from just being there for him and showing your support.  There isn't much advice anyone can give to a person going through something like this.  In fact, advice to a grieving person can backfire, so just be mindful of that.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is just listen if he needs to talk.  Hopefully you will be able to find a place soon so that you can be under the same roof and not have the extra strain of all that driving.  Is he ready to move at a time like this?  The process of moving can be so stressful.  If you can muster up the funds, I would recommend hiring professional movers that literally come and pack everything into the boxes for him.  I know someone who did that with his last move and he said it made a world of difference.

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