On Friday I resigned from my current job, and will be starting a new job in two weeks.  I was offered the job in December and I took about 3 weeks to think about whether it will be good for me to start a new job so soon after my mom's death.  At my current job, which is the only job I have ever had and I have been at for 5 years now, I know all the people and they know me.  They were there for me when my gran, dad and mom passed away, and understood when I had a "bad" day and were very supportive and caring. 

Now that I am going to start working in a new place with new people, I feel very scared.  I will be out of my comfort zone.  Will the people be nice, will I fit in, will they be understanding when I have a bad day and end up crying because I miss my parents?  I will be interacting alot more with clients than I do at my current job, and because I am introverted this scares me.  It has been almost 4 months since my mom passed away and 13 months since my dad passed away.  I miss them every day and I wish they were here to talk to and tell me not to be scared.  At first I hesitated to take the new job because of my fears.  But something inside me said I must take the job, change will do me good.  But I still feel so scared.  I have cried many times when I think of the new challenges facing me.  I am not someone who is very social and self-confident, and I thought maybe this new job will make me more confident, and that is why I took it.  My dad was a very social person and I always wished I could also be like that.  I am sure he would have told me to take the job, had he still been alive, because it will force me to interact more with people.  Since my mom's death I feel very alone and I have realised that I will need people in my life to be able to cope.  I always wanted to do things on my own and never wanted to rely on other people or ask for help or seem needy and vulnerable, but I have come to realise this is not the way to live life.  "We are on this planet to help each other" - this is what my gran always used to say.

On Friday I got a letter from the university confirming that I graduated with my honours degree and the letter gave all the details of the graduation ceremony in June.  I don't want to go, I will not be able to be there knowing that my mom and dad are not in the audience when I go up onto the stage to get my certificate.  My friends say I must go because my parents will be there in spirit, but it is not the same. 

I have also decided to continue with my studies this year.  I am just so scared that I am over-doing things.  People have said I must take a break from studies this year but I feel I need to continue while I am still "in it" otherwise I might become lazy and not want to continue next year and then I will never finish my studies.  I don't want to have regrets later in life and look back and say "I gave up."  My mom was so proud of me and wanted me to succeed and if I don't do this I feel like I am disappointing her.

I just hope I can cope with everything I am taking on, and I understand grieving takes a long time.  I don't want to disappoint myself and my parents.  They sacrificed alot to get me where I am today.  Now I am left behind to continue on my own. 

Take care everyone! xxx