Its been 18 months since carol Ann passed.

18 months or so i guess.

She passed on 24th july 2013 at 4 .30am of anti-biotic resistant TB.

I watched her suffocate to death over 2 months. My grief and regrets seems endless.

Just when I think I’ve hit the very bottom of the grief pit another wave comes and its more profound and deeper.

How deep is this going to go?

I broke down over it and laid on the floor in a unfurnished apartment for 2 maybe 3 months with no one but god to talk to when the grief hit me at first.

All I could do was get to the shop and buy pizza and water so I did not die.

Eventually I discovered there is no god .I know there are gods. But a all-powerful loving and forgiving god ....its impossible.

I decided to come back to the site to try and share my feelings again.

My Gp and cousin suggested a "Grief councillor" .It seemed like a cruel joke to me.

Its like when people cannot handle your feelings they just direct you to a professional.

My story with Carol Ann ...our stories ...the mythology is sacred ground .No one will ever know our secret life.

Why should they .It will be burnt along with my body when I pass.

Im still devastated. Some days are ok, some are just dreadful  ,never good.

And me ? I feel death is stalking me down .I have become very run down by the emotions.

I try and eat well ,use vitamins and food supplements .Get some mild exercise .

Keep occupied with my work. I am an artist.

http://donkey6660.wix.com/inkgal8290

It is my hope that with my time left I can create some great art and leave something to this world that is positive and beautiful.

Funny it seems no matter how healthy you live if your emotions are running bad it wrecks everything.

I am so ill today all I can do is sit at the computer. I would rather be working on my current picture but it was not to be today.

I'm not really unhappy in the true sense of the word as one may imagine it.

I have now little pain .What I do have is a profound grief and I run our wonderful mythology through my mind over and over again.

Sometimes (im not psychotic as i know its not true) catch a taxi to the regional air port  to meet Carol Ann.For days leading up  to this I make up stories in my mind about how we have been separated for 18 months and imagine hundreds of heart felt emails working out our problems.

I count sleeps till she comes 5,4,3,2,1 and I rehearse in my mind what i am going to say to her when she gets off the little prop jet.

She has come all the way from California to visit.

I get scared I will squeeze her so hard she will break.

But the plain comes and goes and as i know she is not in the passengers.

I catch the taxi home and stare at the floor.

Im not nuts or anything .I know she is not coming but some times I wish I was nuts and actually believed it, just for a second or two.

However im not nuts .I know she is gone and will never be back.

I have so many regrets .I would give my entire life to spend just one hour with her and say . Carol I am so so sorry I hurt you the way I did.

Elizabeth