yes sue your comment helped and being objective over my commnets

Hi Sue,  Just wondering two things, first, if there are times when you on-line so we can chat.  I'd really like to get to know you and let you know how much I appreciate your reaching out to me.  Secondly, I am hoping you can tell me how I add friends like you added me as a friend.  

I was sitting here thinking of you and how hard tomorrow (today - its 1am here) is going to be.  If you need somebody to talk with just message me and  I will make time to be here for you.  God Bless.

Sue, I would love to chat sometime. My mother was my world,too. She just passed on the 29th of April and I miss her terribly. Not only was she my mother, but she was my best friend. I need to keep her memory and spirit alive. I feel every day I'm getting further away from her. I remember when she was diagnosed and even a few months ago, she would call me up and cry, "I don't want to leave my baby girl!!" I know in my heart of hearts, though that she has not left me. She's all around me. As is your mother.

Thanks Sue for your concerns towards me and for adding me as friend .... I am sorry for ur loss .... yes condition is getting worse  here ...today they killed 8 more people in morning .... Hazara is my communityy and our community is very peaceful but we are being targeted by some group on basis of ethnic n sect differences ....

thanks for the new friend!

Sue,

Thank you for directing me to a different understanding.  Your words have given me tremendous hope.  Things are just so new and raw,  I miss her, with all my heart, she was a beautiful soul.  Just not the same without her here, I can still her calling me, like she did when i was a kid, letting me know it was time to come home.  very sad.

Sue, I'm glad you responded back because I was afraid I may have offended you which was not my intention.  We are all here with one definite commonality and that is the unbearable loss of a loved one.  I won't lie.  I'm livid with God.  It's an issue I am dealing with every day so when someone suggests he's there for comfort and peace it ignites that anger.  You know it's so funny.  My mom must have said a million times that I need to learn how to be more forgiving.  In this situation this may be the biggest challenge I'll ever encounter when it comes to forgiveness.  It does not consume me.  It actually brings me peace believe it or not.   I can't explain that one but it gets me through my day when those very heavy waves of emotions will hit me. I feel no guilt nor do I feel I've sealed my eternal fate to rot in vile hell.  In fact for as strange as this sounds I think God is quite confused and embarrassed at what took place in our home and there may be some heavenly investigation going on to see if an angel or two he relied on droped the ball a few times because none of it adds up.  

The only thing I can say in regard to whats going on between a God and me at this point is that if he exists and he did create me and did know me before I was ever on this earth then he clearly understands my disgust.  I could go into a lot of detail with that but it's a very personal thing where it always comes down to feeling very let down by this God.  He and I i will figure it out or he'll move on to someone else, but I won't ever let him off the hook.  I want a sincere apology from him.

where do I think we go when we die?  It's strange but I'd never realized until you asked that but I think three things could happen.  For my moms sake. For how much hope and faith she had that she'd get a new healthy body and be in a perfect place with more love and joy then she could ever imagine I want to believe she is there with the type of God she had hope and faith in.  I just want to believe that for once she got every thing times a million that she ever wanted and deserved.  So I toy with that idea but it falls short of logic.     Then I think some times my mom could simply be in a world of perfection, love and peace without there being anything she has to worship because it's ego is insatiable and the only reason she'd be there would be to feed it's ego.  I'd like to believe that she see's me from that perfect world without that huge ego and reach's out to me from a distance and I'm so connected to her that many times I can feel or sense her.   I think this place has no perception of time so to her we've only been away from each other for a second.   And then there's the thought when we die we just simply shut down.  No thoughts, no pain.  It's just over. We're gone. 

Hi Sue.  Some times it's hard to understand a complete stranger that you cross paths with on line.  Your decision to give a God that does not personably verbalize to you the power to comfort you is interesting.  I sincerily hope it fills the void for you.  If there is a God I'd punch him in the face and tell him to shut it with any excuses he may try to come up with when it comes to not protecting my mother.  I wonder if God really does have a million excuses why he does or doesn't do something or if he's got the guts to admit he was so into his insatiable ego being satisfied he wasn't paying attention?  Either way God comes off acting as if he see's us as nothing more then toys to play with as he see's fit.  I'm not interested in that God and thats ok.

It's interesting you brought up my father.  Here's a good example of not quite knowing a stranger on line.  In my fathers situation I have to be real honest if there is a hell he may be one of the chosen elite members of it.  My father was an abusive, cheating, lying, deadbeat husband and father.  At the time of his death he owed my mother over 100,000 dollars in over due alimoney.  He owed the county close to 200,000 dollars in Child support.   He claimed repeated destitution while financially providing for 5 adopted children all of whom had cars, cloths, food, and a nice home to live in while growing up.   When I confronted my father as an adult and asked him why he treated us the way he did I would have sworn I was looking at the face of Satan himself.  He simply was a vile man.  The nonsense that came out of his mouth was sad.  I was grateful he never was a part of my life.  The court system considered my father to be one of the most heinous creatures they had delt with.  No he's not in heaven if there is one.  As I said my lifes journey is very unique.

My mother was a devote christian.  In fact she was leader in her church.  To her last breath she held out hope but she also admitted she just didn't understand.  She was a precious human being who just didn't deserve the hell handed to her daily but she never complained.  In the end the cancer was just way over the top.  She had long since surpassed the idea that ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH! 

I cannot forgive this God if he exists and I really am in that position where it's up to me to forgive God. Can you imagine that?  God asking my forgiveness?  His ego would never allow it and because of the enormous love I will always have for my mother I will never forgive him for all the years of cruelty.  Like my mom I'm human.  God couldn't take seeing people exchange money in the Temple and Jesus had a hissy fit so they say.  Can you imagine what he would have done with the life my mom was handed?  Phew this God we are told we need to embrace and never question has no concept of being diseased or going without or being powerless.  His whole thing is about being number one.  He couldn't last 30 minutes being relegated to the have not status.   

We are taught as children that God is love.  God is merciful and that God only hands us what we can handle.  However, we learn also that God is a vengeful God.  God is a jealous God.  So the question is.. Could God endure what he hands to certain ones?  This I highly doubt.  God has a tendency ( or at least those who seem to think they know what he feels ) to come off Narcissistic, egotistical, and quite abusive.  His love is conditional.  Worship him or rot in hell forever. 

God failed me.  He should be ashamed of himself and any excuse to allow a human being to suffer as much as she did for over 60 years would be so pathetic I'd feel embarrassed for him attempting that.    God failed my mother and I won't be applying any cop outs for him out of fear that I may see his wrath.  I'm not sure such a God who threatens with eternal gutwrenching death is exactly the definition of love and compassion but may in fact be the devil.  It is amazing how powerful this God is for some when they feel alone.  He never really speaks to a person. They speak on his behalf very similar to taking a head of lettuce and swearing that head of lettuce comforts them.

I don't need to forgive this God in order to be with my mom when my time comes.  She's mine.  I'm her's.  She'd claw her way to me when that time comes.  We will be together again some day in peace and joy.  I already know she's very proud of the man I am.  I don't think there is a single thing left to do in order to generate any more pride.  I in hindsight in think that quota has been filled.  I feel good about that. 

I'm glad you have found comfort.  I find my moments of comfort when I feel my moms loving pressence and I talk to her just for a bit.