Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Linda on January 3, 2012 at 1:02pm

I lost my mom dec 8th and I know exactly how you feel. I am the someway. Also it really annoys me that people are so happy, care free and goes on with their lives while mine has stood still and I am in so much pain from missing mom. Also people say just remember the good times and go on. How the hell do I do that they say everyone dies and it was just your mom. Its so pisses me off. No one understands mom was more than just a parent to me. My whole adult life has revolved around her, taking care of her.

Permalink Reply by Sandra Nichols on January 3, 2012 at 2:03pm

Thanks for replying so fast to me Linda. Yes, my mom was my best friend too, and was all of my life.. I"m trying  to have some understanding for others that haven't lost someone they love, and just know they mean well - they really do.  A really nice lady at work just touched my shoulder when I got back and smiled at me with no words - it was such a nice gesture - I'm going to remember to do something like that. when others lose the people they love. Maybe our short fuses will get better with time - it has only been a month for me and not even that for you. I do know that if anyone pressures me right now about anything, especially work or if someone whines to me about something that doesn't matter - I'll just have to walk away and cool off. yes, people have told me that everyone dies... blah blah ..and you have to go on .... but, again it is to try to make me feel better. Before we lost our mothers, we could have easily been some of those same people. This society does not know how to deal with death.  We are so cushioned from real life that people don't know how to act or what to say when it happens. Right now, I don't want to talk to anyone except for people that have also had some bad losses. 

Permalink Reply by mercy on January 4, 2012 at 4:47pm

Sandra I feel the same way. I feel envious of people who still have their parents too. My ex-boyfriend has never experienced loss of immediate family and when he talks about his family, I get so madt. I’ve lost three brothers and both parents, even though am not forty yet. Words of comfort rub me the wrong way. Every day; I’m putting on an act. I’m so tired doing this for seven months. I wish I could just open my heart to the world so they can all see my pain. I work with the public and I’m expected to be positive and helpful to everyone. It’s an effort to even take care of my daughter. On my days off I just want to sleep but I can’t with a two year old. When mom died, I was glad she was out of pain, that feeling quickly got replaced by anger at God, grief over all the pain she endured, emptiness and now I’m in full blown depression. I hate that life just goes on like nothing has changed, while in my world everything has changed and there’s no more joy.

Permalink Reply by Sandra Nichols on January 5, 2012 at 9:20am

Yesterday was really rough for me. I cried a lot last night. The pain felt unbearable. Even my sister does not understand since she didn't live with mom. I'm not going to expect to be understood by people that have not had huge personal losses and I will probably avoid people that have not had huge losses - as much as I can. At work yesterday I almost just quit /walked out because of one petty person who doesn't have her priorities in order. I would say don't open your heart to the world - we are too vulnerable. I read some more in my grief books and it said that it took about 2 years to feel consistently better - and usually 3 years to recover. I am going to hang in there and try to endure - the hardest part - but, things had better get better after 2 or 3 years - I refuse to go on like this past that.   I have no joy either. Having to go on when people I most love have died is very hard.

Permalink Reply by Laura Krause on January 6, 2012 at 7:17am

I know just how you feel Sandra. My Mom died 5 1/2 months ago. About 4 weeks after she died, my 11 year old son went to a friends birthday party. I went to pick him up and went inside to visit with the boy's mother, a friend of mine.  her mom was there helping with the party. Out of the blue I burst into tears and couldn't stop. I hurriedly got my son and got out of there. My mom had also helped me with birthday parties and it was just too much for me. it wasn't just sadness, I was jealous and angry. Why should she still have her mom and not me? 

I think coping with a loss like ours takes a lot more time than I ever could have imagined, I still cry at least a little, sometimes a lot, almost every day. I'm not sure it will ever improve, but maybe we will improve. Take care. And know you're not alone. Laura.

Permalink Reply by Sandra Nichols on January 6, 2012 at 7:58am

Thanks Laura and Mercy for replying. It does help me to know I am not alone and my feeling are not abnormal. I just hope we all feel better and maybe stop crying so much and feeling so bad, with time. I don't think 5 1/2 months is very long for a major grief. Things set me off like going into my mom's room and smelling her lotions and powder or looking at some of her books that she loved. Life is so hard and the other depressing thing I can't escape (along with the huge grief of missing my mom ) , is that we all will get old and helpless like that unless we die suddenly. Everyone does, and it is so very sad. I am continuing on but, it takes concentration to get up every day. I felt kind of bad (like i was becoming a bitter old person) until I"ve heard all of your comments about dealing with others that have not had major losses. I'm still going to try to stay away from people that have not had losses for now. Thanks Again!    

Permalink Reply by Sandra Nichols on January 10, 2012 at 1:46pm

Today I have to go and approve mom's  headstone and pay for it. Before mom passed, I thought my sister would be the strong one that did all of this but, it is me that does it. I cry so much more than my sister but, yet, I am the one that takes on the hard tasks. If I break down and start crying at the funeral home today, I refuse to be embarrassed. Sometimes I am afraid I won't have the courage to let mom go. I hang onto her things and she has 2 jars of homemade jam I may keep forever.  

Permalink Reply by Jenny G on February 2, 2012 at 11:12am

Your post is heaven sent. My mom died Sept. 3rd and for all of October I thought I was getting better. The holidays made things worse and I thought January was the start of a new month, new year, new me. Lately, I've been crying at inconvenient times ( I used to cry before going to bed, in the privacy of my own home). I've noticed people who haven't lost their mom just don't understand and I want them to just go away because they don't know what they're talking about. I am only at peace at work, because I work with children who I feel could never understand, so I'm not angry with them, or home alone with my cat. My husband has been wonderful, but he can't understand either.

Permalink Reply by Bob Naples on February 5, 2012 at 12:40pm

I feel the same way,not understood.People in general don'r know how to deal with this so they run away!I I feel angry about the very same things,and it's very painful.It's been 15 years since mom passed,and it still hurts at holiday time,but it does get better.At first I cried daily for the loss ,but now it's usually when I hear a song,ride by the place we would go to eat...but it's will get better!How do I cope with this stuff?

George Anderson,

this show will change your life,

And go to the site if Victor Zammitt,a retired lawyer from Australia.He has a free e-book,,And if you have an open mind,READ THIS RIGHT NOW!!! This is not based on religion,it's not based on Christianity,Catholicism,etc..it's.based on a 20 year period of studying the afterlife with with scientific method!!

Keep me posted,and God Bless!:)

Permalink Reply by Sandra Nichols on February 6, 2012 at 9:12am

Hi Bob, yes, i've started reading George Anderson's books and it shows a whole different outlook on death and life. I will keep reading. Also, I have been enjoying Victor Zammitt's website and his list of findings. So many things said on this website is exactly how I believe things should be. Will keep reading from this site, also. This whole grieving process is going to be a long, hard time for me. I have changed and am still changing.  

There are certain things I can't do that remind me too much of mom, Watching the period piece shows she loved like Pride and Prejudice are out, and some of her books I can't throw away, we both loved them and discussed them quite a bit   Stay in touch everyone - I'm still avoiding all people that have not had major losses!   

 

Permalink Reply by Bob Naples on February 6, 2012 at 12:44pm

Hi Sandra,I'm glad to hear that you have taken the time to read George Anderson's books .I read from it daily,and I'm glad to see that you are open to this.He also has a few video clips online,you may find them helpful.I don't know if you found the video clip,I also find this also to be true.i looked up the video.One last things you really need to see it.I find this VERY helpful,Once again,the story is "Warning,this show will change your life".But do remember,this is fairly new t o you,and Ii would be lying if I said that every day is a happy day!Like you,I have so many things of my mom,  AND my ex-wife as well.I know that sooner or later,I have to do it

Permalink Reply by Cindy Trepanier on February 7, 2012 at 3:09pm

HI Sandra

My mom died in May of last year.  I am the direct opposite, when I am at work or out in the world I am fine, it is when I have a day off and time to think that I feel as though I am losing it.  I have days that I feel as though I will never be fine again.  I try really hard to focus on positive things.  Some days it takes everything to just get out of bed.  I find that people who have not lost a parent just don't understand...they want me to be "normal" again.  I don't think I will ever know what "normal" is again.  When my dad passed away I was prepared because he had cancer and we knew we had limited time, but with my mom it was so sudden and unexpected that I still have problems coping with her death.  I miss both my parents very much and all I can tell you is that it doesn't get easier, just different.  Try to focus on the good memories and find something that brings you joy, that is what I try to do.

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