Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Melissa Broome on November 19, 2011 at 3:31am

I'm so very sorry, Keep in mind its only been 4 months..you need time. The pain is never going to go away and you will never stop missing your mom, but it will get less. you'll be able to at least hide it better. I cry in the shower and after everyone's asleep. It's good to get your feelings out. I'm sorry you feel like you missed out on your daughters wedding..But you were there. I think you did the best you could in light of the situation. Don't be so hard on yourself. Big hugs!

Melissa

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on November 19, 2011 at 7:45am

Its been almost 2 year since my mother passed away. I am 33 years old and my daughter was 5 when we lost her, my son was almost 2 and I too cried over the injustice. So far, almost 2 years later that feeling or sadness has not gone away. A month after I lost her, I got pregnant out of the blue and had another daughter, who just turned 1 yesterday. She missed it all....her being born, her birthday and even my five year old daughter is now saying she can barely even remember Nanny. My mom was only 54 years old and was super healthy until out of the blue she got lung cancer and she never smoked a cigarette a day in her life! I've already thought of how I will be sad on my daughter's wedding day for  the same reason because my mom and I would always talk about how we would plan it together and when she got sick we said she was going to get better and that she would be at my daughter's wedding one day. I think in her memory, I will just try to talk my daughter into having blue hydrangeas for  her flower. That was my mom's favorite flower so it would be a way of feeling like she was there somehow. Maybe at the next wedding (if you have another daughter) you could do something like that? And if your daughter really knew and remembers your mom, count that as a huge blessing. My children will only ever know my mom through stories I tell them. It makes me sad they won't have their own awesome memories because my mom loved being a grandmother and cried and cried about not wanting to die because of her wanting to be here for all of us. It is very hard,I know and I am sure your daughter understands. My 5 year old sees me cry all the time and says "oh, no daddy, she is crying about Nanny again". Its normal and part of the cycle and I am almost 2 years out! My mom was my best friend so I don't think it will ever go away but hopefully I can learn to cope better. I hope the same for you. I absolutely hate the holidays and this time of the year because of the grief so you have extra prayers being sent up for you from me! Hang in there. Email me if you need to....kirstinerushing@hotmail.com

Permalink Reply by Laura Krause on November 20, 2011 at 4:14am

Thanks Kristine, My mom was also my best friend. We sold stuff on Ebay, so we spent a lot of time together. we lived close and I saw her about 5 times a week and talked on the phone almost every day. We did all sorts of things together, went to auctions, rummage sales, yard sales and thrift stores. Cooking, Gardening, crafts. She loved hostas and had hundredes of different varieties. She also had several flower beds. One large one was Poppys and she took Andreas picture in front of the Poppys every year from age 1 to 22. Thats when Andrea moved to Chicago to get her Doctorate. So at the wedding We had a picture of Mom and a nice bouquet of poppys. Kind of funny we had similar ideas.  I have 4 kids and all of them were very close to Grandma. About a month after mom died my 2 daughters and I got memorial tattoos. Andrea got a Poppy, I got a hosta and Teddi got a Day Lily, another of Moms favorites. I know the holidays will be hard, we spent every thanksgiving and Christmas at moms house. I thank God for all the good memories we have, but that doesnt make the heartache go away. I really appreciated your response. It helps to know others feel this way. My brother and my children have gotten on with their lives, but I just cant seem to. And they dont seem to understand why. Without Mom, my life wont be the same. Thanks again. Let me know how things are going for you. Take care. Laura

 

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on November 20, 2011 at 8:56pm

You hang in there and know that you are not alone. I am right there with ya..everyone else (even my sister) has seemed to be able to move on with their life, but not me. I can't let go, I can't come to  grips with the finality and I am an emotional wreck most of the time. My husband just made a comment the other day to me about how the pain probably won't ever go away for me because 2 years later I am just as sad. He loved my mom too and so totally understands where I am coming from, he just feels sorry for me because he knows how close she and I were. I still jump for the phone everytime something good or bad happens and then my brain catches up with my instinct and I realize she is no longer here. The holidays totally suck without her too because all our traditions seemed to have died with her. My brother has made it his priority to spend the holidays with his wife's family since we lost our mom, my Dad (they were divorced) is going to Brazil to be with his girlfriend for Christmas so that leaves just my sister and I. I have some  gried cd's and they say that when you go through a loss like this you need to make a list of the inventory that was lost along with that person. The magic and fun of the holidays is definitely on that list for me. Christmas is just an expensive sad bill for me these days. I wish I could get past it, but I just  can't seem to find that joy again that I had when she was alive. I knew no matter what happened I always had her in my corner and its that comfort of having a parent to count on that I miss as well as the best friend that I talked to 10 times a day about every and anything. The only thing I can think of as the holidays approach is my mom crying her eyes out about being sick and wanting to live so she could be a grandmother...she would say...just give me 20 more years God and then I will go. I love GOD with all my heart as she did, but he has a lot of explaining to do when I come face to  face with him one day about the decision to take her from me this early in life.Everyone else my age still has their mom and its just so hard. I can't even go to church on Mother's Day because I can't handle the empty spot beside me. See what I mean.....2 years later and I am still in this crappy place. I don't know if it would help you, but something that has helped me was I created a blog in memory of my mom...it has photos and pics of both of us and I can comment and stuff. So now everytime I am having a really hard time....I go to the blog and talk to her through it. Of course, there is no answer back...but just getting my feelings off my chest about how much I miss her and telling her is helpful. Hang in there.  I am always here. You are not going crazy. You just had an awesome mom like I did and it takes a long time to come to grips with it and be ok again! I just pray I learn to cope better and focus on the blessings I do have like my children instead of always dwelling on the loss, but I selfishly want both...my mom and kids both here with me!

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on November 20, 2011 at 8:57pm

meat to type GRIEF cd's not gried

Permalink Reply by Laura Krause on November 22, 2011 at 1:02am

Kirstine

I totally know what you mean about picking up the phone to call mom. I bet I do that at least 4 times a week. once, a few weeks after mom died, there was a bad storm coming our way very quickly and I grabbed my cell to let her know. Or when Dylan got his report card, or his JFL team finally won a game, or when he broke his foot. Or after I went to the catholic church rummage sale and got a lot of really great stuff. Yeah I know about that.

Every year we had our Thanksgiving and Christmas at mom's house.So I'm not looking forward to the Holidays at all. My close friend Brigid invited us over to their house for Thanksgiving, and I think that will be ok. My daughter, Teddi, and  I are going to make all of mom's specialties. Corn pudding, Pumpkin Pie Squares, raised yeast rolls and grahm cracker custard desert. I dont even want to think about Christmas.

I also understand how you feel about your friends. My closest friends all still have their moms and its just not fair. At the time of mom's death, one friend hadnt spoken to her mom in over a year. Some petty trivial arguement. I told her that if my mom and I had been upset with each other, or not speaking or arguing when she died, I wouldnt have been able to live with myself. The guilt would have been too much. I told her to get over to her mom's as soon as she got into town and thank God that she still has her mom. She did, I was glad. We've known each other since 1st grade. My mom was her second mom and her mom was my second mom while we were growing up. My son went to a friend's birthday party 3 weeks after mom died. I'm friends with this boy's mom and she told I could stay if I wanted to.  Her mom was there helping with the birthday party just like my mom did with me. I just burst into tears, I couldn't help it. I was embarassed and felt bad cuz I didnt want to say"Im jealous because you still have your mom", I just got out of there as quickly as I could. But she was really sweet and undrstood

Im thinkin bout doin the blog if I can come up with some pictures. Mom didnt like havin her picture taken, but we have a few, thank goodness. I guess I've run on long enough, but it kinda helps, sharin things. I would like to join a grief counseling group, but there arent any in our area.

Thats why this site is so great. Thanks for listening. Take care and Happy Thanksgiving. Laura

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on November 24, 2011 at 8:06pm

Hey! Just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you today and hope you had a decent  day despite the circumstances. At least you now know you are not alone. It sucks but talking to someone else who is going through the same thing does help. I thought about joining a grief group for a while, but I think sitting around listening to people be sad all the time might make me ever sadder than I am, if  that's possible?!? Like you, I made all of my mom's specialities today and just exhausted myself in the kitchen trying to stay busy. I cried of course as soon as everyone sat down to eat. Its just not the same without her and as soon as I started crying, my 7 year old (she's my oldest) says "oh geez guys, she is crying about Nanny again". I just can't help it. Christmas is way harder...and I just suck at it all around. I think I hate Mother's Day about the same too. I can't go because I would get jealous of everyone around me and can't handle the empty chair next to me. I haven't even attempted to go since I lost my mom...that is just a no church day for me. I hope God understands, but I normally watch church on T.V. that day. People say I should enjoy the day because I am a mom, but the best way for me to enjoy that day is to pretend its not Mother's Day at all. As I said before, this is the grief we suffer from having such AWESOME mom's! It won't be something I ever get over, but hopefully I can get a handle on my grief and stop being such a basketcase. Anyways enough about me, just wanted to let you know I said a prayer about your day today...those pumpkin squares sound yummy :)

Permalink Reply by Laura Krause on December 18, 2011 at 6:00am

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. I havnt been on since right before Thanksgiving. Ive been working like crazy at my moms house. cleaning and cleaning and cleaning. My mom kept everything. And she collected lots of different things. I've been selling most of the vintage Barbie collection on Ebay and I was really going hard at it for the past month. But now I'm taking some time off and going to try and enjoy the holidays. Although today, while at my moms house I just burst into tears and cried and cried. I miss her so much. I cant imagine the holidays without her. Thanks for writin me again. It was nice to finally get back on and have a message waitin for me. Hope your getin along ok with the holidays. Keep in touch. Laura