Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by cindy parrott on September 27, 2011 at 9:30am

Grace I don't think I've ever had a better discription as to how I feel then the TG turkey. I guess I do look ok to people on the outside, I go to work everyday, I'm a cashier and smile and make small talk. Inside there is just a emptiness. My son died while surfing. His body was never recovered. I have nothing of him except a mu memories. The afternoon he died I almost called him and decided not to. I'm not sure I would have even gotten a hold of him.He lived in Hawaii and his phone coverage wasn't very good. I only talked to him once or twice a month. A few days before I lost him I had quite few messages that he had left that I had saved. I always returned his call, anyway i erased them. Don't know why. It is one of the things I'm angry at myself about. I don't even have any his messages most of them ended with love you. 

I know he questioned the exsitance of God. I think he believed in some kind of a supreme being of some time. He read a lot of books about different religions, Hindu, Buddisium.  I think he believed in re incarnation. He also believed a spirit world and spirits being able to communicate with the living.

I don't know what I believe anymore. I've read the Bible passages listed above and they gave me little comfort. I just really don't care anymore. There is a county song that says "My give a damns busted" and that about sums up my life. 

 

Permalink Reply by Grace on September 27, 2011 at 9:40am

I understand  Cindy... I am still at that point that if I died tomorrow... that would be ok... my 2 remaining kids are adults... 19 and 22  they are so much more smarter than I am.. and seem to have no need for my opinions or advice... My husband and I are on the Edge... since this has caused me to re evaluate my life and if I should just tolerate bull crap that I tolerated before.... or is what ever life I have left more valuable now.  No... it is not menopause... Maybe I just have had the light bulb turn on and say hey wait a minute here. I don't think I am crazy. Maybe I have good reason to be angry...  

OK GOD... If you are there... I have to say I need to say I have a lot of Doubt.... If you really are there... It is time to SHOW Me

 

Permalink Reply by Patti Meadows on September 27, 2011 at 9:44am

That is a great place to be Grace...one thing that I did that helped when I thought I had lost faith, was to ask God to turn my heart of stone into a heart of flesh again, so I could receive...it worked for me....praying for you, and I just know I will hear a praise report....love, Patti (Matt's Mom)

Permalink Reply by Ammy on September 27, 2011 at 11:20am

My mind is in a bad place today.  No, not just my mind, but my whole being.  But I am thinking of you all and desiring a better day for us all.

Patti, have you ever felt as though going through this has made you a more compassionate person?  Today I was sent this verse and keep going back to read it thinking I didn't need this to be compassionate, and really?, where is my comfort?

"Blessed be the God & Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies & God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble" (2 Cor. 1:3,4).

Permalink Reply by Patti Meadows on September 27, 2011 at 11:35am

Much to my appreciation  and dismay), Ammy yes I know now I have more compassion...But that is not why it happened..It is an example of God taking something bad and allowing us to decide if we will turn in into a blessing for others.  You know when Matt left, I thought "God did not love me as much as I though HE did or HE would not have done this to me"....But then later I had this thought:  I think we will all agree that The Lord Loved Mary the Mother of Jesus...HE chose her above all....and yet she had to watch her son suffer and die....I don't really know what I am trying to say about that, but it is something to think about...sometimes being chosen is painful I guess...as in Mary's case.....All I ever wanted was to Have a loving husband and children and be a Mom....But we are never promised everything to be "cozy"...Jesus certainly didn't have it that way.  But I can

say without a doubt just because Matt's days were determined by God to be only 26 years on this earth, I still HAVE BEEN BLESSED WONDERFULLY BY GOD.  I have two sons here with me, Philip 37 and his wife (just like a daughter) Scarlett 35,  and My son Joe 32, and his wife Tara 31 (again, just like a daughter)...and a loving

husband of 40 years.....I can after a long, long, journey say Thank You Jesus for my blessings, and thank You for entrusting Matt with us for 26 years.  Love and blessings, Patti (Matt's Mom)

Permalink Reply by Ammy on September 27, 2011 at 11:56am

I know what you are saying.  Many times I have thought of Mary and how she must have felt, and I also think that my suffering is nothing compared to what Jesus went through, but some days when the tears just won't stop and the hurt is constant I guess I just don't or can't understand.  I know I feel more compassion now for others, but I also feel empty and alone.  I also have two wonderful daughters and the best husband (44 yrs), but I guess I'm sometimes self centered and selfish even though I am still thankful for all I have been given.  It's like I have two sides to me.  The good and the bad.  It's just so confusing some days.  Guess it's just one of my days where I feel like a ball bouncing off the walls.  Thanks for being here.  God bless, Ann

Permalink Reply by Grace on September 27, 2011 at 12:02pm

Remember Patti I told you about My Hubby and me singing in church.... one song that has captured my heart speaks to your post above... Mary Did You Know?"

My son having Autism and all the challenges that he had was still a blessing... and he was a total organ donor and saved many lives... his eye corneas gave sight to the blind ... his bone helped restore knees. neck injuries, Hips.. ect.  His heart , Kidneys and Pancreas and liver also saved life  .....

The Song really emotionally struck me...

Mary Did You Know.... that Your Baby Boy would Give Sight to a Blind Man....

The Lame Will Leap... the Dead will live again... just some words..... to accentuate the wave of emotion I have now get when I sing this song..... 

Because my Son in spite of what DIS ABILITIES he had in Life... reveals how purposeful his life really was. (When Some Might consider a Mentally Challenged/ Behavioral/ Autistic Child) to not be so significant....  YET even in his death.. he brought people Life in the brink of almost certain death... Blind will see and the Lame will Leap.

I guess this song speaks to me as a Mother.... (Like Mary)  We have no Idea that our children are so magnificent!  Imagine if she would have only known....

But with that said... She still wept for Jesus as we all still ache for our children... no matter what the Plan has been...

Permalink Reply by Patti Meadows on September 27, 2011 at 3:58pm

Oh Grace, that is sooooo awesome...I have confirmation now that God is working in your life....You will be used mightily, just give it time....Our first priority is to heal, becaus we cannot help much until we are healed.  That being  said, reaching out to others in our grief helps us heal also.  You are such a precious person......Glad I am getting to know you...Love, Patti (Matt's Mom)

Permalink Reply by Grace on September 30, 2011 at 9:11am

Today I learned of a former Church friend losing her son to a siezure.... Same way my son died in 2009.... My heart breaks for her and her family.... I know I taught this boy in my LOGOS classes and his brother too... I am so sad for this family who needs my prayers yet... I am trying to muster the faith to send them...  I just know that they have joined this group of the grieving parents as we all have....  It is raining for days... reflecting my mood for sure.    In an instant... all of our lives can change....

Permalink Reply by Adrianne Edgerly on October 14, 2011 at 11:11pm

I am new to this site.  I have been reading and haven't posted much.  It is very difficult to write what I am feeling.  Because if I do, then I have to deal with the realization.  I'm not in denial.  I'm very much aware my son is gone.  I can barely breathe let alone talk about it and writing is difficult because it's hard to see through my tears.  Faith? I'm struggling. I was raised Catholic.  Took some time off because it didn't feel "right" but I have always thought of myself as a Christian.  I only know a few things to be true.  Birth, Death and Love.  My mind wants to wrap around the word of God in so far as he gave us his son so we could have eternal life.  Because I want to believe my son is safe and cared for.  I feel like my son is "missing".  I don't know where he is.  I talked to him every day and more than a few times a day.  I talk to him but he doesn't answer now. I think this not knowing not having the comfort of knowing is the most horrific experience I have ever had to endure.  I am looking for signs that God may choose to give me.  There aren't any.  Maybe my grief is so horrible he can't come to me.  Maybe my grief is so horrible my son can't come to me.  I just know one thing for sure.  If Heaven exists we have something to live for, because hell is right here on earth so our loved one's can't be going there.

Permalink Reply by Kar on November 8, 2011 at 2:24pm

Well said Adrianne- 

 

Permalink Reply by Ann Edmondson on December 28, 2011 at 11:43pm

God does not promise us a life in a rose garden. He does tell us that he will never leave us or forsake us. In our finite minds we cannot understand why God does the things He does. When my son was killed I prayed and begged God for it not to be so. A friend gave me the scripture from Romans 8:38-39. That no matter what happens in life (paraphrased) nothing can separate us from God's Love. He is there waiting for us. He understands all to well the grief we are feeling (remember His only Son was crucified for us) and the pain we are going through. We never know when we are going come across someone who is in our shoes and needs our shoulder to cry on. It has been five years since I lost CC (his nick name), I still question why sometimes. Then about that time God will put another person in my path where they are going through the same issues as me and they are feeling guilty because they are questioning God's power. (Been there and done that one too!!) 

Something else to think about as well is the mother of Cain and Able. Cain murdered his own brother. He then was sent into exile by God (see Genesis 4). God knows our pain but because we have sinned from the beginning we are born to work the ground and bear the pains of bearing children (see Genesis 2:16-19). Until God returns and peace is actually on earth we must believe that all things work out for those who believe in Him. You are allowed your doubts and anger. I am sure every mother and father out there questions why they must bury their child. Just remember God loves you and is waiting for you to open the door again for Him to come in and hold you in His arms and tell you that everything will be alright! Just as we used to comfort our children when they were in pain when they would lose a favorite toy or pet. If we know how to comfort our own children in their pain -- how much more God will comfort us in ours. Trust me He will ease the pain so that it is bearable and you might just be that angel someone needs in their time of hurt!

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