Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by donna on April 23, 2011 at 11:00am

Sam--- It is a horrible situation and I can certainly understand your grief. You can still love someone even if you can not live with them. It sounds like you are blaming yourself for alot of his problems but you shouldn"t. It seems as though your ex-inlaws have made you feel guilty. They probably only heard his side of the story when it came to your life with him.  Did they ever attempt to spend time with your son. even though their son  didn't?  They should have, as grandparents. Your son still needed a connection even if his father lost track.  They should not make you feel bad.  You and your son still need to grieve. I hope the two of you can help each other through this hard time.

Permalink Reply by Sam on April 23, 2011 at 6:47pm

Yes, i blame myself for the way i reacted. I have some mental issues and there are things i did that i dearly wish i could take back. I look at  pics of us, so happy for so long. The in laws never said much to me, didnt hear from them or see them til ricks death. And you are right, all that time, even though we were very close to his one sister, no one contacted our son. After the memorial service they all made promises about keeping in touch and they never did except about matters like ricks car etc. His grandparents are both dead now but there are several aunts and uncles we saw at memorial service.  The other really sad part is that rick tried to contact zac (his son) after his 18th birthday, probalby felt safe then so i wouldnt come after him for support. Anyhow contacted him a couple times on facebook , last time in january ,zac did not reply..then he died in may. I have another son who rick raised for 5 years and he was very upset too, lots of regrets that he did not get in touch. Zac does not talk about it at all. Sometimes i bring it up, rarely though, usually i just grieve alone, daily really. We went camping last august and we were going to distribute ricks ashes but zac couldnt let them go, so they are in a box he made on his dresser. I just cant let go of the grief and the past.

Permalink Reply by Ruth on June 29, 2011 at 2:59pm

Sam,  I know some of how you feel about losing your alcohol addicted loved one to murder.  Though we all loved each other very much, for very many years, alcoholism/ co-alcoholism complicated those relationships.  My father had finally gain perspective and wasn't self- medicating with alcohol as much.  He had repaired relationships, respected boundaries with those who couldn't find it in themselves to reconcile with him.  I have so much grief because he felt shame about his drinking and didn't want to risk censure for when he binged, even though we'd given that up years ago.  He just couldn't accept he was truly forgiven for some of his choices decades before.  So he stayed in that apartment, with that vampire overhead. Rationally we know we are not responsible for what happened, but we wish we had been more insistent more often, maybe he would have listened that time and we wouldn't be members of this club with the costliest membership in the world.

Permalink Reply by Kandi Broussard on June 29, 2011 at 4:04pm

August will be year since my mom was murdered and it still hurts like it just happenede so I understand that part.  As far as feeling ALONE, that is one of the worst parts of my daily coping.  I feel all alone, too.  I am very sorry that you feel that way because I know how awful it is

 

Permalink Reply by Sam on July 3, 2011 at 9:02am

One thing i found that oddly helped a lot was going up for the sentencing for one of the murderers and the preliminary trial for the other. It was very very difficult on me and my sons because all the details were read out. The sentencing was good because he pleaded guilty but looking at him and having it described what he did was more than anyone can imagine. It was horribly brutal and it made us all have issues with humankind that someone is capable of that. The woman who was his lover is pleading innocent and she may well get off. She used to be a friend of mine so it was even more emotional for me. To know at the very very least she stood by and watched someone do that to him is unbelievable. But, my sons and I all felt some sense of closure by hearing all this. My son did get to read a victim impact statement at the sentencing. It was extremely heart wrenching and of course he broke down. It did seem to get through to the b...d but who knows.

 

Yes, I have struggled to realize that I am not to blame for the alcoholism or the tragic end. I did what I thought was the best thing to do and often I guess things are for a reason as bizarre as that sounds.

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on July 3, 2011 at 11:23am

Sam..how are you doing?

Permalink Reply by Sam on July 3, 2011 at 1:27pm

i'm okay, mostly pretty good but I think there will be waves of grief as long as I live. The images of what I heard in court are forever implanted in my brain. The only thing that gets me through is knowing that his life was a very tough one, he was obviously not very happy and now I have to believe he is in a better place. He also will never have to suffer the long agonizing journey into death that many must endure.