Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on May 26, 2011 at 9:55pm

Greetings Celena, once again,  I am so sorry to hear about another parent's loss. I too have lost my baby, my 21yr old son. Even while I am typing these words, I still can't believe what has happened. This has been a NEVER ending nightmare!  My son was riding his friend's motorcycle, his life was snatched away from him after fighting a week in ICU-intensive care unit. He sustained a massive brain injury. My sadness and my anger, especially my anger, has only intensified since my son passed away. Nothing has gotten "easier" as time goes by. My son passed away about 19 months ago, I try not to even count. Some days I feel like I died with my son. Some people don't understand that just because I have other children, they do NOT fill the void of losing one, no child can simply REPLACE another. I try to keep myself out of the "nut house" and I haven't committed suicide because of them but if I didn't have them, one of those things would have probably happened already. No parent would ever sign up for this crap!  Parents are not suppose to bury their child, period!  None of this will ever be "OK" with me. I am really sorry that I don't have any comforting or encouraging words but one thing I can tell is that this site is of tremendous importance to me because this is a place where others truly DO understand......unfortunately.  This is a place where our feelings and thoughts can be validated. The best support does come from people that have walked in our shoes. Someone will always be willing to listen. No one can tell you how to or how long you should grieve over your lost. Once again, I am so sorry that you have joined this "club".

Permalink Reply by Rebecca Hill Loflin on June 25, 2011 at 9:14pm

I lost my beautiful son Marty in the hospital after what the dr told us was a routine aortic valve replacement.  He never really woke up following the surgery.  He stayed in a coma for fourteen days.  I spent everyday by his bedside.  The hospital staff was very uncompassionate.  One nurse told me that I would never have peace with the way Marty died.  She told the truth, I will not.  Marty was 34 and has two beautiful little girls.  My life has been turned upside down. Somedays I can hardly walk from the grief.  I feel like I am living a nightmare, but it's not about me, its about my son and the life he is not getting to enjoy.  I wish a million times a day he had not walked into that hospital. We have so many question we have tried to get answers for but have been unable.  The dr made Marty think he was the only physician that could do this surgery.  After the surgery when we would ask what happened he would just say he was in unchartered waters.  My life is unbearable and will be the rest of my life.  I just go thru the motions to get through each day.

Permalink Reply by Donna Gauthier on June 27, 2011 at 8:03pm

 Hello everyone,

 So far I think it will be good to check this area and that area. Finding things that feel right. a simple word to someone. Or tell them something from my life that might help. Anyway I hope it helps someone out there. People need people I have found. In the darkest times in my life I have found support groups have help me so much they have kept me from what I felt was loseing my mind. Now for my story.

  It all started Feb 12 2001 When my son Adam was biten by a Brown Reclose Spider. We went to the emergency room that night they started IV antibiotics we went to the hospital everyday for a week for more antibotics. Then they sent him to a county hospital where they almost lost his arm. He got sicker and sicker as time went on. But the doctors still would not look into him getting bit by the spider. They just would say it was not possible. But how can you look back  and be able to look back and see when someone became ill. My son was healthy before that day. And sick everyday after. About a year ago they found his liver troble and gave him medication for it. But then it was diabetes, Last Sept he had to go on life support because his lungs were filling with blood. And they had to keep giving him transfusions because his blood just kept vanishing and they couldn't figure out where it went. When he was taken off the ventalator. His kidneys were gone. And he had to go on dialysis. The time from Sept untill now. He kept needing transfusions. And shortly after Christmas he developed a lung problems. Then conjestive heart failure. The week before he died he was given 3 pints of blood. That was thursday and friday.

  On saterday night we watched tv. About 2:00 am he decied he would go get cigaretts from the Schell station up the street. I think I fell asleep before he did. But he was not complaining about anything spiecal nothing at all. He just layed down and smoked his smokes before he went to sleep. For some reason I did not wake up until late. it was almost lunch time before I woke up. I walked passed his room on the wat to the bathroom. It just looked like he was sleeping peacefully. So I figuered he needed some rest since he had needed blood.So I didn't bother him. As time went on I kept checking on him.I notticed he hadn't moved. But I think I just kept putting it to the back of my mind dismissing it. Finally I decided to see if he wanted anything to eat. Again I noticed he hadn't moved. I slowly walked in the room. Which was hard because I have a walker around the house and a wheelchair when away from home. So I slowle went over to him. And felt his arm It was cold. I shook it and noticed it was kind of stif. And he didn't appear to be breathing. So I remember screaming his name and shaking him and yelling his name again. Then I called 911. nd the guy kept saying to do CPR. And I kept getting through his head that Adam was stiff and his jaws were locked. It seemed forever but finally theambulence came and the fire department also was hear. And one of them got through his thick head that Adam was dead. I went into my room it was by Adam's room and the bathroom. That way Icould call my family but still be where the fire dept could get to me. I think it was then I have dropped into kind of a dazy. I feel like my life is cold and empty. Everyone was t6rying to plan my life for me. Should I go back to the rehab hospital or the Adult care  facility. Or maybe for now maybe I should go home with my daughter. I kept telling them I would stay in my little house that I am in. I got sick shortly after we made all the plans I got sick and I ave been sick ever since.Instead of a funeral. We had a huge BBQ to celebrate his life and invited everyone we thought he knew and also put it in the paper. There were asbout 100 people there. I have him on my dresser for now. Until the snow melts on the mountin around Aug. but now I have a new problem. I almost don't want to scatter his ashes. It is where we scattered his grandma and grandpa and couin Jerilynn so people there waiting for him. So maybe I will just steel some from the box. Well that's my story for now I am still sick and I can't seem toeat and I am learning how to be alone. But I think I am ok for now.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on June 28, 2011 at 9:40am

Oh Donna, what a traumatic experience, this is too much for any of us to bare. I am sooooooooo sorry. I hope that you are able to get the physical and medical help that you need.

Permalink Reply by Lisa Adams on June 28, 2011 at 1:47pm

I lost my sweet daughter Roxanne (that's her in the picture) on May 24, 2011.  Last summer she was a wonderfully healthy teenager then suddenly her leg began to swell. She was diagnosed with May-Thurner Syndrome, a congenital vascular defect. On August 22nd, she went in for what was supposed to be a "simple-solve" one day surgery.  Her life was never the same. She awoke in the recovery room in horrible pain and unable to void her bladder. Over the next 9 months (almost to the day!) she endured countless hospital stays, surgeries, tests, therapies...you name it. Her digestive tract bacame paralyzed and she had to be fed either through a feeding tube or intraveinously.  Countless doctors and specialists could not find an explanation as to why this was happening.  Finally in April 2011 she was beginning to respond to treatment and it looked like we might be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. She was going out with her friends, going to church even to the prom!  Her constant nausea and vomiting however, required her to have a PICC line to receive fluids and meds.  Early in the morning May 23rd she woke up with a fever and chills. I rushed her to the hospital where she was diagnosed with septic shock from an infection in the PICC line. By 7:15 the next morning she was gone. 

Roxanne was such a wonderful young person. She was always doing things for others! For her 17th birthday on April 1st she hosted a community blood drive! 58 units of blood were collected, the most ever for a single event in our area! We plan to celebrate her birthday every year by continuing the blood drive!

It's difficult for me to understand why, as I'm sure it is for everyone here. But why, when she was FINALLY getting better? It's so hard to take. And it happened so fast. They had to put her to sleep to intubate her because she needed help breathing. I never thought that she was never going to wake up!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on June 29, 2011 at 10:56pm

Sorry Lisa. So sorry. She had her whole life ahead of her. I hope the medical team maintained proper aseptic technique to reduce her chances of getting an infection......sounds like they didn't. That may be too hard to prove. It's so easy to get an infection in the hospital without proper precautions. That's a wonderful way to honor her life by continuing the blood drives. I understand your pain all too well.

Permalink Reply by Donna Gauthier on July 6, 2011 at 12:34am

  I miss my Adam so much. I feel so empty and alone.I am one of those people who can't cry even though sometimes I feel like a good cry might be what I need. To get some of these feelings out. But maybe I wouldn't be able to stop if I started.

Adam and I are mothter and son. But we both were very ill.And we had to count on each other. Because no one else had much time for us. So we had to help each with the doctors, shopping and the pharmacy. We were each others rock.

Latly I have the feeling that he is just at dialyasis or laying in his bedroom watching TV. And I could just go in and talk to  him or ask him a question. Only to get depressed remembering that he is gone I feel so alone. Most the time I have no one around. My family is busy so they don't come by much. And they call once in awhile. Other than that all I have a aid that comes 4 days a week 4 hours a day. And she has to do her work done while. When I stopped being able to do things and go out I lost all my friends. They don't even call on the phone. So before I had Adam so He helpped fill that void. I just wish he were here to fill this lonly space'

Donna                

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 6, 2011 at 10:22pm

So sorry Donna for your sadness, if it helps only a little, know that you have support here. Just keep writing.....so sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Bobbi Durbin on July 8, 2011 at 4:40pm

It's been a month since my son died.  Most of it a blur, some of it extremely vivid.  I know it's true, that he did die, but I don't believe it.  It just can't be true.  I wonder if he'll call when I know he won't.  I'm just lost in this weird space between real and unreal. 

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 8, 2011 at 10:32pm

Greetings Dear Bobbi, so sorry for your loss. I truly understand what you are feeling and going through, my 21 yr old son passed away 18 or 19 months ago, I have said repeatedly on this site, that I try not to count the time because it just makes me more angry. He was riding his friend's motorcycle when he was chased and rammed into an oncoming car, he passed away one week later after I was told that he was brain dead.  I can not accept what has happened and nor do I think I ever will. My anger and my sadness only increases with each passing day.  I can NOT say that my son.....the dreaded "D" word, that sounds so final, I still can't fathom that he passed away or 'crossed over'......which sounds a little less harsh to me.  I can not speak of my son in the "past tense", he is my son and will always be my son. I am still pissed off that the world is going on without my son, doesn't everyone know that Karen's son was robbed of his life!!!!!!! That's how I feel sometimes but sadly, I realize that I am not the only one experiencing this. This life can be so cruel.  My life will never be the same, I can NOT think of one reason why this tragedy is "OK", it will NEVER be "OK" for me. I still talk to my son everyday. I still am always searching for him, whether it's when I'm driving my car or when I'm at a store........pretty much whenever I'm out in public. I leave him text messages. Till this day, I check for him in the backyard and throughout the house.  I keep hoping that this is all a big mistake and he may be lost somewhere, anywhere. This makes you crazy, it doesn't matter how old your child is when you lose them,  they are supposed to bury us. Sorry that I still don't have any comforting or encouraging words for you, my pain is always there and my heart is broken, I just want my son back and even more, I want it to be that none of this ever happened.      Thanks for listening, everyone.

Permalink Reply by Rebecca Hill Loflin on July 9, 2011 at 6:34am

Dear Karen R.  You said just exactly what I say everyday!  I lost Marty 18 months ago and I am also angry and hurt.  My heart and life are broken.  He was always so happy, cared so much for others, and loved life. He lost his life in a hospital after surgery.  He was only 34.  You have my heartfelt sympathy. Your son had so much living to do and a parent should never ever have to say that final good bye. I know words are so empty. I also get angry watching people going on with their lives as if nothing has happened to Marty. I just go through the motions of living each day.  I never sleep and my nights are horrible.  I relive all those 14 days in that hospital over and over again.  My life is upside down. I go to Compassionate Friends.  It's an organization that offers comfort to parents who have lost children at any age. This has been helpful to me sitting with people that truly understand you. It is a national organization.   You explained your life after your son exactly the way I feel. Thank you for sharing your story.  I am so very sorry for the pain and heartache that is with you .

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on July 9, 2011 at 10:55am

Greetings Rebecca.  I too am sorry for your loss. I still don't sleep well at night either, I relive that whole week that I spent with my son in ICU also. I am tormented by the visions of him looking so helpless, so undeserving of this tragedy. I begged him daily to keep fighting for his life. Everyday I have a headache.....literally!  Oddly enough, I did attend one Compassionate friends meeting, it was about 4-6 months after losing my son. Everyone was very welcolming. As I was driving there, my heart was racing, the closer I got , the more it raced. I began to feel like I was watching a silent movie, I couldn't believe that I was coming to a "place" like that. As I approached the door to enter the room, I became so overwhelmed, I bursted into tears as I began to sob. When I was asked to sign in with my son's name and write the cause of his passing, my hand was shaking. I became inferiorated that I was even there. I tried to convince myself nothing happened to my son and that I didn't belong there. Several parents tried their best to console me as i was helped to a seat. I sobbed the entire meeting. That night, the topic was 'do men grieve different than woman', I started thinking that this is not what I wanted to talk about, I didn't participate in the discussion. All I kept thinking was how much I wanted to scream and talk about my son, I wanted to talk about what happened and how I was feeling. I wanted to talk about how I was going to kill myself to be with my son to ease my pain. My son's accident/murder was then and still under investigation, so I didn't feel comfortable to say what really happened to my son, for all I knew, someone close to the investigation or someone involved, could have been there or knew someone that was. I had filed a lawsuit, and I didn't want to say anything that could jeopardize my son's case for him to get justice. I felt like the group that night would not meet my needs. At the same time, one of my daughters were attending the group for siblings downstairs that lost a sibling and she too expressed the same feelings .We both never went back but maybe I will give it another try. So far, my needs to express my feelings have been better met on this site. most of my family, including my other children and close friends, really don't understand my pain, they still don't know what to say to me and are always trying to "protect" me. Telling me NOT to cry and telling me that this all happened for a reason..........for what reason, I don't know because there is none,  and avoiding talking about my son in my presence, only makes me angry. I know that they mean well but they need to listen to me and let me grieve and mourn the way I am, this is NOT a choice of mine, who the hell would choose this?!!!!!! 

Somehow, I get through each day and thank goodness I will NEVER try to take my own life anymore, I still want to be with my son but I do not want to cause my family, especially my children, anymore pain. Thanks for listening, everyone.

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