Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kandi Broussard on May 13, 2011 at 7:30pm

What is his name?  I would like to hear more about him, please.  I know what you are saying... very few people will ever mention my mom or dad.  Today, I had a memory from my past that I was questioning and it occurred to me that I will NEVER get the answers because the only 2 people who would know are both gone.  This is a harsh reality and it scares and saddens me.  I, too, am "functioning" while falling apart internally.   It has been 9 months since my mom was brutally murdered.  9 months is probably a long time for most but for me it seems as if her murder is happening every single day.  It does not hurt any less.  I'm not gonna "get over it".  You are not alone.  I did not lose my husband but I feel the same way that you are describing yourself.  I hope to talk to you soon.           Kandi

Permalink Reply by Deborah Dodds on May 13, 2011 at 8:00pm

Marlene, I know exactly what you mean.  My friends talk about my husband, but his parents act as if he never existed.  I was told that when I go over there not to talk about him.  He was my world.l..my life and their son.  They just act like he never existed.  It hurts so bad that I don't even go over there anymore.  I like to talk about him as you do.  It keeps him alive.  I will never ever love anyone the way that I loved Randy.  And that side of the family and their friends just are hush hush about everything.  It makes me want to scream.  My Father in law said that they don't invite me over that much anymore because I remind them of Randy.  That hurts (tears)... So yes, I know exactly how you feel.  I was told that everyone grieves in their own way, but to not even mention his name is obsurd.

Permalink Reply by marlene lovell on May 13, 2011 at 10:18pm

Thank you Deborah...you said it so well...to talk about him keeps him alive!

Permalink Reply by Marti Shaffer on May 14, 2011 at 8:21am

I love that you said this cause i feel like talking about my son all the time, i think of him constantly but no one likes to bring him up but i want to talk about him, i want to remembe the joy he brought into my life. i want to hear people laugh about the silly stuff he done, he was a great man and he was happy and funny and full of heart. His name is Matthew daniel greer and he was  blonde haired, brown eyed, 6 ft 2 beautiful mn who loved his family and he was tough. that boy could take whatever came his way and roll with it..

Permalink Reply by Deborah Dodds on May 14, 2011 at 11:15am

Matthew Daniel Greer sounds like a celebrity name.  Talking about him makes you feel good and remembering all the fun things helps us heal faster.  Keep talking my friend.

Permalink Reply by Marti Shaffer on May 15, 2011 at 1:54pm

He is my celebrity , thank u, he was a great son and i wont stop talking about him, i cant. he is too important in my life and still such a huge part of my life and who i am.

Permalink Reply by Ada Bowie on May 14, 2011 at 7:29pm

I'm one of those who don't mention the name. It's not because I want to prentend he never existed. When I talk about my brother I just say "he" and "him". For me, it's just too hard to say his name. I don't like thinking about him because it reminds me that he's dead and that I will never see him again. I don't think that he is still here. He is gone. Even if it would be nice for me if he could see everything that I do and know everything I think, it would honestly be torture for him. I went off-topic, sorry. I just don't like when people that didn't even know him mention his name as if it were nothing around me. I just feel like they don't have the right. I know it's selfish. But I was one of the few persons in the world that knew him the best (those few being my sister and me), and I was closer to him than I am/was to any of my friends or parents. And the same goes for him.

I honestly don't want to pretend he's still here, that is not dealing with reality. It's not healthy. It will only slow down the healing process.

My parents are the same as you, though. My dad asks me why I don't want to talk about him, he tells me he wants to talk to me about it. That he wants to simply talk about it with the remaining family. I don't feel like that's normal. And I don't understand his point of view very well. I hope I helped you to understand mine a little bit more.

Permalink Reply by Deborah Dodds on May 14, 2011 at 7:57pm

Ada, yes, you helped me understand my mother and father-in-law a little better.  As I said before, everyone grieves in their own way...some like to talk about it and some don't.  We are all different.  Thanks for expressing yourself

Permalink Reply by Jillian Margaret Dalziel on June 8, 2011 at 10:46pm

Hello Marlene, my husband, Chris passed away in February 2009.  I know how you are feeling.  At first my friends wanted to talk about Chris and I didn't because I wanted to keep his memory just for me as I thought that would help stop me from feeling so lost and alone but now that I am trying to move forward difficult as this is, they feel uncomfortable when I mention him as if he is in the past and not important any more.  He is still important to me and my children although they are adults - they still need him with them and still need to feel that he is there even if in spirit.  We have had such a traumatic time since he died - my daughter was attacked by her ex partner and nearly died and it has been so difficult as everyone says that Chris had been here, then it wouldn't have happened.  Yes it would because nothing would have changed.  I wish that people would talk about Chris - they are making me feel uncomfortable and that I shouldn't even mention his name even though we all have some wonderful memories to share. I don't know why they are doing this - they have moved on and expect me to do the same because it has been long enough according to them. I think I am rambling now so will stop.  My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

Permalink Reply by Tammy on June 25, 2011 at 1:07pm

Hi Marlene,

I definitely can relate to your feelings and experience. The only people I can talk to about the loss of my spouse are my sisters and my spouse's best friend. My Jackie knew a lot of people and was loved so much, but no one seems to feel comfortable bringing up her name and when I do, people get silent. My spouse's brother told me it was hard to talk to me because I'm always crying and he has to move on. I couldn't believe it! Jackie is always with me and I think about her and miss her everyday. It's very hard when people are silent. Sometimes I wonder if they miss her then why don't they talk about her? Have they forgotten her? I just know that I will keep her memory alive and she still "lives" for me and "with" me. So keep saying your husband's name. Shout if you want to. He did exist and he was special.

Tammy

Permalink Reply by marlene lovell on June 25, 2011 at 5:04pm

Thank you Tammy. I do feel as if I need to shout out his name..because I do not want him to be forgotten!!!

Permalink Reply by Donna Gauthier on June 26, 2011 at 11:21pm

 Donna

I am new to this site. The second time I have posted. I apologize if I say or do something I should not. I am also one who likes to mention his name. But because I still love him and miss him greatly. And it keeps him alive in my mind. But what hard for me is his friends when he got sick. Didn't come around any more or call.

  But after he died in stead of a regular funeral we had a celabration to honor his life. Of corse all the people who came them. To celebrate his life. I really think it was more for the party. They did come to me then telling me how this affected thier lives and they were gone to change. But to me it felt so insincer. Because they only came by then and a time when thet thought he was dying when he was in the hospital last Sept. Maybe I mysele am small thinking this way.

  But I do want to talk about him all the time but I have few people to talk about him to. He has a brother and a sister. I don;t see much Even though his brother said since I don't drive he would help me out and took the car. Now I don't see or hear from him much. I think those who have someone to see and be able to talk to someone about him. It is up to you but I think you loose something wonderful to talk about him with someone. Even someone who knew him but you don't know them.

  I have a question that is a little off subject but it has been bothering me since my son Adam died in April. It is something my ex-husband said when he called after my son died but Adam never lived with him afterwards. And until about 4 years ago my ex would not talk to anyone. Then he went to see my other two. Or meet for dinner or someting. But only called Adam about every two weeks or so. Anyway when my ex called he said to me" I am sorry your son died" that hurt me really bad when he said it that way. Shouldn't you say I am sorry our son died? My daughter says I just miss understood him . He didn't mean it that way. Am I wrong for feeling the way I do?

 And one more thing who do I find out how to put a profile and other pictures on this site. I can't seem to be able to get it to work?