Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Rosie on December 3, 2020 at 11:15am

Hi Liv,

What a beautiful tribute to your amazing father. I found it amusing when you explained his love for High School Musical, and I think that story helped showcase his fun personality. You really captured your sweet relationship and your love for each other. It's clear you made an impact on at least one person who heard it and I'm sure others as well. 

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Permalink Reply by Joy on December 2, 2020 at 9:37pm

Liv, your speech was very moving and the love you have for your dad shines through. I know this time is so hard for you. I’m still struggling and my mom has been gone 3-1/2 years. I’m just glad you’re doing as well as you can in school given your grief. I pray that you can keep moving forward and realize you’re dreams. I know your dad would be so proud of you.

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Permalink Reply by Liv on December 3, 2020 at 9:57am

Thank you so much.

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Permalink Reply by Liv on December 8, 2020 at 12:30pm

Hi everyone,

I buried my dad yesterday. It was bad. I couldn't stop crying, like all day. I woke up, and cried. I got dressed, and cried. I got in the car, and cried, and etc. I cried during the entire service too. I don't really know what for, either. Because I miss him? Because he's gone? Because it was too soon? Because it was all just so lonely and empty?

It was just me and my mom there, and that almost made things worse, you know? We didn't tell anyone, that was her idea, and it seemed like a good one at the time but now, I don't know. I mean, I got to cry in peace, but then it just seemed go sad that he was alone. So many people cared about him, or at least they say they did, but it was just us there.

He was buried next to my grandparents, his mom and dad, and about half a dozen other family members, so I guess he's not alone anymore. Now he's put to rest. That's the only good part about that.

But all throughout yesterday, I felt just so alone. I had to go through this alone. I had to bury my dad without telling very many people, not that I had people to tell.

My mom keeps telling me that she understands, that she gets it because her parents are gone too. But they lived for almost ninety years. They got to watch their seven kids grow up, get married, and have kids. They got to watch their twenty grandchildren grow up.

My dad barely lived to see me graduate from high school, not that we could even have a ceremony. And he will never see another milestone of mine. And everything that happened this year made things even worse. I couldn't be there for him when he really needed me in the end, due to the virus. The virus made him so sick, twice. The virus took valuable time away from us. Three months and three days to be exact. Then, the virus took the rest of our time together too. 

My classmates say, "yeah 2020 sucked. I lost my senior year of high school." I missed out on that too, and so much more. Then, after everything it took, it decided it wanted my dad, and the rest of my happiness, too. To say that I am angry at the world would be an understatement. I am furious. I am heartbroken. I am just plain broken. 

Yesterday, just made me realize that.

Thanks for reading.

-Liv

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Permalink Reply by Liv on December 14, 2020 at 9:00pm

Hi all,

Today, I had to meet with the people in charge of my dad's remaining accounts and stuff. (Because I am so young, I have a trustee advisor, or something like that.) I could barely sit through the meeting.

Honestly, I couldn't care less about any amount of money that I will be receiving in however many years. I'd trade it all for more time with my dad. I'd trade everything I have to get him back, to be able to tell him how much I love him, or hug him, one more time.

I miss him so much.

Now that I'm finally out of school, I have all of this time, and less distractions, unless you count my mother. Now I have less reasons to avoid doing things as well. She wants me to be something that I'm not. She wants me to "be happy," but I can't. It's too much. None of this is fair. I can't do this without him. I can't do anything without him. I miss him so much. I miss him too much...

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Permalink Reply by Liv on December 23, 2020 at 4:18pm

Hi guys,

I am sitting in my dad's chair right now, his beloved Lay-Z Boy. We've had this chair since before I was born. I have so many memories of it, of my dad sitting in it, or of me squeezing in next to him, us both sitting there. I don't care what happens to it, I will not get rid of this chair, ever.

Towards the end, my dad wasn't able to move around a lot. He stayed in this chair all day, only getting up for snacks and for restroom breaks. He sat, watched tv, ate, and slept in this chair. He also started spilling things a lot, especially when he ate. I'm sure there's many messes, spills, and crumbs in this chair. And sure, it squeaks sometimes and it is about twenty years old, but I will not get rid of this chair.

It means too much to me. I have too many memories attached to it.

Here, I feel closer to my dad, something that I've been lacking recently. I miss him so much.

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Permalink Reply by Liv on December 24, 2020 at 11:13am

Hello everyone,

It is December 24 today. That means that six months ago today, I dropped my dad off at the hospital. Six months ago today, I hugged my dad for the last time. I haven't hugged my dad in six months. SIX MONTHS! That realization makes it hard to breathe.

If you are doing the math, like me, you may know that this Sunday will be the three month anniversary of my father's passing. That also means that I lost three months and three days with my dad that I will never be able to get back. Three months and three days!

I don't know how any of this has become my new reality. I don't know how any of this can be okay. 

I am heartbroken. I am angry. I am just plain numb sometimes.

These facts, and this life that I am forced to live, is not fair. It's not fair.

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Permalink Reply by Diana, Grief Recovery Coach on December 27, 2020 at 7:36am

Hi Liv,

I've also lost loved ones to cancer. You asked when will it get better? - the journey of grief is ever evolving, ever changing. We develop coping skills to help us handle our grief, so in that sense, yes, it does get better. But, in my experience, grief is always there, it just takes different shapes and form over time.

We will be starting a Zoom meeting soon for coping with grief and sharing amongst ourselves.  Would you be interested?  I am still deciding on the days and times but if there is a day and time that would work for you just let me know.  I wish you well on this grief journey and if you ever need to talk, send me a message or meet with me via chat.  I wish you peace.   

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Permalink Reply by Liv on December 27, 2020 at 2:45pm

Hello everyone,

It is exactly three months today; Thirteen weeks; Ninety-one days. I don't know how I've lasted this long, how I've managed to survive. I miss my dad so much.

It's been a rough day. I didn't really want to wake up, or get out of bed, so I didn't until after noon. Since then I've been sitting in my dad's chair, watching The Last Song, which is pretty much my favorite movie. It is also a Nicholas Sparks novel, which I've read a few times as well. Other than the added romance, it is pretty much my life's story. It is crazy how many similarities there are between my life, and this movie. I won't say much more about it, for those who haven't seen the movie, but I love it. I've watched it too many times in the last few months, but it is just one of those movies where I can just watch it and cry, about the movie and about my life, if that makes any sense.

I just really miss my dad, today, everyday, every second of everyday.

Thanks for reading.

-Liv

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Permalink Reply by Liv on January 9, 2021 at 4:46pm

Hello everyone.

It's been a while since I've written anything.

What's new? I'm back in school. Just moved back on campus today. Remember my roommate that I've been struggling to act around? Well, she moved out. She didn't even tell me until today that she switched rooms. She blames it on the school, but I do not know of anyone else who was switched. I think she was tired of me "acting depressed" or whatever, so she asked for a new room assignment. I want to tell her "Well, SORRY. MY DAD DIED!!!" I can't help but feel empty, heartbroken, or angry. Whatever. There's nothing I can do to change it. I'll either get a new roommate in the next week or maybe I'll even get to be in here by myself. We'll see.

The other problem is that I don't have any friends here, really. I can already feel the loneliness creeping in. Oh well. I guess it is better to be lonely than to be wrongfully judged.

Wish me luck.

-Liv 

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Permalink Reply by Liv on January 16, 2021 at 11:13pm

Hi everyone, sorry I haven't written in a while. I've needed to express my feelings so many times this week, but somehow I've been at a total loss for words. I guess I should start at the beginning.

A week ago, I moved in to my dorm room, only to find that my roommate switched rooms. So, upside, I have the whole room to myself and I don't have to worry about anyone else, and downside, I don't really have anyone else.

I guess I've just been feeling really lonely and alone lately. The only conversations I have most days are with my mom over the phone, if you can even call it a conversation (it is usually very one-sided and it never pertains to anything even remotely important.)

I just miss my dad so much and his death has really been getting to me lately, it seems like even more than it did in the first few days after he passed away. I think it is because I feel like I'm in this alone, like everyone else is moving on just fine and I am right back to where I was almost four months ago. No one asks me if I'm okay anymore, no one asks me anything period. The real world has just forgotten that my world fell apart a hundred and twelve days ago and nothing has been right since. And if I had a real-strong support system of friends and family, then maybe this wouldn't be so hard, but I don't. I'm tired of texting people first, and I am way beyond sick of not even getting a reply. It just really sucks that I've been having these really low moments in my life, and no one's there to witness it. I'm practically at my breaking point and it seems like no one cares because no one's here. My dad isn't here, and that kills me most of all.

My dad was always there for me in my low times, bugging me to make sure I ate, calling me multiple times a day, being my shoulder to cry on. At my lowest-of-the-low times, he was the reason I held on. Now he's gone, forever, and a part of me is too.

There's a quote that really speaks to me:

"Whilst you were alive you taught me many things. You taught me how to love unconditionally you taught me how to live life to the fullest, you taught me how to have fun and laugh, you taught me how to express emotions and cry, but the one thing you never taught me was how to cope without you in my life. And I'm really missing you!" -Dave Hedges

I guess that's all for now.

Thanks for reading.

-Liv

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Permalink Reply by Pennywyze on January 21, 2021 at 1:34pm

Liv,

I too lost my dad. It'll be 2 next month, and though we didn't have the best relationship when I was a kid, I still miss him every single day. Things can and will get better, you just have to be willing to accept the pain, first. I never thought in a million years, after I lost 5 people in a year's time, that time could heal all wounds. It's doesn't bring them back, but it does make life easier to deal with. Remember these things: he's no longer suffering, he's in a better place, and one day you will see him again. Not trying to push unwanted platitudes your way. Just wanted you to know that it does get better.

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