Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on April 14, 2017 at 2:54am

Hello Kevin,

It's so true what you say about choosing our spouse, life partner. The rest of our family members, as much as we love them, we didn't choose them. Your post made me feel very sad--a strange thing to say since I have been more than sad these past two and a half years--but you know what I mean. For me, too, sleep is my only comfort. When I finally fall asleep, then I find some peace, because the rest of the time when I am awake, it is just counting the hours and wanting the day to end. What a cruel punishment it is to have to survive your beloved spouse! But one thing I will say, I find myself giving thanks that Joseph didn't survive me, that it was not the other way round, that I went first leaving Joseph behind. He would not have withstood this torture, I just know it. So as much as this new existence is full of unspeakable pain, I am still glad that it is me who is the surviving spouse, and not Joseph...

Please know that I empathize with you and am sending good thoughts your way.

Peace.

Permalink Reply by Jerry on April 14, 2017 at 8:14am

Ditto Trina, and Kevin. I too only hang on the fact that my beloved is not having to do this...but for some dumb reason I think she'd be better at than me...sort of. I was the "do'r" she the planner, designer of everything. A perfect blend to which we could conquer anything in our path. I now, am broken and damn near useless. I too agree the only "rest" from this hell is the when I finally sleep from exhaustion of counting the seconds of the minutes of the hours of the days . . . Happy and Good are no longer found in my vocabulary. Take care...gotta run, a tidal wave is coming, again.

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on April 15, 2017 at 3:19am

Hello Jerry,

You describe our existence so well. Our "so-called" life that began after our beloved spouse passed is one that "normal" people have no inkling about, how cruel and unforgiving it is. Most of my waking hours is one long stretch of time that is purposeless and meaningless. So many times during the day I catch myself counting the minutes, the hours. When I look ahead, I see 25-30 years of this pitiful existence--I am 56 years old and have no major health issues)--no joy, no happiness, no respite. Just waiting and waiting for all this to end and to be finally reunited with the love of my life, Joseph.

Hope your tidal wave from earlier has passed and you have gained a little bit of composure. Sending you healing thoughts. Hang in there! If you observe Easter, then here's wishing you peace on Easter.

Warm wishes, Trina

Permalink Reply by Steinberg on April 14, 2017 at 9:34am

Hello Trina,

thanks for sharing your thoughts. I had not really ever thought of it the way you describe. At first I thought it should have been me and not him who was killed. Reason being that he was such an extraordinary person who added so much to the world. He was unique. I felt the world would have done better with him surviving me. Yet, I am probably the stronger one and, as you stated, perhaps this was the better choice if seen in terms of survival in this place. I wish you much strength. 

Permalink Reply by Trina Mamoon on April 15, 2017 at 3:11am

Dear S M, 

I just read your profile. I cannot even begin to imagine what it is like to be in your shoes. As devastating and life altering as it was and has been for me to watch Joseph lose his battle to lung cancer, we had nine months together after his terminal diagnosis. The nine months went by so fast, in the blink of an eye, but we could talk to each other about our tragedy and loss over that short period.

So to find out about your husband, that was a murder victim, makes me speechless. I don't know the right words to offer you condolences and empathy, but you have come to the right place where fellow members will relate to your pain of loss and bereavement.

I am so very, very sorry! Please come back here and post whenever you feel like reaching out and sharing your thoughts, we are here to listen and to offer moral and emotional support. This forum has helped me through my darkest days. Here I found a community of fellow bereaved people who don't judge and who understand. This is a safe place.

Sending you thoughts of peace and healing. If you observe Easter, then may you have a peaceful Easter.

Best wishes and love, Trina

Permalink Reply by Steinberg on April 15, 2017 at 6:30am

Dear Trina,

thank you for your kind words and open heart. Best wishes.

Permalink Reply by Steinberg on April 14, 2017 at 9:27am

Dear Kevin, know so much what you are talking about. Another painful aspect of grief is the tendency for people to compare and compete - I have no time for any of that. But I often was made to feel as if my grief was in someway less or less legitamate because it was not a child but my partner - and this even by help organizations! This, as you will no doubt know, deepened the pain and isolation even more. So I do really appreciate you underlining the unique and special quality that a relationship with a spouse has. It is a comfort to me. My partner felt like the family I had had all along but never met up until that point where we got to know each other. I wish I could make all of our pain go away. Take care.  

Permalink Reply by Kathleen Jordan on April 14, 2017 at 11:38pm

I entirely understand this. Lately, I'm spending so much more time sleeping, but I don't have bad dreams anymore. I have dreams that I remember, and he's usually in them.  I smile when I see him...even if it is in dreams. I try to carry the smiles with me through my waking hours so that I can see him again when  I sleep.

Permalink Reply by Maxey on April 23, 2017 at 7:48pm

Kevin, You are right about the dreaming. Every night I go to sleep hoping to dream of my husband; it is the only peaceful part of my day. I lay there in the dark thinking of him, but when I awake in the morning, the horror and reality of a another day without dawns. I am then right back into the nightmare of living a lonely, sad, and loveless life.
I love my family, and they are kind and thoughtful to me, but, as it is said, they cannot replace my husband.
What is it about meeting the one person in the world that becomes one's soul mate? It is like the bible says, we become one flesh. We become one entity, we really cannot "live" without each other once we decide to be husband and wife. Nothing will be joyous or happy until we are reunited - God willing.