I just passed the 10 month mark of loosing my husband and it doesnt seem to get any easier.  I wonder aloud a lot if one of the reasons why is because I still live in our house.

When I met my husband, he already had the house.  He bought it with his first wife, and while they didn't live in it together for very long, I think 6 months before they separated, there were still aspects of her  in the house.  

When we started to get serious, we discussed selling and moving.  I split custody of my children with my ex-husband, and to move in with my husband would mean moving 45 minutes away from them.  It could work, but it would be crazy driving. We looked at housing closer to my children, but the  costs of where we wanted to move was just outrageous. We had two large dogs, plus my 3 kids and we couldnt find a place that we needed for that didnt throw us into bankruptcy. We decided that we would keep his house and make it ours. We were slowly in the process of doing that.

We struggled a lot to keep the house with the housing crash, and in the months prior to his passing, we had an incident with a flood in the house that actually was going to afford us the ability to do a lot of the things we wanted to do to make the house ours. 

And then he was gone.

And I am left rattling around this huge house on my own and everyday coming home to it is harder than the day before. And while I cant do anything yet because of probate (no, there was no will or trust or anything) I have been seriously considering selling the house and moving.  And while all my kids are older now, I still feel that I need to be closer to them right now, and since they are older, I dont need a large home anymore.

I get angry at people who tell me that I shouldnt sell the house, I should complete the plans that my husband and I made to make it our house and to live there because "that is what he would want me to do." 

How do you know what he would want me to do? I dont even know what he would want me to do, and I have been to two mediums.

I dont know if he would want me to stay in this house, being absolutely miserable at every turn. Every.single.thing. brings him back in full force and I cant escape it, so are you saying, that is what he would want me to?  Be miserable with his memory.

I try to explain to people just how hard it is for me to be in this home, and for me to keep my sanity, it would probably be best for me to sell it and move. But all they seem to think is that "it's not what he would want you to do." or "he would want you to be happy, and that is why you should keep the home you shared because he was so proud of what you guys were doing with it."

Whatever.. just go away!

A girlfriend of mine put it so perfectly when she said to me the other day when she said that "I dont owe anyone an explanation for anything. You don't owe anyone anything. Particularly keeping a home as a memorial with you trapped inside."

Trapped inside is the perfect way to put how I feel.