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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Hilary Christene on
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that's all i need.
exactly.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Hi Pam. I completely understand -- I desperately need to be with my love, too. Like you, I hope that I die as soon as possible, and actually I don't understand why I didn't have my own heart attack and die as soon as I knew my husband was dead, or soon after (people actually can die of a broken heart, and it tends to happen most when a spouse dies). That's what should have happened. That's what I wish had happened. I will always be married to my husband -- he is my heart, and he always will be.
Thankfully I don't have people suggesting hobbies to me, though my family does urge me to do the things that previously made me happy, though I have explained to them that I have no interest in those things anymore, nor in anything else. No plans, no motivations -- I understand. I died when my husband died, but my heart keeps beating even though I wish it would not.
Hugs to you too, Pam.
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Permalink Reply by Pam on
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Dear Bluebird
One thing I've decided to do is to write an Advance Directive - here in UK was once known as a Living Will. Should anything happen...illness/accident then I don't want to be kept alive for the sake of it + I don't want to burden loved ones either. My funeral plans will be included too. A dear friend (who feels just the same), said she'd done this & it gave her a tiny bit of peace - just knowing her wishes were clear and will be followed.
I guess some might find this morbid but I just feel its honest.
Each day I wake & wish I hadn't ....just another one to get through without my darling.
Thinking about you Bluebird & sending hugs
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That's a good idea, about the Advance Directive / Living Will. I have thought about doing that too, as well as what here in the US is called a "DNR" ("Do Not Revive"), which is much the same thing.
I don't much care about the funeral plans -- once I'm dead, I don't really care what happens to my body. I think I would rather be cremated than buried, but whatever. Ditto for my stuff and my husband's stuff -- if I die before my sister does, it will be up to her to do whatever she wants with the stuff. Most of it is just furniture, books, etc., and the few things that are really important to me now I assume won't be once I'm dead, but in any case I do want to write a will so that those few things go to where I want (basically to my sister, but I would want her to keep them, whereas the furniture and such she can do with as she wants).
Anyway -- I don't find your plans morbid, I do think they are just honest and they make sense.
Hugs to you too.
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Dear Bluebird - thinking about you.
I feel the same about 'stuff' - apart from precious things belonging to my hubby & precious/special items of ours, nothing else matters . Another part of wishing to go now is because loved ones will be better off (in so many ways) without me, so I dearly hope my time will come soon. Maybe grief is self pitying or selfish - but I can only be honest.
Sending hugs today
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Hugs to you, too.
I absolutely do want to die, but I don't really think my family would be better off without me. I know that they would rather I be alive and here with them, even though I'm no fun at all to be with now. But I would rather be dead, so that I could be with my husband, if there is an afterlife, or just cease to be altogether if there is no afterlife.
This is no life, waking up in the wee hours every morning because I can't sleep and am having nightmares, even though I had to taking a sleeping pill to even get to sleep, waking up to sadness and despair every day, sadness and despair that will never end during this lifetime. There is NOTHING in life for me now. Well, there is the love of my family and my love for them, but they will always love me and I will always love them (assuming I continue to exist in an afterlife). But I can't base my life on their love. My FUTURE, while of course they would be in it also, was with my husband. So now I have no future. Every goddamn day I just want to die, I pray to die even though I don't know if there's a god listening and if there is s/he clearly doesn't care about me. I actually pray and beg, every day, to have an instantly fatal heart attack.
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Permalink Reply by anna l. on
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I am going to presume to speak for everyone that has found their way to this site when I say, We have all been where you are. We have all felt hurt beyond what we thought we had the power to live through. We have all wished we had died too. We have all prayed to be the one to die instead of our loved one. We have all thought of reasons it would be better for those around us. And I know of at least one of us that followed through on those thoughts and her sister had to come here and tell us her sister had committed suicide. The pain and loneliness is unbearable. The loss of our normal is unbearable. Time will not bring back the normal we had before. We have to mourn the loss of that too. What time does give us is time to learn to love ourselves. Sometimes it takes an outside party, a therapist to help us learn to love ourselves, and that is ok. Time will let you look back and say I don't know how I made it. I don't know how I made it! But here I am, a different person than I was, living a different life than I was, and that I did not ever ask for. And I can face the mornings, and the nights calmer now. I will never stop loving my son. I will never stop loving my husband. I hope one day you can start to feel the beginnings of the calm easing of this acute phase of grief and loss. It is possible. Everyone here is here as proof. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep writing, keep reading.
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Hi anna. I know it is horrible for everyone else too. in my own case, though, it's not a matter of not loving myself enough. I actually don't like the person I am now, because I have no passion and don't care about anyone or anything, I am selfish, I just want to die -- but in the past, before my husband died, I was always a good person and loved who I was.
I know that you're saying everything you're saying in order to help, and I appreciate that, but nothing helps. This loss IS unbearable, as you said. And so I will not bear it -- I will just do my best every day to will myself to die, and if god or the universe or whatever doesn't make that happen within a relatively short period of time (like the next year or so), then I will take care of it myself. I have NO desire for a life without my husband.
I am sorry that your husband and son have died, and glad that you have been able to find some peace or happiness or whatever in life. I'm glad for anyone else who feels that way too. But it's not for me.
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I totally understand & feel exactly as you - perhaps my family would rather I'm here - even as a miserable shell of a woman. Although I have dear ones who love me, they cannot give meaning or purpose to my life - my husband was the only person who was that to me. He was my ONLY reason to live.
I truly wouldn't take my own life - that would cause too much pain & devastation. But each day I pray & beg for a natural death - I don't care if it were to be painful....I could bear physical pain if it meant reuniting with my Dear husband. If there's no afterlife, at least it would end the torment and the anguish of having to live without him.
I'm grateful if I manage some sleep - at least it's a temporary escape and I do dream of him & us being together. It's the waking that's the nightmare....another dreadful day without my beloved.
Hugs today
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"Miserable shell" describes it perfectly. The only reason I am still alive is because my family wants me to be, and while I love them and am glad they love me, I also find myself resenting them for keeping me here. As you said, our other loved ones cannot give meaning or purpose to our lives -- for each of us, our husbands are our future.
I probably will end up killing myself at some point, if it doesn't happen on its own. I do pray and beg every day for a natural death too, as I think it would probably hurt my family a bit less. Of course I would rather die painlessly, but if it meant I would reunite with my soulmate then I could deal with any amount of physical pain first.
I agree with what you said, that even if you die and there's no afterlife, then "at least it would end the torment and the anguish of having to live without him".
I don't sleep much, and when I do I never have good dreams about my husband. I only have nightmares in which he has cheated on me and left me, or I have cheated on him and left him, or one of us has just broken up with the other, etc. (none of which ever did or ever would have happened in real life). I know it's just my subconscious trying to figure out what has happened, where he is, but it still sucks. I have no peace while awake, I have no peace during the short periods when I can sleep. I have no peace, and I just want this over.
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Permalink Reply by Wander on
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"I totally understand & feel exactly as you - perhaps my family would rather I'm here - even as a miserable shell of a woman. Although I have dear ones who love me, they cannot give meaning or purpose to my life - my husband was the only person who was that to me. He was my ONLY reason to live."
Re-reading through this thread... another post I could have written, every single word. It's absolutely pointless, but I ask anyway: WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN??!?!??!? :(
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Permalink Reply by pamela winmill on
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You have just described my life totally, i had a real bad day yesterday and its getting worse i dont want to be here anymore
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