Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Patty on May 31, 2016 at 12:30pm

I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter, Julia.  What a tragedy.  I lost my daughter also to a drunk driver.  I know something of your pain and am sending you my prayers.  

Permalink Reply by Terrie B on May 31, 2016 at 3:22pm

Julia I am so sorry for your loss.
My daughter Candance had a similar life as your daughter. Drugs took over her mind and a monster took her life.
She was murdered in TX (we live in NC) July 11, 2011. I know your pain, to me it doesn't matter what a victims lifestyle was......there is no excuse for murder. The police in TX had the same mindset.... Another crack head off the street. They went as far as telling the paper she was shot when she wasn't. I argued constantly with the detective who didn't didn't seem to care. I was able to keep her name in the press then when I was talking to the reporter he said , Terrie I really feel sorry you lost your daughter but nobody really cares about a drug addict getting murdered.. I lost it and after being told by the police not to say how she died I told him.
He was astounded, because in all the articles the detective told him to make sure he printed she was shot.
Everyone told me it gets better with time...I don't know how much time... I don't cry every day now but the sadness is still here.
I think of her constantly. I also never talked about her at first but now I am don't care who knows about my daughter, at times I get emotional but not always. I love her unconditionally that will never chance.
I don't know if they will ever find out who murdered Candance....the crime scene was not properly processed and evidence was contaminated.
My husband is also a teacher and does share our story with his coworkers and students he thinks might be doing down the wrong path.
My heart goes out to you. And again I am so sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Julia Nichols on May 31, 2016 at 6:28pm

Thank you Terrie, your story helps me feel less alone. How old was your daughter when she died? Does it help to join organizations that fight against drug abuse and all that goes with it? I don't think I'm strong enough to do that. I feel terrible guilt that I could not guide her better or persuade her to get the right treatment and stay with it. I feel awful and empty. It was so much easier when she was just a missing person; I could fantasize and delay my grief. All these other people on Facebook posting about their amazing lives, it just makes me sick with the unfairness of this world. Kara was beautiful, creative, intelligent...she was the heart of our family. Just like your Candance must have been. I hate the world that takes vulnerable young women and ruins their lives. Kara needed effective mental health and substance abuse treatment, but was 19 and we couldn't force her. We tried and it was a disaster. They tell you to "let go" or even to kick them out of your house. "They will bottom out." No they won't. In the end she dropped out of treatment and went back to Colorado Springs, where we used to live, instead of staying with us in Chicago, where we had just moved. Then she went missing. The awful thing is that I think she was about to agree to come back to us--then a monster took her life.

Permalink Reply by Terrie B on May 31, 2016 at 8:32pm

Julia
Candance was 36 when she was murdered.
We tried everything....she was a beautiful person inside and out.... Never knew a stranger....would give a bum on the street her last dollar because he looked hungry.
She served 4 years in the Marine Corps, got out worked as a paralegal then worked as a manager at a title company...she was a smart go getter. Then she fell into the wrong group.
She had a daughter but lost her custody because of her drug use and lost her job as well. She went to rehab several times but always seemed to meet the wrong men....one day she woke up and said she was joining the Army to get a new start.....little did we know drugs are easy to get in the Army......she moved to TX.....she got pregnant had a son who was taken at birth because of her drug use... Luckily our youngest daughter was able to gain custody and has been raising him.
Chris turned 3 the day Candance was murdered.
as a parent I know in my heart we did what we could the rest was up to her. She chose, drugs over family. I think that hurts more. We expected to get a call telling us she died of an od NOT murder.
Sorry this is so long.
Amid her turmoil I spoke with her daily and told her how much I loved her...I think she was also on the verge of coming back to us and trying rehab again.
I hacked into her Facebook and found a lot of info there....also hacked into her yahoo account.....
If you don't feel the police are doing everything they can....no sometiimes people irritate me so I've not joined any groups.....I went to a therapist who didn't know what to do or say to a grieving mother who's daughter was murdered....
My decision.......to find out what I could and bug the piss out of the police dept.
Have you been keeping a journal?
It helps....I stopped but am starting again....
I am here for you anytime you need to talk...

Permalink Reply by Julia Nichols on June 1, 2016 at 4:12pm

Today was a hard day. We had a TV crew here to do a spot on a crime show. It's to put pressure on the idiot sheriffs to actually investigate the case instead of just shoving it aside as a cold case.  The top sheriff was just indicted on 6 felony charges; all that was happening when my daughter went missing so they just gave lip service to investigating, passing the case from one investigator to the next, making a lot of excuses and not knowing how to do anything. The show was to portray Kara as a beloved daughter--no mention of the awful circumstances thank God. My husband could not bear the part where we were filmed looking at family photos. I have looked at them from time to time, but he really never has. Although he seemed to feel all along that she was dead, I don't think he ever stopped hoping for a miracle same as me. It was hard to bear his pain, much less my own. To see our beautiful child and remember we were once a happy family. Now I just feel empty, like this is a waking nightmare. We never really had a chance to develop an adult relationship with Kara, what with all the teenage drama, angst, and then drug addiction. I've kept a journal and it does help; guess I'll go back to it. You're right, therapists don't know what to say and "active listening" is not helpful to me. I am glad you had the chance to talk to your daughter and tell her you loved her. I too was able to do that and it is a small comfort. I have two other children and I must function and be there for them...but it's as though I miss and long for the lost sheep all the more. She was the one who always needed me the most and I felt the closest to. She created a lot of havoc in our household for many years, with the emotional problems (some therapists called it bipolar, others borderline personality disorder). For awhile after she disappeared, I'm ashamed to say all I could feel was anger and some sort of relief. I like to believe that with time, adulthood and the right treatment/therapy, she could have overcome all of this. Maybe just part of my fantasy and rationalizations. Grief sucks doesn't it? I will never get over this.

Permalink Reply by Terrie B on June 1, 2016 at 9:45pm

That's good, I know stressful for you keeping Kara in the public...I sent the detectives pictures of Candance so they could see her in life not death.
Candance was our middle daughter....like Kara she was bipolar and drugs turned her into a different person.
Her sisters have a hard time coming to terms with her death, they had written her off years ago.
We do talk of her often which helps.
My husband did not want to know how she died....when the police told me not to order the autopsy you know that was the first thing I did. The public knows if some one was shot it was drug related.
I had a friend who was a dective in VA where we lived at the time look at it first then explained it to me.
I cried how sad but I had to know I did not trust the police to tell me the truth...
And they didn't ..... I think they didn't want the public to know because it is a military town......can we say serial killer.
Irritates the crap out of me....
We are now on dective #3
Each worse than the last....
They do not consider any unsolved homicides as cold cases .... That way they can keep control so no one can look at the case or talk about it. I asked them to to hand it over to the TX rangers but they refused. We found out a lot of info and I got into screaming matches with the first detective and the judge who pronounced her dead....they don't like talking to me much....I don't call as much as I used to I think they are due for another call....

Permalink Reply by Julia Nichols on June 3, 2016 at 10:26am

I do feel much less alone in knowing your daughter's story and the grief and justice journey you're on. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. The tipster said someone overheard a bad guy (an alleged rapper-pimp that Kara was associated with) brag that he killed her, and that at least 10 other bodies are buried with her. So we can say serial killer also. It's hard to wrap my mind around this level of evil, but it must be expressed so that I can move beyond the horror and properly grieve. I keep going over the what ifs, the bargaining, the personal guilt. We told her she was always welcome to come back to us, as long as she would agree to treatment...not exactly the unconditional love one wants to offer their child. The rehab places say "kick them out"--exactly what kind of solution is that? So they can turn to prostitution? I wish I could have gotten guardianship of her and forced her into residential treatment--but I doubt that a judge would have granted that. How can one build a trusting adult relationship when drugs take over the mind and soul and turn people into desperate manipulators. I have to find a way to remember what a beautiful girl she was before all that, and all the love we shared, the normal fun family times. Yes I can relate to the military town aspect of your daughter's case, and that's another travesty. All this happened in Colorado Springs, a hypocritical hellhole of the military/religious complex, I truly loathe the place. Drugs have invaded all the high schools, but they prefer denial and don't have the political or economic will to do anything about it. Thanks for reading my rant, it really helps.

Permalink Reply by Terrie B on June 5, 2016 at 11:57am

Julia
Although she never would admit I knew how she made her drug money. It's saddens me to to think these young woman would degrade themselves for drugs. I try to remember all the good and the joy she brought into our lives.
NO ONE should loose their life over drugs.
I don't look at life as I used to. Depression got the best of me and I segregated myself from a lot of friends. I don't think any of them will ever know what it's like and I don't want them to tip toe around me.
A lot of times I am asked how many children I have.....I always say 3 girls.
My husband said 2 once and I corrected him. If they ask about the girls I tell them but don't elaborate on Candys death unless they ask. Most are shocked...
But that is my reality now.
My love for her has never changed the decision she made was hers. We did all we could but as she once told me....
Mom you can't fix me I need to fix me.
The last time I took her to the airport I knew I would never see her again.

Permalink Reply by Wyatt's Mom on June 12, 2016 at 11:07pm

How incredibly sad, I'm so sorry you are here with the rest of us grieving mothers and fathers.  You are right to say you have 3 daughters, because you do.  Your girl will always be yours, she's just not here physically, as you so obviously feel and know.  It's a real shame and a real waste.  May you find some eventual peace and healing.  Bless us all--

Permalink Reply by Christine Askkins on July 5, 2016 at 6:04pm

My sonJoe,passed away on Dec. 3,2011 from complications from Type 1 diabetes and an accidental overdose of OxyContin ,he was only 27.he had come back to Jersey one month earlier on Nov 4 th of that year,he wanted to make a "New Start",to go to school for bookkeeping,however that wasn't to be,God gave him back to me for that last month of his life,he had just made his sons ' 3rd birthday in Oct,he wanted to get training ,get a job ,And bring his son and his girlfriend to Jersey,he had struggled with his diabetes ,& drug addiction since he was 17,we tried 2 New Jersey Rehabs and one inCalif. Before sending him to N.C. To live with his sister,her husband is a Capttain in the Army in Ft. Bragg,e joined over 12 years ago when my 2 grandaughters developed Cystic Fibrosis at birth,it was a good job Aand the medical benefits helped.Anyway my Joe met his sons'Mom while in N.C.started using again and wanted to come home to "start over"my heart is greatful to have had my boy for that final month,And yet I still have deep grief,finding him the way I did,it still starts over again ,every day ,it will be 5 years since that day,but I will never be whole again in my mind ,part of me DID die with him,those are NOT just words,I cry every,single,day,sometimes more than once a day,my shrink this I have PTSD,I agree.

Permalink Reply by Patty on July 6, 2016 at 10:53am

Christine, I cannot tell you how sorry I am for your loss.  I don't even know what to say.  I loss my daughter, Caitlin, at age 20 to an impaired driver.  She is our only child.  That was almost 6 years ago.  I still cry every day.  Yesterday it was at my hair salon and at the dinner table.  I believe that PTSD is a real possibility and I have often wondered if I have it.  The day that she was taken seems like yesterday to me.  And, yes, a part of me died that day too.  I am a very different person now.  I feel like half of a person because she was always my other half and always will be. There is no pain like this.  This is the hardest thing anyone could ever go through.  The only hope I have is that I will be with Caitlin again when it's my time to leave this earth. It's good that you had that last month with your son.  You are in my prayers.

Permalink Reply by Nb on October 25, 2016 at 7:48pm

I lost my son, Lucas, on August 26, 2016 in a car accident. We think he misjudged the turn on our dark rural road because he was very sleepy and hit a retaining wall. He was killed instantly, we think just a few minutes after his sister made that turn from the opposite direction coming home from a football game. I heard the sirens, and something prompted me to check our local communities Facebook page - which was reporting a fatal accident near our mile-marker. I donʻt know why, but I woke my husband up and told him we should go check. It was only a quarter mile away, and when we got there we couldnʻt identify what kind of car - just the color. We asked the police, "What kind of car is that? Who is in that car?" They told us a young male, deceased was in the car, and asked us for our license plate number. I couldnʻt remember it - just when they told me the wrong number, I knew it wasnʻt it and felt a little relief - but the police officer apparently couldnʻt read his own hand-writing, and it was our son, our beautiful, wonderful boy.

Before the confirmed this, my husband noticed a piece of the bumper at the retaining wall - the car had slid across the road and they wouldnʻt let us approach it. He bent to pick up the piece, and the police man snapped at him - "Itʻs a crime scene!" But my husband said, "This could be our car; this could be our son," and ignored him. He turned to me and said, "Itʻs our car." I started screaming. He must have been in shock, so he turned to look at the piece again, just to make sure, and again, the officer snapped at him about the crime scene.

I wanted to go to my boy - he was just across the road, but they wouldnʻt let me. I knew he was dead, but I just wanted to go to him. I am still a little upset that I couldnʻt, that they wouldnʻt let me.

I wanted to see him so much, that we waited at the crime scene for over an hour, hoping to see them take him out of the car, but eventually, reason set in, and we went home and waited up for them.

Lucas is our third of four children. He just graduated from high school in May, and had a full tuition scholarship to our local university. Heʻd come home from the dorm that night to do laundry and have dinner with us. He went for a drive to see a beautiful local phenomena - he was only going ten miles and it was relatively early. How I wish I had thought about how little sleep heʻd had the night before; how I wish I had stopped him.

I am in agony, still - it will be 2 months tomorrow. I teach where he attended school, and there is nowhere he is not on this campus in my mindʻs eye - and nowhere in this world where I can hug him. Some days are so hard, I feel like I am walking through molasses. I want my son.

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