I'm sorry I didn't even know about the 'comment wall' and just saw your message from long ago.... I'm sorry you have lost your precious one and know how hard it is when others just don't seem to be able to let you grieve and remember your loved ones in any way you need to do and for as long as you need to do it... I don't think it ever is 'over' until we are with them again... its not for me.. I've just learned to hide it better... its still horribly painful and turns me into a shaking wreck from time to time... usually something just triggers it all over again and all at once its as if it just now happened.. all over again.... and the loss feels LITERALLY like a knife in my soul and my insides feel frozen and the world seems to be nothing but a dream state that I'm lost in and want OUT of... but then it eases up and I can go back to looking 'normal' ...or at least more normal than when I'm once again paralyzed by the reality that I will NEVER see or hold my sweet son again while I am alive... I will NEVER get over that... but I hold on tight to the belief that we WILL be together one day with God .. and I try with everything I know to do to get closer to God and live a better life so that there will be no reason for God to reject me.. I'm no saint.. I still get angry at God when something horrible happens.. at first anyway... and ask why and wonder why.. but I get over it and ask Him to forgive me for my lack of faith ... and sometimes I'm so afraid that there isn't really any hope.. but then I realize that's not true because over and over and over God HAS taken care of me and delivered me out of life threatening situations miraculously and has provided for everything in ways that are nothing short of miracles in themselves... so all this does build my faith back up and helps me hang on tight to the HOPE of eternal life... and gives me a firmer belief that it DOES exist and we WILL see it... glad I finally found your comment... and so sorry it took me forever to find it... how are you doing these days?

Chris,

I have moments that are less intense I guess, but Caitlin is constantly on my mind.  These past 3 weeks have been particularly bad and I don't know why.  I have thought, as you said, would I want Caitlin to be this much of a mess if it had been me who was taken.  No I wouldn't.  And I don't think it would be quite as hard on her because adult children know that they will lose their parents someday.  But parents don't expect to lose their child.  And when it is an only there is no where to even try to focus your energy.  One of my biggest issues is that I feel so purposeless.  I want to be mom.  I know I am still a mom but it doesn't really feel like it when I can't see my child. My best times are when I have more of an eternal perspective and think how short this life is in light of eternity.  I wish I could say that is always my perspective but I can't.  I think we have to live with a hole in our heart that never heals.  I do try to focus on God.  He really is my strength and I would not still be here without Him.  Thank you for caring.  ~ Patty