Murder, Suicide, And living in fear

I don't even know if I can do this. My mind is weary and my thoughts are scattered. And death is all around me. In fact it consumes me as I still search for answers and try to understand them all. My mother committed suicide by shooting herself in the head when I was 5, when I was 7 daddys girlfriend let me sleep with her one night and she died lying right beside me. I tried in vain to wake her up. When I was 14 my sister Sandy became a missing person, and about a year later my daddy died right in front of me in our living room and 6 months after that my missing sisters skeletal remains were found she had been kidnapped,Raped,then her killers tried to beat her to death but she didn't die so they tried breaking her neck, then they stabbed her in the chest and abdomen numerous times, then slit her throat, and she managed to raise herself up on one elbow so they grabbed a rock and threw it on her head. A couple years later I came home one day and found my fiancée dead in our bedroom, and 4 months after that my other sister dee dee committed suicide. And then on may 16th 2012 my sister Tammy was murdered by her boyfriend. And  after several months of trying to lie about it police finally admit her boyfriend killed her but they say that cant arrest him because he was mentally insane when he killed her and their county has no funding to house the mentally ill therefore they have nowhere to put him, So this physcopath insane person with a long history of violence against women who murdered my sister remains free to roam the streets and he lives just 30 miles away from me and goes through random phases of stalking me. Several months after after she died, the police  who were investigating her death called to warn me that they had reason to believe that her boyfriend might be making plans to take me to truckee and kill me also, They suggested I go file an emergency protective order....YEA LIKE A PIECE OF PAPER IS GOING TO STOP A HOMICIDAL MANIAC FROM COMMITTING ANOTHER MURDER. He is 6"3 and weighs 300 lbs. He showed up on my doorstep at midnight wanting to watch a movie. Im haunted and scared by the violent deaths of my entire family that Im still struggling to understand. I feel like a sitting duck with him. Nothing feels safe anymore because the people I counted on for protection are all dead. I miss my family. I feel alone and terrified and worried and restless. I sit here with my grief and my thoughts, and my fears and depression and it keeps me stuck in a dark place that I cant find my way out of at times and there are moments when I think dying would be easier. But I can tell you this...No matter how deep into this nightmare I have to fall, I vowed to myself that I wont be the third member of my family to commit suicide, Nor will I be the third member of my family to be murdered.

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Permalink Reply by Nikki on May 3, 2016 at 3:10pm
This is unbelievable. I can't even imagine. I dont even know what to say. Except sorry you're going through such a difficult life.
Permalink Reply by Janet Shores Hoogendyk on May 4, 2016 at 4:12am
Thank you Nikki for your kind words. They are comforting
Permalink Reply by Nikki on May 4, 2016 at 7:21pm
I wish I could say something truly comforting, or offer some way to make you feel safe. I don't understand this world at all, it makes no sense sometimes. The meaning of life is supposed to be love, and yet that is the one thing that can hurt us the most. The thing I am most thankful for is my faith. And my strong belief that this world is only out temporary home. With this belief the tragedies seem a little more bearable. Even if only a little.
Permalink Reply by Janet Shores Hoogendyk on May 6, 2016 at 12:17am

You are so right. And the world is so unpredictable. And people today are so unpredictable.  And you are right about this world being our temporary home. But nobody besides god has the right to choose when its our time to go home. People who play god with other peoples lives are cowards. If they want to take a life why don't they take their own, that's my theory.

Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on May 31, 2016 at 9:13pm

Hi Janet,

This is absolutely unreal how much you have gone through with death alone starting since you were 5. I am so, so very sorry. I too am at a loss of words. I don't know that I've ever read someone's story with such continued loss. But I am really curious how you have coped through the years dealing with all this? What did you think at 5 when your mother shot herself? How did you continue to perceive death after each additional one mentally and emotionally? At any point did you start to become numb or desensitized (for lack of better word) to death? Which ones were/are the hardest to understand? I'm not sure the right questions to even ask and I hope to not come across in any ill manner. I'm just genuinely curious what your thought process and emotional coping has been over the years.  

Permalink Reply by Janet Shores Hoogendyk on June 1, 2016 at 6:18am

Ya know, That's a very interesting question because I don't even know what my coping mechanisms were but I do remember that each death had an entirely different impact on me and the way I grieved. When my mom died nobody would tell me the truth. They would say she left or that somebody took her or she moved to another state, and even though I was only 5 years old I realized that i was being lied to because everyone was telling me something different. I don't think i understood then what death was but i could tell by the atmosphere that she was never coming back to be my mom. But i didn't really grieve because i didn't grasp that she no longer existed in the world. I thought id see her again when i grew up or something. And when my dads girlfriend died, i think i was just beginning to understand that when someone dies you never get to see them again, so when they were removing her body from the house i remember begging my dad to stop them from taking her away. I wanted them to bury in the back yard because i didn't want her to leave. And when my sister went missing, even though my dad said that she was presumed dead, i convinced myself she was still out there somewhere alive because no dead body had been found. And when my dad died me and my sister tammy and her boyfriend followed the ambulance to the hospital. When the doctor told us he was dead it felt like all the air had left the room and i remember it was hard to breathe. I think i was in shock for a very long time and two weeks after he died i went to an orphanage and i sat there for 3 months still convinced that my sister Sandy was alive and she was coming to get me when she finds out dads dead. But one day the councelors came and led me to a room and told me her body had been found and she had been murdered.I remember feeling more alone than i ever had in my life. And when i found my fiancée dead it haunted me for over two years. literally haunted me. I was so afraid of the dark and of being alone. afraid of his ghost. Then my sisters dee dees suicide, I just felt was very angry. It was a selfish thing for her to do.  But my sister Tammys death. Shes the one! her death has hit me hardest, When she died i fell to my knees and begged god pleased don't do this.She still dies all over again each and every day. I think she always will.  Im sorry iive been rambling on when i meant to just say that each one affected me differently but always leaving a trail of emotional wreckage upon my soul. I don't think ive become desensitized to it but im always thinking "whos going to be next?"

 

 

 

 

Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on June 5, 2016 at 9:30pm

Please no apologize on the "rambling". I'm interested to hear whatever you would have to say. I liked you going into the detail you did. It is totally logical you would always be thinking who is going to be next. It is just unreal all you've been through and I'm trying to grasp any part of it I can.

Permalink Reply by Janet Shores Hoogendyk on June 8, 2016 at 3:33am

Ill tell you whats really weird, and you may think im crazy or you may not believe what im telling you actually happened but I promise you it did happen and to this very day I still don't understand it. Ya know how I told you that when my fiancée died it literally haunted me for over 2 years?  Well he and his friend had been partying all day and into the next beginning on the morning of February 4.  I didn't like his friend so I got up and left the house and went to my girl friend's house for the entire day.  I came back home around 11:00 that night and they were still drinking and partying with a couple other people there including his 22 year old son so I left again and went back to my girlfriend's house which was just up the road and I came back to our house at about 2:30 AM which now made it technically February 5.  My fiancee was very drunk as well as everyone else in the house.  Finally in about 3:30 AM I decided he had had enough to drink and I call them into the bedroom and asks him to lay down on the bed and talk to me for a few minutes because they knew if I could get him to lay on the bed for just a minute he would pass out and he did.  Fell once you fell asleep I got up and started cleaning up the mess that he and his friends had left.  At about 4:30 AM I went into the bedroom and he was passed out on the bed fully clothed and I was going to take off his shoes.  As soon as I entered the bedroom there was this really creepy feeling that came over me that I had never felt in that house before.  And as I touched Tony to take off his shoe, I felt this presence rearing up behind me.  I don't even really know how to explain it but it was an evil presence, like a monster I could not see that .can feel it presents.  And the more I touched him the stronger this presence became.  So after untying the first shoe and removing it I became so scared of what ever was in that room that I just pulled his second shoe off and quickly left the room.  And then forgot all about what I had just experienced.  Then the 530 in the morning I went back into the room and was going to crawl into bed but as soon as I am into the room I can feel that presence again so I didn't want to sleep in there so I grabbed a blanket that can was folded at the end of our bed and wanted to cover Tony up with it but once again the closer I got to that bed where Tony was sleeping to stronger this presence became and it felt so evil and scary.  It's like  what ever was in that room, it got really angry or upset each time I tried to touch Tony.  It was the freakiest and most bone chilling feeling I have ever encountered in my life. whatever it was in that room, if the it was VERY clear to me that it didn't want me going near tony. because it got stronger with every step closer I got to tony. But I had no idea what the hell was going on. It scared me so bad then I just grabbed a blanket and threw it on top of tony from the end of the bed and quickly ran out of the room.  And then I decided that I would just go back to my girlfriend's house and get a couple hours of sleep on her couch since Tonys son and his friend we're taking of both the couches in the living room and there was no way I was going to go back into the bedroom and try to get in that bed with Tony.  So it went to my girlfriends house and slept tell about 9:00 woke up, took a shower and talked to my girlfriend till about noon then I left to go to an appointment and after my appointment I went back home.  By this time it was almost 3:00 PM and when I got home Tonys son said he was still sleeping which was weird because he was ALWAYS up by 6 0r 7 am, so I went into a bedroom to wake him up and he was dead.  I immediately knew right then but the presence I felt in the bedroom hours earlier was death coming to take Tony.  And I'm guessing the reason it got stronger and more terrifying each time I tried to get closer to Tony while he was sleeping is because it trying to keep me from interfering with his death.  I had NO IDEA at the time that tony had taken some valium and Xanax and dilaudid with his friend when they were drinking and partying the night before.  So the worst thing I could have done was to make him a down.  If I had known I would've never let him go to sleep.  I had no idea that as he slept he was falling into a coma in his heart wont stop from the combination of narcotics and alcohol.  But anyway that experience left me terrified for over two years.  There was something evil about his death that I will never forget.  I posted about an online a few years ago and was told by some spiritualists that most likely I experienced the evil presence because it wasn't god in the room that was there to take a soul but something darker.  Anyway just thought I would share that with you.  I pray I never ever experience something like that again.

Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on June 12, 2016 at 9:09pm

I sure don't think you are crazy or anything. I had thought to inquire more on your literal haunting for 2 years but I didn't know where to start with your prior post. It's still unreal to me how much you have gone through. And with your fiancee and feeling literally haunted for 2 years, my goodness, as if your fiancee dying wasn't enough. I'm so sorry. I have no idea the explanation for what/who that was. My first thought was it was your fiancee - but not in any way evil - just maybe disoriented and confused? I don't know. You said this went on for 2 years, was it having the same feeling as you would enter the bedroom? How did it stop? Just one day it wasn't there? If you'd like to elaborate more, I'd be here to listen. 

Permalink Reply by Janet Shores Hoogendyk on June 14, 2016 at 2:07am

There are still times that I have moments that im scared, but not as completely terrified as I was for those 2 years. It was so bad. I literally felt like he was haunting me. Its a long story to go into but even since I moved out of the house he died in weird things happen in the bedrooms of every house ive lived in since. I don't know, like he still tries to linger in every bedroom I live in. After he died I moved in to my ex husbands house for a while and sometimes his dog would stand outside my bedroom door and growl and whine and then back up as if there was something in my bedroom that he could see that we couldn't. whatever he was seeing in there seemed to terrify him. Then I rented a little 2 bedroom house and let  a girlfriend move in and split the rent. Her dog began doing the same thing at my bedroom door that my husbands dog did. we would stand at the end of the hallway and watch him and im telling you that dog was scared to death of whatever he was seeing. And one day i was home alone and putting on my makeup in front of my vanity in my bedroom and I caught a glimpse of movement in my peripherial vision and I turned to look it hit me in the side of my face right at the corner of my eye. It was an ink pen I kept on my nightstand to write in my journal before going to sleep. NOBODY else was in the house so there is no explanation for how that pen managed to fly across the room and hit me in the face. I got so scared that I ran out of the house and layed in the hammock in the front yard til me roommate came home. I was too scared to go go back in there by myself.Now im living in a 5th wheel trailer on my girlfriends property. Its nice and fairly new with slide outs. In the bedroom it has 2 round 8 inch speakers (like care speakers) that are mounted into the ceiling. I kept telling my friend john that I was hearing a muffled voice come from the speakers sometimes. He told me theres no way I was hearing anything because the speakers are not hooked up to anything. But it kept happening and I kept complaining to him about it but he didn't believe me. Then one night he came over and I was sitting on my bed folding laundry. And It happened!! The voice came through the speakers. He actually heard it. He does not believe in ghosts or spirits of afterlife so he has no explanation for what happened but he refuses to talk about it with me. He says that maybe we were both just hearing things. I called the lady I bought the trailer from and asked her for sure if those speakers are hooked up to anything. She said no. And now, just in the last couple months my sons dog (who I babysit often and she sometimes spends the night) has suddenly began staring into my bedroom growling and backing up from my bedroom door and barking and whining. My son said "Mom look its like she sees something that we cant see." I told him "shut up cj. ignore it and hope it goes away" It is REALLY creeping me out!!! 3 different dogs have acted strange when looking at my bedroom in 3 different houses. I don't know..i think maybe the reason im not as terrified as much as I used to be is maybe because ive goten more used to it. Aside from being hit with the ink pen, whatever it is has never really hurt me. I honestly for 2 years was afraid of taking a bath if I was home alone because I thought that his spirit would drown me in the tub or something and afraid of driving alone at night cuz I thought his spirit would grab the steering wheel or something and crash my car. its stupid I know but once in a while I still have moments ill get really scared but I talk myself through it .

Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on June 25, 2016 at 5:37pm

I can definitely understand why you would be scared just overall. To have an inanimate object fly at you on it's own and then the different dogs in the different houses all growling and uneasy about something they are obviously seeing. To me, the animals reaction is definitely authentic because they don't have the rationale we do. And with your friend to just dismiss the speakers is easier than acknowledging what you guys heard. But I wonder if you had a bit of satisfaction someone else heard it and to know it wasn't just in your mind imaging something? All you've said regarding the death aftermath, it seems you know what you are feeling and experiencing.

You mentioning all of this having to do with just one of the deaths you've had to experience ... I wish I could tell you why and what exactly the entity is, fiancee or what. It definitely has my curiosity. And I don't mean that at all to say I'm glad of your story - quite the contrary. I feel for you and no one should have to live in that kind of fear. It could be true you've gotten more used to it. 

Permalink Reply by Jesse's Mom on June 25, 2016 at 8:27pm

Dear Janet, I have not come to this site as often but noticed your post in the sidebar. I am sorry your multiple losses. Our family too had multiple losses in one year. I was thinking perhaps that the NDERF site by Dr. Jeffrey Long might help you in processing the end of life events that can occur. Here is a link:

http://www.nderf.org

Also, author Dr. Elisabeth Kubler - Ross, who pioneered the modern hospice movement in the USA may be  helpful to read. She had a great understanding of the transition process, and noted many occurrences as someone moved from this plane of life to the next. Here is link to her book page..

http://www.ekrfoundation.org/store/

She along with Dr. Raymond Moody were one of the biggest early researchers in the Near Death experiences and thanatology.

Hope this is helpful, also you may want to look at Dr. Pim Von Lommel. All of these people are professionals with credentials.

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