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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 1, 2015 at 3:32pm

usd 2 luv xmas 

but nw id rathr drink my slf silly 2 blok it

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 2, 2015 at 9:53am

AMEN!!!!!!

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Permalink Reply by bluebird on December 2, 2015 at 10:46pm

Same here, Linda -- even to this being my 3rd Christmas since my husband died.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 3, 2015 at 7:02am

Hi Bluebird, I tried to put up Christmas decorations and then I begin thinking no one will see them anyway. My family lives in Michigan and never come to visit me around the holidays, I live in Florida. Tonight the Hospice that we used for my Husband is having a Tree of Life ceremony. It is beautiful, In honor of all lost ones to that hateful disease cancer. It is the only thing I look forward to each Christmas.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on December 3, 2015 at 10:54am

My mom wanted me to put up a tree, but she realized I wasn't in the mood so she put some of her own decorations. I am so with you on Christmas. I used to love Christmas and even when my sister was alive, I had friends who didn't get why I cared about Christmas as an adult. Well, I did, I loved buying presents for my immediate family (which included my sister, mom and aunt) so since it wasn't a lot people I shopped for it feels even worse that one is gone now. Not to mention she was the only one who really got me and would buy me the best gifts.

But it wasn't just about the gifts, it was about having purpose during the holidays, a reason to be happy, to WANT to decorate and blast Christmas music and watch cheesy happy Hallmark holiday movies. It's about being with people you care about and want to be with.  When your soul is destroyed there is nothing in this world that can put it back together.

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Permalink Reply by Mary Smith on December 6, 2015 at 7:15pm

I took comfort in knowing that I'm not alone in my thoughts - your words mirrored my heart. I'm still numb after losing my sister and I have no desire to decorate - it brings me no joy.  You got me with the cheesy Hallmark movies - I'm hoping one day, I'll feel the Christmas joy - but not this year.  I want to go to sleep and wake up on January 5th and it is beyond me right now to think I will ever feel the same about the holiday.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on December 7, 2015 at 4:59pm

Mary, yes, I want to just skip over the holidays too. For me, the days off and the downtime will be unbearable because I have nothing to look forward too, no one to spend those days off with. I would probably already have some gifts wrapped and under our tree by now, but not this year. There is just zero joy for the holidays. It doesn't even feel like Christmas to me, because everything Christmas-y thing I see makes me sad I have no one to share it with.

I doubt I will ever have holiday joy again because so much of the holidays were wrapped around shopping together and finding the perfect gift for my sister and just enjoying time off together. We'd look forward to time off to catch up on TV shows and movies together. Watching movies now feels so empty, no one to whoop and laugh with over parts in the movie, or scream with if its a horror movie.  Ugh. I just feel like my life has no meaning anymore.

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Permalink Reply by Mary Smith on December 8, 2015 at 9:33pm

I can't say I know how you feel - but I can say I understand how you feel.  For myself, I just can't seem to move forward, I miss her so much.  Today I was thinking how lucky I was to have her in my life and how many people have never been blessed with a sister so they have no idea what it is like to have a best friend for your entire life, someone who truly knows you present and past.  I keep telling myself that everything in life is a balance and with enormous joy, must come equal pain.  I just never realized how intense the pain would be - I know I need to "snap out of it" but I can't.  The only think I look forward to is sleeping and that is with the help of sleeping pills.  I pray every day it will get better.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on December 9, 2015 at 9:58am

OMG, Mary, you said exactly how I feel. The only thing I look forward to is sleeping too. I also take sleeping pills and anti-depressants  and I think they take a while to wear off so I feel tired longer. I go right home and put on my pajamas and get in the bed. Even showering is an effort and I have never gone days without showering and now I do and it's like I don't even think about it, I'm just so busy trying to get in the bed and just stay there. It's like I have no life anymore.

I too was lucky to have her and just like you said, someone who knew my present and past and someone who I could tell anything too and also talk to about 'family' stuff that you can't with just anybody. She was my best friend, my protector, my shopping buddy, just my hang out buddy and partner in crime. I used to think all the time that that is all I needed was her, not a million friends. We'd go out and all I needed was one other person to see that movie with, or have lunch with or sit and talk with. Just one. I was happy with that, especially since we enjoyed hanging out and we loved the same things. I miss our movie weekends.

I can't just 'snap out of it' because she was such a part of my daily routine. I know you have to learn to live with things, like if you loose your legs you have to get used to life in a wheelchair. The mental and emotional pain is never ending. You can't just turn it off. I think most other situations you can decide to have a positive outlook and see the good, but you can't just decide to be positive after death of a loved one. I have a couple of friends telling me to pray. Ok, what will that do? No thanks.

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Permalink Reply by Mary Smith on December 9, 2015 at 5:55pm

Hollow Heart - First let me start with an apology - I didn't mean that you should or could "snap out of it" - it is what I tell myself, every day; but I can't.  I have never experienced a time in my life where I couldn't make myself get better until now. 

The loss of my parents was sad - but it didn't compare on any level to this.  You are so right when you said:  "the mental and emotional pain is never ending."  I go to work each day, which is a drive and I'm sobbing before I get there - I think of all that was, all the memories and the sharing - and yes, the family stuff I could only talk to with her - gone, I feel like a door has slammed shut and I'm alone in the dark.  Some days I think -- how am I going to get over this?  The grief is insurmountable.  Everyday I think tomorrow will be better - but it isn't. 

Friday I'm going to see a grief counselor - I'm hoping that will help - I don't know, I've never been to a counselor - I can't imagine what can be done.  I do know I'm in a fog a work - and that can't go on much longer - unfortunately I work in an environment where if they smell blood in the water they start biting, and I'm bleeding.

I do pray, I pray for my sister - that she is happy wherever one goes after death.  I pray that Mary will take pity on me and help me heal.  Does it help? I don't know - I'm doing everything I can think of to help myself move on.   I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my sister would not want me to suffer in pain this way.  She was extremely empathetic to those around her and would almost absorb other's pain.  She would try so hard to comfort and help others - she would want me to get on with my life - it is just so hard with her not in it.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on December 10, 2015 at 10:21am

Mary, I wanted to say that I didn't think you were telling me to 'snap out of it' I know that came across bad on screen, but I was just saying in general that I think people do expect us to snap out of it and move on but I can't do it. So no need to apologize, but I appreciate it.

I echo your thoughts exactly in not knowing how to go on without your sister. I feel the same. She was the main person I went to about any and everything. I saw her as my sister and my friend, she was someone always available to me to gripe to about stuff or just ask a question. And she knew me so I could ask a dumb question and not be embarrassed. I also miss the memories and sharing that only we had.

I guess I just thought about that just now. All the things that only we did that I have no one to share with. All our in jokes that mean nothing now. I don't think she would want me this sad or having suicidal thoughts like I have everyday. I know her or my Ma would want me to do that, but this is unbearable pain. I feel like I can't take it to much longer. I don't even want to live a long life feeling like this.

I'm just feeling angry all the time. Angry waking up into my daily misery and trying to fake it around people. I'm angry I'm alone now. I'm angry this had to happen to my sister. WHY?!?!? I'm angry that everyone around me gets to go on with their happy lives.

I've been seeing a therapist. I didn't know what I expected at first either. I went because I had no one to talk to. It's helping in that way, and we're slowly touching on other things in sessions. It might be a help to you. I think I get what you mean about work too. I hate my job and this is making things even worse, not to mention I was in the middle of trying to switch careers and do something similar to what my sis was doing when she passed. So now I feel like I'm lost now because she is not here to help me with this. We were both slowly moving on with our jobs and lives and this happens. It's just not fair.

Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on December 4, 2015 at 12:36pm

I wish I could turn back time! That's what I wish.

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