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Permalink Reply by Jan Duvenage on August 2, 2010 at 8:21am

The absolute worst one for me!

Phoned the credit bureau this morning to find out why i was being summonsed for a hospital bill when the estate is supposed to settle the accounts, was told because my name was put down as husband i am responsible. Told the lady but my wife is deceased and we were married out of community of property . " Oh then give me your wife's contact number so we can contact her" , My word how stupid and idiotic must one be not to understand the meaning of Deceased!

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on August 29, 2010 at 11:58am

Poem about suffering a loss

Unless you've lost a child.......then
Don't ask us if we are over it yet. We'll never be over it.
A part of us died with our child.
Don't tell us they are in a better place.
They are not here with us, where they belong.
Don't say at least they are not suffering.
We haven't come to terms with why they suffered at all.
Don't tell us at least we have other children.
Which of your children would you have sacrificed?
Don't ask us if we feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
Don't force your beliefs on us.
Not all of us have the same faith.
Don't tell us at least we had our child for so many years.
What year would you choose for your child to die?
Don't tell us God never gives us more than we can bear.
Right now we don't feel we can handle anything else.
Don't avoid us. We don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.
Don't tell us you know how we feel, unless you have lost a child.
No other loss can compare to losing a child. It's not the natural order of things.
Don't take our anger personally.
We don't know who we are angry at or why and lash out at those closest to us.
Don't whisper behind us when we enter a room.
We are in pain, but not deaf.
Don't stop calling us after the initial loss.
Our grief does not stop there and we need to know others are thinking of us.
Don't be offended when we don't return calls right away.
We take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.
Don't tell us to get on with our lives.
We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.
Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.
Do say you are sorry. We're sorry, too, and you saying
that you share our sorrow is far better than saying any of those
tired cliches you don't really mean anyway. Just say you're sorry.
Do put your arms around us and hold us.
We need your strength to get us through each day.
Do say you remember our child, if you do.
Memories are all we have left and we cherish them.
Do let us talk about our child.
Our child lived and still lives on in our hearts, forever.
Do mention our child's name. It will not make us sad or hurt our feelings.
Do let us cry. Crying is an important part of the grief process.
Cry with us if you want to.
Do remember us on special dates.
Our child's birth date, death date and holidays are
a very lonely and difficult time for us without our child.
Do send us cards on those dates saying you remember our child.
We do.
Do show our family that you care.
Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.
Do be thankful for children.
Nothing hurts us worse than seeing other people in pain.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on November 3, 2010 at 2:34pm

Greetings Sheryl, When I first saw the poem that I posted, it felt like I wrote it. I could feel every word deep in my heart. Sorry that we all belong to this group. My pain has NOT eased one bit..... my son passed away 1 year ago and I still feel like it happened today. It's like the world stopped when my son left me and I am pissed that the world is going on without him! I still do not have any peace. I long for my son so much, sometimes I try to convince myself that this tragedy NEVER happened. I still call his cell phone almost everyday. He was only 21yrs old. Sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on November 4, 2010 at 2:41pm

I can relate to everything that you described. I look for my son everytime I am outside of the house. It's really bad. Sometimes I look for him to be in the backyard. Going to a place like the mall can be very overwhelming for me because I see so many young guys that remind me of my son. I just want my son back!! Everyday, I literally feel beat up. I am waiting for the day that that someone's comforting words will actually comfort me. I am waiting for the day that my pain will be less, like everyone is trying to convince me of. Waiting for peace, Karen R.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on September 1, 2010 at 6:21pm

Greetings Amanda. Some people just dont realize how insensitive there comments are. I dont think they delibrately want to hurt us, they dont think before they speak. He who feels it, knows it. I had a parent from one of my children's class ask me if I was still "upset"! over losing my son. I had to take a deep breath, and then I asked her did she love her 5yr old son and then I told her to close her eyes and imagine that she will NEVER see him again, or hear his voice and not being able to hold him. I said now open your eyes, she said that she cant even imagine, I told her "exactly you can't!" My first thought was to choke the crap out of her when she first asked me that. The next day I gave her a copy of the poem I posted.

Permalink Reply by anne on September 28, 2010 at 4:35pm

I am new to this site but I would like to say thanks to all of you for sharing. I've been thinking that I was the only one who heard such terrible comments and advice. Everything I have read here I can relate to. When My first son was killed my father-in-law said that " if I was a better mother he would still be alive". THen when my second son was kille he said "thats what I get". A man who lost his grandaughter in a car accident said to me" all you think about is your burned up dead son, you dont know what your talking about". You see my youngest son was in a car accident and the car blew up burning 99% of his body. 3 years ago my oldest son was killed in a car accident and my daughter was crippled. I'm tired of these awful comments. I'm glad there is a place I can go to read and see that I am not alone.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on September 28, 2010 at 7:31pm

Greetings Anne, once again, so sorry for all of your pain! I can NOT imagine losing 2 children! When someone doesnt know what to say to us, it's better that they say nothing at all. You should copy the poem I posted and hand them out to family and friends. Take care.

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on October 2, 2010 at 5:47am

It was the frst anniversery September 25th.

My big sister, who has been amazing, said a few weeks ago that her kids are missing me and once I get to the one year mark, they expect me back on board.

Since then, I have been having panic attacks (the real ones) when I see my sister.

I love her so much. She cries for Dave as well, but they don't get it!

Spring has sprung in NZ, and I have been cleaning, scrubbing, washing...better than not wanting to wake up. Picked some flowers and put them in vase, jonquils. They smell divine.

I have moments of peace and then other moments where it feels like I have no idea how a human heart can withstand what we have been through.

If it ok with you all....can I start a music thread?

Permalink Reply by Kelly on December 10, 2010 at 11:50pm

Thank you for this post...I am so glad to know that I am not the only one that is experiencing these insensitive things. The standard is

"let me know if there is anything I can do" ummmm yes...can you bring my daughter back? no then there is "NOTHING" YOU CAN DO...

Or "BE STRONG" ummmm I don't want to be strong...I am barely keeping it together...

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on December 11, 2010 at 10:43am

Hey Kelly and all memebers. There are many of us, who are experiencing these insensitive comments. I say it all the time...."can you give me son back?!" Can you turn back the time and make it so that none of this ever happened? Can you wake me up out of this nightmare? It's a good thing that I have never used drugs or alcohol because I would stay continuously drunk!

Permalink Reply by cassie on March 4, 2011 at 12:44am

I've heard an amazing amount of stupid remarks.... it's so true that only those of us who experience losing a child will ever understand it.

 

I wanted to share something that my best friend said to me only a day or two after I lost my son that was actually the RIGHT thing to say.

 

I have 3 children. My oldest son is 10 now, the son I lost would be 8, and an 18 month daughter. 

After Jesse passed... in my haze of denial and pain and all the rest! I kept thinking in my mind.. "I only have one now".... I dont know why I was doing it, and I never said it aloud... but the thought would NOT stop.

My best friend... the very first words out of her mouth as she hugged me.... "you STILL have 2 sons"

How did she know? And it was exactly what I needed to hear.

 

It's been 7 years now... no one who has the nerve to ask me if I'm "over it", ever gets another chance to speak to me. I know who my friends are.

Permalink Reply by Karen R. on March 8, 2011 at 6:43pm

Greetings Cassie, once again I am sorry that you too have experienced such horrendous pain from such a lost. I too am suffering the loss of my 21yr old son, about 16 months ago. He turned 23 this past Feb 19th. The depth of my pain is still the same since that dreadful day when I was told that nothing else could be done for my son. I can not speak of my son in the past-tense, he is my son and will ALWAYS be my son. I don't know if you have seen any of my other postings/blogs but I posted a poem about suffering a loss of a child and I also wrote about how my son is so much more than a "memory"............he is my son, my baby. He could NEVER be a "memory" to me, my heart will forever be broken. People don 't understand that just because you have other children, does not comfort you when you lose one.  I have had 2 birthday celebrations for my son since he passed away.......a concept that i am still struggling with, I can not accept his absense, I will continue to do that until hopefully I am reunited with him. Trust me, I am still angry that the world is going on without my son. It always helps to have others that understand such pain, we can validate each others feelings. I have said, time and time again , that if you haven't lost a child, you could NEVER fully understand what this does to your life. Please look for the poem I posted and if you can not find it, I will gladly post it again. lets all keep reaching out to each other, love Karen R.

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