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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on July 8, 2015 at 3:31pm

so sorry 4 yore loss i dnt thng aney of us no hw 2 go on nw aftr loss we get we dont

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Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on July 8, 2015 at 6:59pm

Hi Nicole,

My story has similarities to yours. First, I am so sorry for losing your love. I lost my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years March 10th also to cardiac arrest/heart attack. Also sudden and unexpected. Collapsed and gone all in a single moment. I'm still working to believe it. We had bit of a rocky relationship but loved each other so much, didn't want to be with anyone else. End of December things had a new start and we had a breakthrough. The fruit that was coming from that was great. So it was like we were just getting started. He was 46; I'm 35. We talked all the time about our future, our plans. A situation of his was finally on it's way to the end (we found that out first of February), he was over the moon excited about it, and once that happened we were going to get our place together and start the rest of our lives. 

Don't listen to others who say you need to start moving on, he's in a better place, etc. People usually mean well but they have absolutely no understanding the hell this world of grief is. To be so beyond broken where the pieces of your heart no longer even exist to put back together, it is such a life altering and agonizing existence.

Hugs your way

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Permalink Reply by nicole irving on July 8, 2015 at 9:39pm

thankyou, it is nice to talk to people that do honestly understand, and i am sorry to hear of the passing of your boyfriend. people that havent experienced it dont know how lost and totally heart broken you become. and i also have alot of moments when i still cant believe it, it feels like a bad dream that you just want to wake up from. i would do anything just to be able to talk to him or walk up and give him a big hug. i have a son that turned 10 a couple of weeks ago and because i am finding it so hard to deal with my own emotions and head, i feel as thou i am being a terrible mum for not being able to troop through and keep everything going as normally as possible. he had a spit at me the other day because i have changed and i know i have but i cant help that. he is just sad also he misses mike terribly they were best buds, and i feel guilty about little 'normal' grumpy moments i had... just the hours he worked etc. i know he was just trying to do the best he could to look after us, and whether he truely knew i loved him, which deep down i know he did but it just plays on my mind, and would things have been different if he had gone to the doc for a check up. he said sunday night that he was going to have a check up because hes about that age... he died 12hrs later... there are so many things i wish that we had put aside time to do. but i do know he loved me with all his heart and that he would never have wanted to leave me

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Permalink Reply by Erin on July 9, 2015 at 4:35am

I also lost my boyfriend of 9 years 7weeks ago from a heart attack. I am still in tears and I don't see it getting any better any time soon. So we all here suffering the same torment wishing it would end soon or that life would end for us soon. We will at some point have to pick up the pieces and go on existing. What we make of the rest of our life is up to us. It sounds easier to just let go and hopefully join again with our loved ones but that may not happen as soon as we would like. Sometimes I think that we want so badly to believe that there is something after we die because it helps to ease our pain a little with the comfort of knowing that we will be together again. I too want that if I can't have him back now, if I can't have my life back. This sadness is to overwhelming for anyone to endure yet the days go by and we are relunctaintly? still here.

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Permalink Reply by nicole irving on July 9, 2015 at 7:44am

yeah thats true and i am sure each and everyone of us will get through this, and yes we are all hurting, i am so sorry to hear about your boyfriend. i am feeling a little more open minded this evening and from how i can see it at this moment is that i dont think the hurting will ease, but i think we will learn to be able to live with it while going about our daily routine. i am like you, still cry everyday, some days worse than others. thankyou for your reply and along with these other lovely people making me realise i am not alone, take care.

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Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on July 10, 2015 at 2:22pm

Hey Nicole,

You mentioned your fiancee is sending you signs he is still around. I feel I've had some experiences too so just curious what they have been for you, if you don't mind sharing?

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Permalink Reply by nicole irving on July 10, 2015 at 7:10pm

no i dont mind, he would be happy that there is proof that spirits exist. when my bro was organising a funeral song, mexican girl by smokie he youtubed it left the page and it continued to play, my bro is a major skeptic and couldnt work out what was going on. my alarm went off without being set, when i was listening to 'our song' cigarette smoke passed by me twice, he opens doors reguarly here and my mums when we are there, my daughter was a bit put out she didnt think mike had ' been to visit her' i was talking to her on the phone and she said mum this bloody front door keeps opening and last night my bedroom door kept opening to the point i had to lock it, i smiled and asked how long it had been going on, she said about a month, i said its mike letting you know he is around, she called out ' mike will you please stop opening my doors' they havent opened since. i have had a moment of an absolute calm, which i have never felt before. i was making coffee cos i couldnt sleep one morning and heard a male voice come from the kitchen table, i feel his arms wrap around me, my son was watching simpsons, the tv changed to the wrestling (mike loved the wrestling), he swapped my channel on the tv on evening it played the lyrics " i am still in love with you" by dragon a kiwi/ aussie band, mike was kiwi i am aussie, i couldnt work out how the tv did it. i got lost asked for his help, 2 mins later new where i was, lost my engagement ring, asked him to help me find it, went straight to it and it was in a weird spot, tile offcuts were scraping together the other night, i have just tiled the kitchen floor, i said do you like the tiles the scraping stopped, my son came in from lunch at school the other day and was very excited because his reader was the only one on his desk opened to the page he was up to, he told me mike went to school with him, and just the other evening i was lying in bed and my lips and hand started to tingle, we used to hold hands as we fell asleep, it was the most amazing feeling, lasted for ages. and i have a pic of him beside my bed that glows in the dark. what experiences have you had rachel?

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Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on July 11, 2015 at 12:17pm

That is a lot of happenings, very cool and interesting! I read somewhere that couple big keys to healing is surrounding yourself with others going through it and hearing from your loved one. I think, for me, to feel Gary still with me is the only way I could even begin to accept this cold reality. 

As for my experiences it's been 2 dreams and the rest are feeling his spirit presence. It's taken me some time to mentally process the presence just cause I can watch something on tv, a movie, and wig myself out. Quick example: Hollow Man is a movie about scientists who make people invisible. One of them becomes invisible, can't come back, and goes insane. There's a scene where the invisible one gets into a girls apartment and messes with her. That's where I had to shut the movie off as it was getting in my head. I had my own apartment and was paranoid for 2 days after just cause that stupid movie. So, I've had to process what I feel when it seems Gary to sort out the differences from that kind of experience of something just in my head.

I wrote about them in a previous blog, "When will this make sense" so be easier to link you to it. http://www.onlinegriefsupport.com/profiles/blogs/when-will-this-mak.... I did have an additional experience this past Sunday night. In bed thinking about all the pictures he took of himself and the good things that happened/were said, more so in the last 4 months before he passed, and not knowing at the time how much they would mean to me now ... started crying. Said outloud to him, I hope you're always with me. I want you to always be with me. Not long at all, I felt if I were to look over in the bed I would see him lying there with me. I've had few presences where I just felt him in general but the main, intense ones it's always been a specific spot in the room I feel if I look he'll be there. I'd really like to see him as an apparition where he talks to me. A friend of mine had that happen with his wife. But I'd have to get more comfortable with just his presence first and been working towards that. After Sunday night I'm finally starting to feel that coming.    

I've thought about asking for his help if I need it, like you asking for Mike's help when you were lost or lost your engagement ring so maybe that will be something in the future.  

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Permalink Reply by nicole irving on July 11, 2015 at 10:55pm

i too have wanted to be able to see his full presence and have a chat to him, i have asked him to bless me with this at some point. mike and i were very spiritual, more so than religious, and i think having this common interest has helped, he knows i am a true believer. i chat to him all the time ( if anyone could here me they would put me in a straight jacket!) and i have asked him to keep practising talking to me as he had early that morning so i can learn to understand what was said. i have researched this whole thing a bit and the spirits find it easier to contact you if you are calm, which alot of us on this site would find that difficult at the moment. the most common signs that they are around are dreams, sensing their presence, feeling their touch, smelling their fragrance, hearing their voice, electrical appliances turning on for no reason, a phone call, recieving a symbolic message, moving things, seeing their apparition, and feeling an absolute calm ( that is a really bizarre feeling, i am a naturally uptight person and it was wonderful). i forgot to mention yesterday that on my sons birthday we, ( my mum, sister and i) walked past my kitchen window and could see his silouette, mike had a dropped shoulder from a motorbike accident he had, so there was no mistaking what it was, i was standing there looking at it, mum came to have a look without me saying anything to her, she said, omg its mike!. mike has covered 9 of these 11 signs, i have asked him to stay with me forever, it helps me to get through the day when he shows he is around. i have told him that i am going to be true to him forever, even thou we were not legally married, were as good as, marriage is for life and i cant wait to join him again at some stage. i miss him 24/7 . keep an open mind with it all and you may be amazed at what is going on . cheers nicole

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Permalink Reply by nicole irving on July 11, 2015 at 11:48pm

i wish i could see him lying in bed with me :(

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Permalink Reply by rachel_micele on July 12, 2015 at 12:31am

I sure appreciate your information with things of spirit. I'm hoping for more experiences as I get more open and confident with it. I really do want everything Gary can connect/communicate to me. That's awesome you saw Mike's silouette, definitely a positive step towards a full presence and chat. If/when that happens please do tell me about it as I would love to hear! Hearing other people's experiences and stories really helps me.

Which I hadn't thought to ask before but when you heard the male voice that morning, you said here "so you can learn to understand what was said". So it wasn't any words?

I miss Gary 24/7 too. This is all so hard ... 

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Permalink Reply by nicole irving on July 12, 2015 at 2:20am

i couldnt understand what the voice said, it was quick and unexpected.a voice more than words, i wish i knew what he said...... im sure you will have plenty more experiences, it seems as thou gary is staying by your side. my sister had a different experience she said she grabbed a random book from her book shelf that she hadnt read. it was about a maddy williams that died and talked of "the dash", mike was michael williams and the dash poem was read at his funeral. the reverend that ran mikes funeral, talked to me about these happenings, he said that it was the meaning of soulmates, once you die your soul is still hanging around the other, waiting to meet again i guess. the reverend said he was very spiritual also and he heard alot of things like this happening. i hope i get the full presence, i think i ask him everyday! i would do anything for a chat, or chat and hug would be even better.

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